Movin' Day....

THE BDNBLOG HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED...OUR NEW SITE IS BELOW.

http://blog.ticketsofamerica.com

It's been fun. Go fuck yourselves...

Locks

Hit the bar at 9:45. Man Day is officially on... Here are the locks for the day, and if these hit, drinks are on me....

ECU -5 vs. UNC NC, not good, ECU, scared the shit out of me at Lane Stadium last weekend. I'm pretty sure that the only reason VT scored a touchdown was the fact that I took off my pants the play before in the stadium. I'm also pretty sure I also hope my parents never read this blog.

Penn State -17 1/2 vs Notre Dame There is one more week that the spread will be off with Notre Dame. Take advantage of it, THEY SUCK. Penn St still feels like they have a lot to prove, so does ND. ND will make mistakes. Penn St will capitalize. GFY rudy.

Michigan -7 1/2 vs Oregon Sorry Ducks, they are going to make a statement today. Thank App St. Plus the girl that lives here has great legs, and she went to Michigan. I also heard three girl threesomes are cool?

Cal -14 vs. Colorado St. Did u watch Cal last week? Ive been to Colorado, I did not get laid. Therefore they get No Love.

UGA -3 1/2 vs South Carolina. I spent the entire day at UGA with my pants off playing beer pong last year. That has to count for 4 pts. don't fuck me dogs.

Attention Span is Spent. Hope teams cover like they did last week. 8:30 hours till Bray walks in to me pissing on his bed.

Its gonna be a Maaaaaaaaaaaaaanly Day Think Bill Withers

Fuck. its 8 am and I'm already awake. Normally not a problem, I actually woke up and thought I was late for work today, normal feeling for an alchy. But the issue is that today is ManDay, so I had to walk upstairs and have a drink, Bud Light of course. because this is the day to end all days, I mean Scummy is flying back from China just this day for Christ's Sake, I hear he and Kate dont fight there, since neither speak chinaman language, so they moved. Anyways, Ron and I are live-blogging all day, and since I'm up, I can either start now, or beat off and go to sleep.

Night fellas.

BTW Flying in from china at 9pm, when I start at 8am, and probably coming with your gf, does not make u a MANDAtorY participant. Not Hate Charles, Just Love. That AcROnym is NHCJL. I dont have a reason that I just typed that.

Rumor of the Week

A little late night addition to BDNB because tomorrow I am meeting the president of the company, and probably dont want to explain that I need to take a 30 minute break to blog. Him being a god fearing Mormon, and me being a last call fearing alcoholic, I'm sure we are bound to hit it off well, and I need to devote as much time as possible to the fantastic conversations we are going to have.

"So what brought you to our company?"

"You said you'd give me a company car"

"The one you just got a speeding ticket in while hungover this weekend?"

"Fuck You"

"I like you son, lets go get drunk"

"Aren't you a mormon"

"Yes"

"Fuck You"

Its gonna go great.

So anyways, I feel it is time to start a new weekly session on the ol blog, since nothing seems to be getting written at all, there is plenty of room. I figure since this is the group that has started such great (and entirely factual rumors) as Kurt Hein crying everytime he cums (be it masturbating with his forearm or while making love to Maureen or Kyle) Patterson shitting himself at TOTS, and many others, we need a weekly rumor. Here we go:

Bonnie Blowstein is pregnant. This has been figured out by my keen, hungover, attention to detail, and also confirmed by many a source. I think it is fair to say that Bonnie was not brought on to ESPN for her journalistic abilities, instead she got there by the only reason we men let women on tv. Either we really want to fantasize about fucking them in every position, i.e attractiveness, or they have allowed various men, and possibly women, in higher positions, degrade them in multiple ways on call, i.e. whores. The ones that truly make it, see sideline reporters, possess both characteristics. (I don't know how Suzy Kolber or Andrea Kramer got here, they are anomalies) We don't want ugly fat bitches on tv, thats why the fatties are on the daytime tv when we're out hunting and gathering as you whores bang the milkman.

So we know what talents got Bonnie here, but suddenly ESPN will not show her up close. All her tv time has been from far away camera angles introducing spots that she narrates but no close ups on her face/body. Therefore she must have gotten hideously fat. I have been told that the reason for this is that she was knocked up in a threesome by Eric Mangenious, and Bill the Faithful Bellichek. If you don't believe me, then please note the cold handshake first seen between the two men, followed by the awkward man hug the following meeting. Now Bellichek is coming out and publicly complimenting Mangenius. This is obviously the end result of them coming to grips with the fact that their homesexual love triangle has produced life. I would expect in the next few weeks we should hear an announcement on who the father is, but remember where you heard it first, and probably last.

Top 5 Thursday: Best Wars

I'd like to begin this blog by thanking Scummy for allowing me to guest star on Top 5. This is the bread and butter of BDNB, and well, I'm the apricot marmalade. And there are a whole lot of ladies out there spreading me around. But I digress......

Now I'm a peaceful man. I got in a fight once during my high school days and I felt so bad afterwards that I wrote her a poem apologizing for the crushing blows I laid upon her head time after time. But these are confusing times we live in, and there is a war going on that will certainly go down as the dumbest thing this dumb country ever did. But not all wars are like that, and so, it is with great pleasure that I give you the Top 5 Wars of All Time!!! (Sidenote: There are no rules for this top 5 because, in fact, all is fair in love and war.)

5. The French - Indian war - This war is sooooo underrated. For those of you who don't know your history (or how to use wikipedia), allow me to explain why this war kicks ass. The war basically consisted of the British and the French fighting over the American colonies, and the French lost. So this war is the reason we aren't a french country. I mean, can you picture everyone in New York walking around with a beret and perv mustaches? And how much less hot would the chicks in this country be with hairy pits? On a sidenote, the Indians played both sides of this war and punked the French pretty bad. Much props. Also, Last of the Mohicans, one of the greatest movies of all time, is based on a battle in this war.

4. Vietnam War - Now lets put aside the fact that this was a total disaster from the getgo. Think about a few things: 1. Rock 'n Roll really peaked as a rebellious form against Vietnam. 2. The most amazing war movies ever are about Vietnam (Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, just to name a few). I mean, did you ever notice how much cooler people from the 60's are than us? Either they fought in 'Nam, which makes them badass or they protested 'Nam by taking 6 tabs of acid and not cutting their hair. God I wish I was alive back then.

3. Persian Wars (specifically the Battle of Thermopylae) - Now I know nothing about Greek history and I tried to find Persia on a map, but I swear it's not there. However, let me say this - the movie 300 was the most overwhelming display of badassness that I have ever seen. And it is in fact based on a true story of the Spartan Army. God I wish I went to Michigan State.

2. Ace v. Ace - That's right, the card game War. Anytime your opponent and you both lay down aces, you know it's on. I know I'm thinkin' crazy right now, but how nuts would it be if you won the war by throwing down another Ace and your opponent throws down a King?!?!? That shit is fucking nuts!!!!

1. Battle of Beth Zur - This is the story of the legend Judah Maccabeus. He is the man who recaptured Jerusalem for the Jews by defeating the Greeks on December 14, 164 BCE. He then purified the Temple of Jerusalem and led a small but strong army known as the Maccabees who brought peace in the land of Israel for a time. Basically, this battle is why I get 8 presents in 8 nights while all you gentile bitches only get 1 night of presents. Hannukah fucking rocks!!!!

What's in a Name....

Recently I've come to the conclusion that all women have been acting whorish throughout the history of the world. I know that's a broad statement, so I narrowed it down a bit. Chicks with the same initial of their first name as their last name are giant bitches/whores/trannies and need to be stopped. Here's a brief alphabetical list of said women...


Barbara Bush - I heard she once took roofies on purpose and then called Gorbachev a pussy. True story...

Connie Chung - Grew up in MD which immediately makes her a bit more whorrish. She also gives Dan Rather handjobs under the news desk. Seriously, someone actually told me that, and they were a half-decent source...

Dumpy D - Local celebrity. I could go on here, but it isn't worth it...

Eliza Easy - My favorite stripper at the Night Hawk in Baltimore, she told me she loves me but I'm pretty sure she's told that to a few other guys as well. Bitch...

Farrah Fawcett - Town whore of the 60's and 70's. Still probably gets around. Also her last name sounds like a home appliance that spits out fluids when you turn it on...Think about it...

Gina Gershon - If you've seen the movie Bound you know where I'm goin here. If you haven't, netflix the hell out of it since there are a few silly lesbo scenes featuring the G-Whore, as I call her...

Helen Hunt - She may seem innocent but she banged the entire cast and crew of Mad About You according to my buddy Gene who was an assistant producer of the show. I've also heard she's Mad About Poo, if you know what I mean...

Jenna Jameson - Gotta respect her for everything she's done for all of us, but I'm sorry, she's a big who-aaaaa....

Kelly Kapowski - Started her vicious ways in middle school and eventually left Zack Morris a stump of the man he once was. If I were a student at Bayside I woulda banged Lisa Turtle, at least you knew you weren't getting the Clap w/ her...

Lisa Loeb - "I'm cold and I am chained, lying naked on the floor." That's a lyric from her hit song 'Torn'. Read it again and tell me she's not a dominatrix hooker.

Marilyn Monroe - Drug problem, married a few times, banged two Presidential-type brothers, and posed naked. I would say she wrote the formula on 'whoring'.

Natasha Nockers - Another stripper I fell in love with. I have a problem.

Olive Oil - Was bangin Popeye and Brutus at the same time and she wasn't even hot. These two guys just went for her cause they knew she was a sure thing. Also, she's named after something I would dip my 'bread' in if you know what I mean. I sure don't...

Parker Posey - Limited P's people. But she was Grade-A whorish in Dazed and Confused even though she never actually hooked up. I was afraid of women for 10 years because of her character. Unfortunately I saw the movie ten years ago so I don't think it's stopped yet...

Rachel Ray - Divorced her husband once she got famous. Any chick who pulls this move is a slut-devil. She deserves to be cooked in an oven with her chocolate trouffles...

Susan Sarandon - Bull Durham she accosts Crash and LaLoosh and says she bangs one player a year and then preceeds to do both of em. Classic whore syndrome. She also dated Sean Penn when he was 18 and she was 32. Dammmmmnnnn....

Tina Turner - Any woman who forces her husband to beat her is obviously a slut. Who knows what she did to drive Ike to those terrible measures. Whoring should be as much a federal offense as wife-slappin...

Veronica Vaughn - Apparently Chris Farley knows from experience. And a friend of his "got it on" with her. Also, she married Pete Sampras who's obviously a douche w/ money. Damn you vile woman...

Please add more...

From the BDNB marketing department

We here at BDNB are all about second chances. There have been many athletes over the last few months or so that have tarnished their good name, and rather then piling on them, we are partnering with the to put out some new products that will help bring their name out into a shining new light. Here are a few tasty snacks we are helping them produce:

We start out with a delicate treat brought to us by none other the Gary Sheffield. Gary wanted to make a double fudge cookie, with a chocolate cream in the center. This sounds normal enough, however Sheff didnt think an all brown cookie would market well. So to make it more marketable to "whitey" as he put it, the chocolate cream center is colored white so that it "aint all the way black," thus making it desirable by Joe Torre and all other racist, slave owning whities everywhere. We're with ya Sheff!

Next, we were surprisingly approached by Pittsburgh running back Najeh Davenport. Najeh wanted to use this platform to announce his launching of a string of ice cream stands in the Miami area. He says his gimic is that the only ice creams served will be chocolate, and chocolate with peanuts or corn. All soft serve, and all of the bowls and cones are in the shape of women's laundry baskets. We're not too sure about this Najeh, but it is Miami, and those fags will try anything, Good luck.

The third contraversial figure we wanted to bring to life was none other then Ol Ookie Blaylock, Michael Vick. Few people are trying to replace as much lost income as Ol MV#7 so we were glad to help with Ookie Dogs. These Hot DOGS all come in the same flavor, with a mystery meat he won't reveal to is, but the gig is they are all prepared a different way. Electric # 7 dogs are to be prepared by electrocution, Underwater Ookies are recomended to be submerged into boiling water until finished, and Slam Bam Ookies are equipped with a mechanism that is activated to cook when repeatedly slammed into the ground. We hear it is entertaining to start them all at the same time and bet on which one finishes first. Spicy Mexico Ookies are due out next Fall.

Finally our captain of the morality team Barry Bond has our most exciting new flavor coming out. The Barry Blow Pop is a look a like of our Home Run King* and comes in many flavors complete with his oversized head. The kicker here is as yo suck ol Barry off, his head shrinks back to normal size, and at the same time, the jersey goes from San Francisco back to the Pittburg Jersey of old! We're not sure what that represents, but people that have chewed the gum have reported an increase of the intensity of their workouts, and quicker recovery time.

Thats all we have from the labs right now folks, but any other marketing suggestions are more then welcome. Go Fuck Yourself.

This Guy Makes Vick Look Like a Pussy

So this guy in South Africa had his house raided by authorities who got a tip (probably from Dave Matthews) that he owned a live crocodile. When the police showed up they found six hidden swimming pools filled with 98 motherfuckin croc's. This guy either has a fetish or he loves to watch giant lizards kill each other. Although I wonder if he tries to drown them when they perform poorly, cause that could backfire severly.

Apparently though, the guy said he was training them to be an army of croc's that he would be in charge of. Not sure what the army would fight exactly, Apartheid I assume. Whoops, wait a sec, just found out that Apartheid is not a person. Always thought he was some freakshow bad guy that Nelson Mandela hated. I have alot to learn.

**Apparently the guys house was in Mexico, so I guess the croc's were going to be used as drug mule's, not Apartheid killers...

Interviews With Baseball's True Heroes....

In a recent candid interview for a new Ken Burns documentary, famed journalist Mr. Edward McNight interviewed various Major League Baseball players around the league to get their views on different topics prevelant in today's society. Luckily we managed to get our hands on these tapes, and even though we will probably get sued for millions, we've posted the scripts below. Enjoy.



Edward McNight: Welcome viewers, tonight we bring you an interesting look at the heart of the MLB and do so by talking with some of the games most influential people. Here with us, Gary Sheffield from the Tigers and Jim Thome from the White Sox. How are you guys?

Gary Sheffield: Awww shit man, whats happenin'?

Jim Thome: Afternoon Ed.

Gary: Ed, did you play left field for the Dodgers in '68, my rookie year? Damn you look familiar bitch.

Ed: Actually I'm a journalist Gary, I don't play sports.

Gary: Well fuckin' Erin Andrews is a journey-list and she played sports. Shit man, anybody can do what you do.


Jim: What sport did Erin Andrews play? I think you mean she was a cheerleader.


Gary: Nah man, she played Suck Gary's Balls. Fastest growin sport in the country mothafucka's!


Ed: So Jim, how has transition been lately going from a star athlete to a more refined role of a clubhouse leader?


Jim: It's been just great Ed, I feel like-


Gary: Fuck you Thome you French fuck. Yo, but seriously, are you related to dat My Cousin Vinny bitch. I heard she fucks like a rabbit G, I love dat bitch. Can you hooks it?


Jim: That's Marisa Tomei, no relation.


Gary: Shit, I know you be lyin. You just don't want Gary all up in yo family. Shit, I hook up da whole family on Chris-mass. You don't even know. I buy mothafuckin rides for all my peeps. You probably all up on dos' gay ass European rides though, you and your Swiss candy ass. You and Jeter should start up a hotel called da Jeter and Thome Gay European Love Shack. You bitches could make a killing from A-Rod and Damon alone, shit. A-Rod, dat shit is funny get it. Ass-rod. HA, bitch's name is Ass Rod.

Jim: Frankly Gary, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop bashing my family name. I take a lot of pride in where I come from, and besides I'm American, not European. You're way to quick to judge other-

Gary: Jim, shut da fuck up for a sec, Gary just got some mo' brain ideas. Don't chu hate how in line at da grocery store der's only chick magazines on the racks. US Weekly and People and dat kinda bullshit. Gary ain't in dos' mag's. Hook some GQ up in dat rack. Dat's Gary's hookness. And dey think only bitches buying groceries? I don't trust no bitch to pick out my veggies. I ask for radishes bitch comes back with cauliflower. What da fuck am I gonna do wit some cauliflower, its just some white racist broccoli. What's next, white oranges, dat shit dont make sense. Where da black broccoli at?

Jim: Ed, can I leave now?

Ed: Jim, sit your ass down. Gary, what do you think of the Michael Vick situation and how his cohorts sold him out to have a lesser charge?

Gary: Eddie, I don't know what the fuck a cohort is.

Ed: Friends, entourage, gang, group...

Gary: Ah, my peeps. Yea, my peeps is fuckin nuts these days. Why is it when my peeps buyin drugs and shit ova da phone dey need to use all these code words. "Yo, Sheff, I just bought some 'grassy knoll' if you know what i mean. Come over and lets 'get baked'." I don't know what da fuck he's sayin. Does dis bitch really think the FBI is tappin his phone and shit. Mothafucka dont even own a ride, he aint no gangsta. Shit, you be betta off in jail wit dos' free meals you dumb bitch, just say WEED mothafucka!

Jim: I'm actually gonna have to agree with Gary on this one. There's no way the fed's are tapping everyones phone and the minute you say drugs or smack or eight ball they're gonna break your door down and start clubbing you to death. People aren't very smart, especially drug users.

Gary: What da fuck you say bitch? I'm bout to light up some white widow and then stomp yo gay Italian ass...

The Washington Seadogs

So Ron and I were just discussing about how when the Bullets changed their name to the Wizards, the runner-up choice was the Seadogs. These are two flat out terrible names. Now, since all the recent bad press about wizards have come out (see: Harry Potter naked in a play in London or Peter Jackson in that weird spandex outfit in "Entourage"), we figure the Wiz might be changing their name again. Here are some other terrible suggestions:

The Washington Monuments (sounds good, but think of a building as your mascot...awkward)

The Washington Douchebags (very prevalent in that area)

The Washington Ugly Chicks (again, extremely prevalent)

The Washington Everyone Here is from Jersey Somehows

The Washington We're Here to Watch the Other Team Plays

The Washington Living in the Pasts

The Washington Redskins circa 1980's

The Washington Interns

The Washington Arlingtons (best part of DC)

The Washington Whitlows (nice ring to it...)

Whatever the choice of team name, I just think it's time to choose a better mascot. I mean, how the hell did we end up with a blue furry thing in a dunce cap named "G-wiz"??? As in g-wiz, another DC basketball player was involved in a shooting. It's like the phillie phanatic has been so successful in its hometown that we decided to give a furry muppet a shot as well. Imagine the board meeting about that one: Abe Pollin is waiting for a good idea for a mascot and Susan O'Malley says, "How about Phillie Phanatic......but blue!" and then this is followed by mumbles of approval from everyone on the board. Let's just make Marion Barry the mascot and get it over with. That's like saying "We are who we are, now deal with it." Then we could put Marion Barry in a race kinda like the Presidential race at the Nats games. However, we'd put him up against the bum who plays sax outside of the Verizon Center and at the end of the race the winner would get a pipe filled with crack.