BDNB

Movin' Day....

2007-10-09T10:06:00.000-04:00

THE BDNBLOG HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED...OUR NEW SITE IS BELOW.

http://blog.ticketsofamerica.com

It's been fun. Go fuck yourselves...

Locks

2007-09-08T11:58:00.000-04:00

Hit the bar at 9:45. Man Day is officially on... Here are the locks for the day, and if these hit, drinks are on me....

ECU -5 vs. UNC NC, not good, ECU, scared the shit out of me at Lane Stadium last weekend. I'm pretty sure that the only reason VT scored a touchdown was the fact that I took off my pants the play before in the stadium. I'm also pretty sure I also hope my parents never read this blog.

Penn State -17 1/2 vs Notre Dame There is one more week that the spread will be off with Notre Dame. Take advantage of it, THEY SUCK. Penn St still feels like they have a lot to prove, so does ND. ND will make mistakes. Penn St will capitalize. GFY rudy.

Michigan -7 1/2 vs Oregon Sorry Ducks, they are going to make a statement today. Thank App St. Plus the girl that lives here has great legs, and she went to Michigan. I also heard three girl threesomes are cool?

Cal -14 vs. Colorado St. Did u watch Cal last week? Ive been to Colorado, I did not get laid. Therefore they get No Love.

UGA -3 1/2 vs South Carolina. I spent the entire day at UGA with my pants off playing beer pong last year. That has to count for 4 pts. don't fuck me dogs.

Attention Span is Spent. Hope teams cover like they did last week. 8:30 hours till Bray walks in to me pissing on his bed.

Its gonna be a Maaaaaaaaaaaaaanly Day Think Bill Withers

2007-09-08T08:10:00.000-04:00

Fuck. its 8 am and I'm already awake. Normally not a problem, I actually woke up and thought I was late for work today, normal feeling for an alchy. But the issue is that today is ManDay, so I had to walk upstairs and have a drink, Bud Light of course. because this is the day to end all days, I mean Scummy is flying back from China just this day for Christ's Sake, I hear he and Kate dont fight there, since neither speak chinaman language, so they moved. Anyways, Ron and I are live-blogging all day, and since I'm up, I can either start now, or beat off and go to sleep.

Night fellas.

BTW Flying in from china at 9pm, when I start at 8am, and probably coming with your gf, does not make u a MANDAtorY participant. Not Hate Charles, Just Love. That AcROnym is NHCJL. I dont have a reason that I just typed that.

Rumor of the Week

2007-09-05T21:00:00.000-04:00

A little late night addition to BDNB because tomorrow I am meeting the president of the company, and probably dont want to explain that I need to take a 30 minute break to blog. Him being a god fearing Mormon, and me being a last call fearing alcoholic, I'm sure we are bound to hit it off well, and I need to devote as much time as possible to the fantastic conversations we are going to have.

"So what brought you to our company?"

"You said you'd give me a company car"

"The one you just got a speeding ticket in while hungover this weekend?"

"Fuck You"

"I like you son, lets go get drunk"

"Aren't you a mormon"

"Yes"

"Fuck You"

Its gonna go great.

So anyways, I feel it is time to start a new weekly session on the ol blog, since nothing seems to be getting written at all, there is plenty of room. I figure since this is the group that has started such great (and entirely factual rumors) as Kurt Hein crying everytime he cums (be it masturbating with his forearm or while making love to Maureen or Kyle) Patterson shitting himself at TOTS, and many others, we need a weekly rumor. Here we go:

Bonnie Blowstein is pregnant. This has been figured out by my keen, hungover, attention to detail, and also confirmed by many a source. I think it is fair to say that Bonnie was not brought on to ESPN for her journalistic abilities, instead she got there by the only reason we men let women on tv. Either we really want to fantasize about fucking them in every position, i.e attractiveness, or they have allowed various men, and possibly women, in higher positions, degrade them in multiple ways on call, i.e. whores. The ones that truly make it, see sideline reporters, possess both characteristics. (I don't know how Suzy Kolber or Andrea Kramer got here, they are anomalies) We don't want ugly fat bitches on tv, thats why the fatties are on the daytime tv when we're out hunting and gathering as you whores bang the milkman.

So we know what talents got Bonnie here, but suddenly ESPN will not show her up close. All her tv time has been from far away camera angles introducing spots that she narrates but no close ups on her face/body. Therefore she must have gotten hideously fat. I have been told that the reason for this is that she was knocked up in a threesome by Eric Mangenious, and Bill the Faithful Bellichek. If you don't believe me, then please note the cold handshake first seen between the two men, followed by the awkward man hug the following meeting. Now Bellichek is coming out and publicly complimenting Mangenius. This is obviously the end result of them coming to grips with the fact that their homesexual love triangle has produced life. I would expect in the next few weeks we should hear an announcement on who the father is, but remember where you heard it first, and probably last.

Top 5 Thursday: Best Wars

2007-08-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

I'd like to begin this blog by thanking Scummy for allowing me to guest star on Top 5. This is the bread and butter of BDNB, and well, I'm the apricot marmalade. And there are a whole lot of ladies out there spreading me around. But I digress......

Now I'm a peaceful man. I got in a fight once during my high school days and I felt so bad afterwards that I wrote her a poem apologizing for the crushing blows I laid upon her head time after time. But these are confusing times we live in, and there is a war going on that will certainly go down as the dumbest thing this dumb country ever did. But not all wars are like that, and so, it is with great pleasure that I give you the Top 5 Wars of All Time!!! (Sidenote: There are no rules for this top 5 because, in fact, all is fair in love and war.)

5. The French - Indian war - This war is sooooo underrated. For those of you who don't know your history (or how to use wikipedia), allow me to explain why this war kicks ass. The war basically consisted of the British and the French fighting over the American colonies, and the French lost. So this war is the reason we aren't a french country. I mean, can you picture everyone in New York walking around with a beret and perv mustaches? And how much less hot would the chicks in this country be with hairy pits? On a sidenote, the Indians played both sides of this war and punked the French pretty bad. Much props. Also, Last of the Mohicans, one of the greatest movies of all time, is based on a battle in this war.

4. Vietnam War - Now lets put aside the fact that this was a total disaster from the getgo. Think about a few things: 1. Rock 'n Roll really peaked as a rebellious form against Vietnam. 2. The most amazing war movies ever are about Vietnam (Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, just to name a few). I mean, did you ever notice how much cooler people from the 60's are than us? Either they fought in 'Nam, which makes them badass or they protested 'Nam by taking 6 tabs of acid and not cutting their hair. God I wish I was alive back then.

3. Persian Wars (specifically the Battle of Thermopylae) - Now I know nothing about Greek history and I tried to find Persia on a map, but I swear it's not there. However, let me say this - the movie 300 was the most overwhelming display of badassness that I have ever seen. And it is in fact based on a true story of the Spartan Army. God I wish I went to Michigan State.

2. Ace v. Ace - That's right, the card game War. Anytime your opponent and you both lay down aces, you know it's on. I know I'm thinkin' crazy right now, but how nuts would it be if you won the war by throwing down another Ace and your opponent throws down a King?!?!? That shit is fucking nuts!!!!

1. Battle of Beth Zur - This is the story of the legend Judah Maccabeus. He is the man who recaptured Jerusalem for the Jews by defeating the Greeks on December 14, 164 BCE. He then purified the Temple of Jerusalem and led a small but strong army known as the Maccabees who brought peace in the land of Israel for a time. Basically, this battle is why I get 8 presents in 8 nights while all you gentile bitches only get 1 night of presents. Hannukah fucking rocks!!!!

What's in a Name....

2007-08-29T11:58:00.001-04:00

Recently I've come to the conclusion that all women have been acting whorish throughout the history of the world. I know that's a broad statement, so I narrowed it down a bit. Chicks with the same initial of their first name as their last name are giant bitches/whores/trannies and need to be stopped. Here's a brief alphabetical list of said women...

Barbara Bush - I heard she once took roofies on purpose and then called Gorbachev a pussy. True story...

Connie Chung - Grew up in MD which immediately makes her a bit more whorrish. She also gives Dan Rather handjobs under the news desk. Seriously, someone actually told me that, and they were a half-decent source...

Dumpy D - Local celebrity. I could go on here, but it isn't worth it...

Eliza Easy - My favorite stripper at the Night Hawk in Baltimore, she told me she loves me but I'm pretty sure she's told that to a few other guys as well. Bitch...

Farrah Fawcett - Town whore of the 60's and 70's. Still probably gets around. Also her last name sounds like a home appliance that spits out fluids when you turn it on...Think about it...

Gina Gershon - If you've seen the movie Bound you know where I'm goin here. If you haven't, netflix the hell out of it since there are a few silly lesbo scenes featuring the G-Whore, as I call her...

Helen Hunt - She may seem innocent but she banged the entire cast and crew of Mad About You according to my buddy Gene who was an assistant producer of the show. I've also heard she's Mad About Poo, if you know what I mean...

Jenna Jameson - Gotta respect her for everything she's done for all of us, but I'm sorry, she's a big who-aaaaa....

Kelly Kapowski - Started her vicious ways in middle school and eventually left Zack Morris a stump of the man he once was. If I were a student at Bayside I woulda banged Lisa Turtle, at least you knew you weren't getting the Clap w/ her...

Lisa Loeb - "I'm cold and I am chained, lying naked on the floor." That's a lyric from her hit song 'Torn'. Read it again and tell me she's not a dominatrix hooker.

Marilyn Monroe - Drug problem, married a few times, banged two Presidential-type brothers, and posed naked. I would say she wrote the formula on 'whoring'.

Natasha Nockers - Another stripper I fell in love with. I have a problem.

Olive Oil - Was bangin Popeye and Brutus at the same time and she wasn't even hot. These two guys just went for her cause they knew she was a sure thing. Also, she's named after something I would dip my 'bread' in if you know what I mean. I sure don't...

Parker Posey - Limited P's people. But she was Grade-A whorish in Dazed and Confused even though she never actually hooked up. I was afraid of women for 10 years because of her character. Unfortunately I saw the movie ten years ago so I don't think it's stopped yet...

Rachel Ray - Divorced her husband once she got famous. Any chick who pulls this move is a slut-devil. She deserves to be cooked in an oven with her chocolate trouffles...

Susan Sarandon - Bull Durham she accosts Crash and LaLoosh and says she bangs one player a year and then preceeds to do both of em. Classic whore syndrome. She also dated Sean Penn when he was 18 and she was 32. Dammmmmnnnn....

Tina Turner - Any woman who forces her husband to beat her is obviously a slut. Who knows what she did to drive Ike to those terrible measures. Whoring should be as much a federal offense as wife-slappin...

Veronica Vaughn - Apparently Chris Farley knows from experience. And a friend of his "got it on" with her. Also, she married Pete Sampras who's obviously a douche w/ money. Damn you vile woman...

Please add more...

From the BDNB marketing department

2007-08-24T07:47:00.001-04:00

We here at BDNB are all about second chances. There have been many athletes over the last few months or so that have tarnished their good name, and rather then piling on them, we are partnering with the to put out some new products that will help bring their name out into a shining new light. Here are a few tasty snacks we are helping them produce:

We start out with a delicate treat brought to us by none other the Gary Sheffield. Gary wanted to make a double fudge cookie, with a chocolate cream in the center. This sounds normal enough, however Sheff didnt think an all brown cookie would market well. So to make it more marketable to "whitey" as he put it, the chocolate cream center is colored white so that it "aint all the way black," thus making it desirable by Joe Torre and all other racist, slave owning whities everywhere. We're with ya Sheff!

Next, we were surprisingly approached by Pittsburgh running back Najeh Davenport. Najeh wanted to use this platform to announce his launching of a string of ice cream stands in the Miami area. He says his gimic is that the only ice creams served will be chocolate, and chocolate with peanuts or corn. All soft serve, and all of the bowls and cones are in the shape of women's laundry baskets. We're not too sure about this Najeh, but it is Miami, and those fags will try anything, Good luck.

The third contraversial figure we wanted to bring to life was none other then Ol Ookie Blaylock, Michael Vick. Few people are trying to replace as much lost income as Ol MV#7 so we were glad to help with Ookie Dogs. These Hot DOGS all come in the same flavor, with a mystery meat he won't reveal to is, but the gig is they are all prepared a different way. Electric # 7 dogs are to be prepared by electrocution, Underwater Ookies are recomended to be submerged into boiling water until finished, and Slam Bam Ookies are equipped with a mechanism that is activated to cook when repeatedly slammed into the ground. We hear it is entertaining to start them all at the same time and bet on which one finishes first. Spicy Mexico Ookies are due out next Fall.

Finally our captain of the morality team Barry Bond has our most exciting new flavor coming out. The Barry Blow Pop is a look a like of our Home Run King* and comes in many flavors complete with his oversized head. The kicker here is as yo suck ol Barry off, his head shrinks back to normal size, and at the same time, the jersey goes from San Francisco back to the Pittburg Jersey of old! We're not sure what that represents, but people that have chewed the gum have reported an increase of the intensity of their workouts, and quicker recovery time.

Thats all we have from the labs right now folks, but any other marketing suggestions are more then welcome. Go Fuck Yourself.

This Guy Makes Vick Look Like a Pussy

2007-08-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

So this guy in South Africa had his house raided by authorities who got a tip (probably from Dave Matthews) that he owned a live crocodile. When the police showed up they found six hidden swimming pools filled with 98 motherfuckin croc's. This guy either has a fetish or he loves to watch giant lizards kill each other. Although I wonder if he tries to drown them when they perform poorly, cause that could backfire severly.

Apparently though, the guy said he was training them to be an army of croc's that he would be in charge of. Not sure what the army would fight exactly, Apartheid I assume. Whoops, wait a sec, just found out that Apartheid is not a person. Always thought he was some freakshow bad guy that Nelson Mandela hated. I have alot to learn.

**Apparently the guys house was in Mexico, so I guess the croc's were going to be used as drug mule's, not Apartheid killers...

Interviews With Baseball's True Heroes....

2007-08-21T21:26:00.000-04:00

In a recent candid interview for a new Ken Burns documentary, famed journalist Mr. Edward McNight interviewed various Major League Baseball players around the league to get their views on different topics prevelant in today's society. Luckily we managed to get our hands on these tapes, and even though we will probably get sued for millions, we've posted the scripts below. Enjoy.

Edward McNight: Welcome viewers, tonight we bring you an interesting look at the heart of the MLB and do so by talking with some of the games most influential people. Here with us, Gary Sheffield from the Tigers and Jim Thome from the White Sox. How are you guys?

Gary Sheffield: Awww shit man, whats happenin'?

Jim Thome: Afternoon Ed.

Gary: Ed, did you play left field for the Dodgers in '68, my rookie year? Damn you look familiar bitch.

Ed: Actually I'm a journalist Gary, I don't play sports.

Gary: Well fuckin' Erin Andrews is a journey-list and she played sports. Shit man, anybody can do what you do.

Jim: What sport did Erin Andrews play? I think you mean she was a cheerleader.

Gary: Nah man, she played Suck Gary's Balls. Fastest growin sport in the country mothafucka's!

Ed: So Jim, how has transition been lately going from a star athlete to a more refined role of a clubhouse leader?

Jim: It's been just great Ed, I feel like-

Gary: Fuck you Thome you French fuck. Yo, but seriously, are you related to dat My Cousin Vinny bitch. I heard she fucks like a rabbit G, I love dat bitch. Can you hooks it?

Jim: That's Marisa Tomei, no relation.

Gary: Shit, I know you be lyin. You just don't want Gary all up in yo family. Shit, I hook up da whole family on Chris-mass. You don't even know. I buy mothafuckin rides for all my peeps. You probably all up on dos' gay ass European rides though, you and your Swiss candy ass. You and Jeter should start up a hotel called da Jeter and Thome Gay European Love Shack. You bitches could make a killing from A-Rod and Damon alone, shit. A-Rod, dat shit is funny get it. Ass-rod. HA, bitch's name is Ass Rod.

Jim: Frankly Gary, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop bashing my family name. I take a lot of pride in where I come from, and besides I'm American, not European. You're way to quick to judge other-

Gary: Jim, shut da fuck up for a sec, Gary just got some mo' brain ideas. Don't chu hate how in line at da grocery store der's only chick magazines on the racks. US Weekly and People and dat kinda bullshit. Gary ain't in dos' mag's. Hook some GQ up in dat rack. Dat's Gary's hookness. And dey think only bitches buying groceries? I don't trust no bitch to pick out my veggies. I ask for radishes bitch comes back with cauliflower. What da fuck am I gonna do wit some cauliflower, its just some white racist broccoli. What's next, white oranges, dat shit dont make sense. Where da black broccoli at?

Jim: Ed, can I leave now?

Ed: Jim, sit your ass down. Gary, what do you think of the Michael Vick situation and how his cohorts sold him out to have a lesser charge?

Gary: Eddie, I don't know what the fuck a cohort is.

Ed: Friends, entourage, gang, group...

Gary: Ah, my peeps. Yea, my peeps is fuckin nuts these days. Why is it when my peeps buyin drugs and shit ova da phone dey need to use all these code words. "Yo, Sheff, I just bought some 'grassy knoll' if you know what i mean. Come over and lets 'get baked'." I don't know what da fuck he's sayin. Does dis bitch really think the FBI is tappin his phone and shit. Mothafucka dont even own a ride, he aint no gangsta. Shit, you be betta off in jail wit dos' free meals you dumb bitch, just say WEED mothafucka!

Jim: I'm actually gonna have to agree with Gary on this one. There's no way the fed's are tapping everyones phone and the minute you say drugs or smack or eight ball they're gonna break your door down and start clubbing you to death. People aren't very smart, especially drug users.

Gary: What da fuck you say bitch? I'm bout to light up some white widow and then stomp yo gay Italian ass...

The Washington Seadogs

2007-08-20T13:19:00.000-04:00

So Ron and I were just discussing about how when the Bullets changed their name to the Wizards, the runner-up choice was the Seadogs. These are two flat out terrible names. Now, since all the recent bad press about wizards have come out (see: Harry Potter naked in a play in London or Peter Jackson in that weird spandex outfit in "Entourage"), we figure the Wiz might be changing their name again. Here are some other terrible suggestions:

The Washington Monuments (sounds good, but think of a building as your mascot...awkward)

The Washington Douchebags (very prevalent in that area)

The Washington Ugly Chicks (again, extremely prevalent)

The Washington Everyone Here is from Jersey Somehows

The Washington We're Here to Watch the Other Team Plays

The Washington Living in the Pasts

The Washington Redskins circa 1980's

The Washington Interns

The Washington Arlingtons (best part of DC)

The Washington Whitlows (nice ring to it...)

Whatever the choice of team name, I just think it's time to choose a better mascot. I mean, how the hell did we end up with a blue furry thing in a dunce cap named "G-wiz"??? As in g-wiz, another DC basketball player was involved in a shooting. It's like the phillie phanatic has been so successful in its hometown that we decided to give a furry muppet a shot as well. Imagine the board meeting about that one: Abe Pollin is waiting for a good idea for a mascot and Susan O'Malley says, "How about Phillie Phanatic......but blue!" and then this is followed by mumbles of approval from everyone on the board. Let's just make Marion Barry the mascot and get it over with. That's like saying "We are who we are, now deal with it." Then we could put Marion Barry in a race kinda like the Presidential race at the Nats games. However, we'd put him up against the bum who plays sax outside of the Verizon Center and at the end of the race the winner would get a pipe filled with crack.

NFL PreDICKtions....AFC West

2007-08-17T09:14:00.000-04:00

Man am I hungover from our fantasy draft last night. It's interesting to note that my first five picks were all amazing and then I don't remember anything past that except that I think I picked three tight ends and four kickers. When I get drunk I start picking players like chicks pick march madness, everything is based on pure emotions and no statistical analysis is involved.

Seriously though, if I pick Matt Jones before the 9th round one more time I'll have to buy his jersey. The guy has some sort of odd power over me, which makes me completely enthralled by the fact that he's 6'6 and runs a 4.6 but somehow sucks ass.

Anyway, AFC Predicktions, as always, based on the scale of my motherfucking choosing. Cause I run shit bitches...

Helmet Logo

1) Chargers - Love how they're changing to the new white helmy's this year, great move. Also, I have no idea how teams pick their mascots. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I have no idea what charging or power has to do with San Diego. Were they the first city to have power, or is that where Energizer is headquartered? Do they get alotta lighting? Fuck me.

2) Raiders - One of the few teams that keeps their helmy's throughout many decades (see: Bucs and Pats new helmy's as of late).

3) Bronco's - Going to Denver for a conference next week. First time even seeing the Rocky Mtns. I've always wanted to see how long I can fuck at high altitudes. I guess this will be the week to entertain that idea.

4) Cheifs - Or is it Chiefs. I have typed both of them 40 times and still don't know. I think it's Chiefs but the rule is I before E except after C. And there's most definitely a C there, but it just doesnt look right. And who decided this spelling? Who was the guy who invented the word Chief/Cheif and picked which way the I/E would be listed? It wasn't Jesus was it? I'm thinkin we didn't have the word Chief/Cheif till we came over to America and found the Indians taking up all the land that we obviously had planned to claim. But the English didn't come over till like the 1500's so this word is only 500 years old. That means some douchebag whose offspring probably go to UVA right now fucked with all of us and created this damn word that is impossible to spell and now the name of a football team. This is why I hate the English...

Famous person from the city

1) Kansas City - Man there's alotta famous people from Kansas City, I had no idea. Ernest Hemingway, Walt Disney, Eminem, Don Cheadle, Melissa Etheridge. But my favorite is Paul Rudd. Man that guy is cool. I wish I had that gift where you can act like a total prick to everyone all the time but still come across as a great dude. Good work Paul.

2) Denver - Apparently Don Cheadle is from both Kansas City and Denver, which in itself is impressive. I wonder who he roots for in football since this is a pretty big rivalry dating back many a year. And he was the spokesman for the playoffs a few years back so you know he's a football fan. These are things we should know about our celebs. I could care less who theyre fucking, I wanna know if they have an Elway or Derrick Thomas jersey. Actually, I'm kinda curious as to who Cheadle is fucking...

3) Oakland - Too $hort. Anyone with a dollar symbol in their name is fucking badass. I guess I could do Ron B€rmuda, which is kinda money. That's the symbol for the Euro by the way you commie fucks.

4) San Diego - Real World San Diego was the worst real world ever. That's when they stopped being real and started being gay.

Coolness of Mayor

1) Kansas City - I only chose this method of ranking because Kansas City's mayors name is Mark Funkhouser. Man I bet that guy is cool. Can someone find a pic of him. Oh wait, here it is...

Just what I expected...What an f'n pimp. You see that power tie? This guy gets laid more than Cheadle, no doubt...

2) Oakland - Ron Dellums - He's a black man which immediately makes him cooler than the douche bags underneath him. Every day I wake up wishing I was a black man. Man they got it good...

3) San Diego - Jerry Sanders - He was in SAE, which I cannot praise, but the fact that he was in a fraternity...I guess that's kinda cool. I'm pretty sure that's the whitest name I've ever heard in my life, Jerry Sanders. It's like Bob Franklin. Terrible. He could learn a thing or two from ole' Dellums in Oakland.

4) Denver - John Hinkenlooper - This piece of shit is the worst. First off, he went to Wesleyan. I'm pretty sure that's an all-chicks school which at first sounds kinda cool but when you think about it he's a giant pussy. Most of those girls there I imagine are lesbians and the ones that aren't will not fuck you because you go to Wesleyan. Also, he voted against the legalization of marijuana last year in Denver that would have definitely happened if not for him. So he's a NARC. Great.

There ya have it. And the winner of the AFC West, the Kansas City Cheifs/Chiefs...Congrats boys...

That's it for the AFC, get excited cause I might start predickting every game every week. Yippeee

Top 5 Thursday: Greatest Sports Venues

2007-08-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

Ok, I don’t know about you guys but I am in full swing for football. First fantasy draft is tonight, and I can guarantee you my shirt will be off and I’ll be pouring beer on myself in my own house……………wait till you see me at Lib Tav later tonight. Before I reveal this weeks top 5 topic I need a minute to tell you something that may come across as appalling, but to me just another great antic by Ron.

Anybody that has been to 2610 knows we have a top porch, well apparently on Sunday afternoon around 2 pm Ron came out on the deck to have a smoke after a shower and air dry. (he was wearing nothing but a towel, I know it’s a disgusting mental image but stay with me) Well a hottie walked by, which is standard in our neighborhood, and Ron decided to jerk off in public on the top deck. If you’re not laughing at this point something is wrong. He claims to have busted in his hand, but Luke and I both know the deck is a stickier place now and we both decided that we now live with somebody who can technically be classified as a sexual predator, so we’ve got that going for us, which is nice!

Ok, Top 5 favorite Sporting Venues you’ve ever been too. The only rule is that you yourself have to have been to the event at said venue, otherwise it is all fair game.

Enjoy!

Byrd Stadium – First let me preface this by saying this place SUCKS for football games. I have fond memories of Byrd when the NCAA Lacrosse Final Four was played there every memorial day weekend from 1995-1999 and I never missed a single one of them. Me and some of my lacrosse teammates would get driven by our dads (I wasn’t 16 until 1997) and then steal all their beer one by one and get shit canned. Then we would attempt to solicit girl lacrosse players whom were there with their lesbian coach for hand jobs, sometime it worked. We would then go into the stadium lay in the famous bowl with our shirts off and dip tobacco all day long. May sound lame to you, but Byrd Stadium will always have a special place in my heart with these memories. (Watching Lacrosse live is also highly recommended)

Quincy Field – This is the Wrigley field of the Arlington softball fields. Unlike the field in Pentagon City where drinking and cussing can get you disqualified, this field embraces those qualities. This field’s dugouts were designed to inhibit and actually encourage drinking, the little cubbies are great for pouring and pounding in, I honestly think I could’ve smoked a bowl in one of those and been ok. They even place the Port-o-Jon close to the dugout because they know you’re going to have to pee frequently from slamming all those beers. This field is also in the heart land of Arlington just a hop skip and jump from Car pool, unlike other fields that are in little Mexico or Jennie Dean which is a hop skip and a jump from a mugging. Quincy field, BDNB salutes you, and we were 4-0 on you and we can’t wait to be back this fall!

Super Dome – Ok, Im not picking this because Im sure it’s the easiest stadium in the world to buy crack at. Im picking this because I’ve been their twice and Im still amazed by their drinking rules. They allow you to buy Jet Fuel (190 proof grain alcohol) in this stadium. When we were there for the national championship I had 4 drinks in the first half and literally blacked out. I can’t tell you a thing about the second half. I also got into the game without having an actual ticket, we stood in will call with all the players parents and just ended up walking in with them. Ok, so lets review; the easiness to get in, the access to jet fuel to drink, the total disregard for laws, and the readily available stash of crack makes the Super Dome #3 on my list.

Lane Stadium – What can I say about this piece of heaven on earth? I still get the goose bumps when I turn the corner from Clay St. and see the ABC officers arresting underage drinkers, hear the sound of vomit coming from the woods next to green street, and I look up in the air and see the Hokie stone clad stadium and I know Im home. There is no other stadium that you can buy a 10 lb turkey leg, there is no other stadium that fluff can pass out in and drool all over himself, and there is no other stadium that you can rush the field after a Miami game and do snow angels on the 50 yard line. This is Lane Stadium and year in and year out it’s a top 10 intimidating place to play and that’s because of our obnoxious drunk asses. But the real reason I love this stadium is because the Hokies have been so good and the stadium is soo sweet that at halftime of every game we’re up so much that I leave the stadium for TOTS, cause lets be honest, Lane Stadium is a piece of heaven, while TOTs is heaven itself.

RFK – The minute I write RFK, in my head I start singing “Hail to the Redskins, Hail Victory…….” Its amazing the memories and images that are conjured in my head at the mere writing of three letters. I was young for my RFK redskins memories, but from what I remember they were amazing, The cold December afternoon and the togetherness of the atmosphere will always resonate with me about that place. I’ll also never forget the last game ever in RFK when we stomped the cowboys and all the stands were literally moving up and down. The game was over, but people didn’t want to leave, everyeone knew how special that place was and there was no louder stadium in the NFL during the 1980’s and early 90’s. Luckily now that Im older I’ve been able to experience RFK while intoxicated because of our beloved Nats. I’ve been to every opening day since they came back, not to mention a few nights of getting so drunk I had to look up the score the next day in the paper. This place is rat infested and a hell hole, but it’s the people that make it and the memories that will last forever. I love RFK and will be sad to see it go. GO SKINS!

Well that about wraps it up, sorry about getting sentimental but I love RFK and fucking HATE FedEx, I wish the Skins still played in D.C. and I think they will by 2017.

Honorable mention: Orange Bowl, Mile High Stadium, Gold Cup (horse track is technically a sporting venue), Langley Saxon Lacrosse Field, Sig Ep Basketball court during Pie Tourney

Wow, you're getting kinda old, might be time to do something with your life...like get a job

2007-08-16T08:29:00.000-04:00

So we had a BDNB birthday yesterday, Gringo turned 20-something, and celebrated by taking himself to Yankee Stadium for a day game of watching the Yanks bullpen get shelled as they normally do this time of year. Love that Shelley Duncan though, or any other professional athlete for that matter who has a chicks name...

Anyway, this got me thinkin, when am I gonna start lying to girls about my age? 30? 35? There's no way I'll be married when I'm 30 and there's also no way I'm gonna tell a 23 year old dime piece that I'm ten years away from dying (if you live past 40, youre not having enough fun).

So after my next birthday I'm getting a fake ID that says I'm 24 and I will simply relive my mid-20's all over again. I figure I can do this a few times, at least till I'm 38, since then the full head of gray hair is gonna be kinda hard to explain. Especially when they think I'm a professional Indy Car driver...

Gringo, here's your present, it's in the mail...

NFL PreDicktions: NFC WEST A.K.A "Nobody Fucking Cares" division

2007-08-15T11:11:00.000-04:00

Seattle Seahawks: After a injury plagued season still found the Hawks a missed overtime field goal away from beating the Bears on Soldier Field, it goes to show that this team still has the talent to go deep in the pathetic NFC West. Ok, lets be honest, every year the 49er’s and Cardinals are hyped but this is the glorified Pac 10, and I hope we all know how I feel about the Pac 10, a bunch of fucking pansies that don’t play defense and create crappy Jeff Tedford quarterbacks………..Back on track, if the Seahawks can remain healthy and find at least a sub par replacement for Steve Hutchinson I see no reason not to rank this team as a top 4 NFC superbowl contender. Those are a lot of ifs though……….
Record: 11-5
Strengths: Play well in the Rain, Daryl Tapp, Mack Strong, Microsoft, Nike and Boeing are in their corner so basically they could take over the world if they needed to, Grunge error rock is making a comeback, Pearl Jam & Nirvana, They drafted Baraka Atkins and I still somehow think this is the same Baraka from Mortal Kombat and he is def going to kick some ass.
Weaknesses: Mike Holmgren actually ate Steve Hutchinson they didn’t trade him (watch out Ben Tubbs you sound appetizing), Male Pattern Baldness effects all the whiteys and even a few of the brothas on this team (we know why you shave your head Sean Alexander), Suicide rates soar during poorly officiated Superbowl games against the Steelers (was it just me or was Tim Donaghy officiated Super Bowl XL?)
X-Factor: Well I was thinking of something witty and entertaining about this team but came up with nothing, honestly this is the most boring unliked good team in the league, you don’t hate or like them they’re just blahh. So I began to focus on Seattle and I noticed how un American this city is. Clean air, corporations that give back to the community, weed is basically legal and crime rates are down. Because of all this I have decided that Seattle should now only be referred to as California’s Canada and will not be allowed to play for the superbowl instead they must battle it out for the Grey cup where they will soundly get destroyed by a dark horse team next year led by Michael Vick and Ricky Williams named Team Smoke.

St. Louis Cardinals: This team epitomizes the record 8-8 and this year should be no different. They will flash signs of greatness but also look like Crack’s doo doo brown in Bud’s boat from time to time. I think this team is moving in the right direction, but by the time they get there Holt, Bruce, and Bulger will be retired, and Steven Jackson will have been killed by Arnold Schwarzenegger in some jungle in the South Pacific (he will later return only to be killed by Danny Glover in the sequel).
Record: 8-8
Strengths: The McCarty’s love St. Louis, Steven Jackson, Drew Bennet is a HUGE fantasy Sleeper, Nelly is pretty sweet, Kurt Warner and his bible beating She/he wife/husband are both gone
Weaknesses: If I hear one more word about how good Adam Carriker is Im actually going to kill him (way to go Skins), when you call your city the gateway to the west but aren’t actually the west isn’t that self admission that your city sucks?, the defense REALLY sucks, Cities beloved Baseball manager loves DUI’s good thing Bud is a pushover cause Goodell would’ve suspended him for 4 games.
X-Factor: Bulger has flown under the radar as an unassuming Mountaineer for sometime but his close relationship with Chris Henry and Pac Man Jones his been kept a secret for far too long, in actuality Bulger is the third amigo and Jones refers to him as “White Chocolate”. Mid way through the year Bulger is spotted making it rain with his amigos, as they get ready to leave the club Bulger offers to drive, considering the other two’s legal issues, and sure enough a DUI he gets followed by the Fuhr’s 4 game suspension. Back up Gus Frerotte is asked to play, in his pregame excitement he puts his helmet on backwards and runs into the goal post knocking himself unconscious. Enter Ryan Fitzpatrick………….need I say more?

Arizona Cardinals: I went to Arizona for the first time in my life a month ago and I don’t get it? It’s the fucking desert and anybody that tells you that dry heat isn’t hot is just a liar. Cool place to visit horrible place to live and horrible football team. Also if you ever go to Rancho Manana watch out for dead Coyotes showing up in the pool, not to mention a heroin addict named Jess that serves you drinks, it was odd to say the least. Anywho…. A new era is welcomed in Arizona, bring some hard nosed east coast offense to the west coast and see how it works. I love Russ Grimm and he is totally going to get that line in shape…………ummm wait a second wasn’t Joe Bugel Russ Grimms coach in Washington? And when Bugel went to Arizona to be a head coach how’d it work out? Pretty damn bad from my recollection. Arizona will always be Arizona and they should just always remember that regardless of the pre season hype by November of every year they are insignificant.
Record: 6-10
Strengths: Im gay for Matt Leinart, best receiver trio in the country, Edge is the shit and def does crack, every girl in AZ has fake boobs, big town for HJ’s
Weaknesses: Horrible Uniforms, non existent offensive line, Leinart spends more time reading US weekly as oppose to his playbook, Diseases Leinart contracted from Paris Hilton could mutate and go airborne at any minute
X-Factor: Has anybody else noticed that Leinart might actually really suck? Could it be true that the plethora of talent around him made him look good, but he actually sucked? Nay Nay my friends, if there was ever anything close to a real life Lance Harbor Matt Leinart would be the man.
1.) Paul Walker and Matt Leinart both have great Hair and Dimples (babies love dimples, highly underrated attribute)
2.) Both went to football crazy schools (USC, West Canan Coyotes)
3.) Ali Larder and Paris Hilton are both sluts
4.) Tweeter likes beer just like Fitzgerald loves crackers
5.) They both wear #7 (So did Ol’ Scummy)

I rest my case, but don’t be surprised when Leinart gets a season ending injury this year and Kurt Warner changes his name to Kurt Moxin

San Francisco 49er’s: Before I douse this team with hate I would like to take a minute to recognize Bill Walsh as probably the second greatest NFL coach of all time, his contribution to the NFL was amazing and the way his offense is still mimicked around the league is unprecedented. Now, Fuck the Niners. I’ve always hated the Niners and will continue to shit on them any chance I get. (Right now I hate them because they’re actually building a team from the ground up, unlike my Skins). This team will be up and down all year and in a lot of close games, but because of their inexperience they will lose most of the close games and have an early draft pick next year to pick up Vince Hall and then I will like them.
Record: 6-11
Strengths: Nolan is a snappy dresser, Steve Young, Frank Gore, The Rock was a sweet movie, really reaching here and got nothing
Weaknesses: Barry Bonds, Jerry Rice, Alex Smith, Rice a Roni, Can’t smoke even outside in this city, most of the city has been sold to Asia, English is the second language, If you’re hot like Ron and I you will get hit on by a lot of males yet no hot women, never know when you could run into the whole Tanner crew including Joey Gladstone, and Jesse and the Rippers
X-Factor: I really hate the 49er’s for ONE reason and that is the only thing I guess I want to discuss here. The Niners are the team of the 80’s when it should’ve been the Skins, we were both great dynasties yet if you live outside the district you only recognize the Niners accomplishments. For this I will always hold a grudge that will never be taken away from me. So to wrap up the NFC West, fuck the Niners!

I would like to apologize for any lack of creativity on this list. I really hate all four of these teams and could care less about anything they do. It’s the crappiest division in football and everybody knows it, and all the cities suck to boot. Next up NFC east, and let me inform you that my knowledge and creativity for that one will not disappoint, lets just say if I hate any two cities more than San Fran they most definitely are Dallas and Philly!!!!!!!

Didn't We Just Beat These Guys Two Years Ago...

2007-08-14T13:37:00.000-04:00

So all the geniuses of the internet writing world made their college football predictions today, and boy are we happy they did. Apparently, the Hokies are gonna be kinda good.
Every 'member' of this 'committee' selected VT to win the ACC outright and even one boy wonder, Todd McShay, picked us to go to the national championship. Holy nuts.

My problem was that three dingleberries picked LSU to go to the final game, meaning they would obviously beat us in September. Are you joking? There's no chance. Granted their offense is stacked and their defense thinks steroids are for pussies, but we've got Sean Glennon!! Sure, I bet there's a chance LSU holds on at home in front of Tiger faithful (I had no idea there were so many tigers in Louisiana that they named their state mascot after the animal. That's alotta fuckin tigers)

So, I'm making this guarentee...If the Titgers of LSU can somehow manage to defeat the Hokies in Baton Rouge this year, I will use this blog to post a picture every day for a week of myself running through a different public place completely naked, and you guys can even pick the place. I know, this sounds more terrifying for you then me, but this is how confident I am in victory that day. Bring it.

Top 5 Thursday: Top 5 Movie Characters You'd Never Fuck With

2007-08-09T13:26:00.000-04:00

Well I had a wonderful week off at the beach and I thank Ron for putting out a marvelous top 5 last week. I would have to say if I had to list my top 5 favorite bodies of Water Ted’s swimming pool would have to top the list, not only for being a depository for countless urinations but it was my sanctuary every summer break and I have some fond memories of that pool. I hope I get one last lap around the old McCarty pool before it’s gone for good.

Ahhh, guess I got off topic, so now to this weeks top 5. After watching Taxi Driver this week I got the idea of listing the top 5 movie characters you would NEVER want to fuck with. My only rule for this is the character cannot be supernatural or a creature. Clearly I would never fuck with the Predator or Cujo, but that’s not the point here. Think of actual movie characters you wouldn’t want to fuck with and yes Dylan McKay is off limits again, god he’s such a badass.

5.) Mr. Miyagi – Ok first and foremost anybody that can teach Ralf Macchio to kick some bodies’ ass must really know a lot about kicking ass. Second this old man totally kicked the shit out of Johnny Lawrence, Bobby, Tommy and Dutch (hes’ the one that says “put um in a body bag Johnny…….YEEEAAAHHHH) at one time and they were in cool scary skeleton costumes, and lastly the guy can catch flies with chopsticks. If I ever saw Mr. Miyagi in a dark ally I’d just offer to paint his fence and wax his cars for free, because he could totally kick my ass.

4.) Lyon Gaultier (aka Lionheart) – Ok I know what you’re all thinking……didn’t Jean Claude Van Damn get his ass beat in a bar fight??? And the answer is YES, but we’re not talking about Jean Claude, we’re talking about LionHeart, this mutha fucka is the real deal. He kicks the shit out of a gang of thugs, a crazy Scottish guy, some weird Hispanic guy in a pool, and lastly a Andre the Giant Clone (which he does with broken ribs). He does all this while somehow never getting to bang a chick (can you say gay?). Besides his amazing kicks and punches the music and clothes are also scary good in this movie. I think I could take Lyon’s gimpy black manager in a fight, just gotta kick him in the leg, but if Lionheart ever saw me do this I would be taking a round house kick to the face, followed by some sweet late 80’s music.

3.) Travis Bickle – Travis doesn’t have the physical strength or karate background like most of the others on this list but what he does have is mental instability combined with tremendous fortitude (kind of an oxymoron if you think about it) which makes him one of the most dangerous characters I’ve ever seen on the big screen. This guy is TOTALLY fucked up but man does he love porno movies. He spends his free time shooting guns, creating a harness to help a gun pop out of his sleeve, and practicing his moves while talking to himself in the mirror. The movie culminates with Travis sporting a sweet Mohawk (really wish Wes had done this for a day or two before he shaved everything) and going on a Pimps and Drug dealers killing spree while absorbing about 4 bullets and still lives. And all this not to even see Jodie Fosters tiny lesbian titties, what a sham. If I ever got in a cab and saw Travis Bickle driving it, I would pray to god he didn’t smell the weed in my pocket because I would be soo fucked if he did.

2.) Casey Ryback – Not since LL Cool J was a cook in that shark movie with Samuel L. Jackson (“THE SHARKS FUCKING ATE ME”) has a cook been so damn cool. Under Siege was definitely my favorite movie for about a 6 month period of my life (I think primarily because of that one scene that the stripper pops out of the cake) but in all honesty Ryback is a one man killing machine. I mean this guy killed a guy with a fucking microwave bomb. He’s not only a bad ass with his hands and guns but he’s crafty and creative with his deaths, and he never shies away from making a cheesy line right after a kill. He also kills Gary Busey (who is mentally insane, watch Entourage) and then he stabs Tommy Lee Jones in the head with a Cooking Knife (yes they did put that in there on purpose) and saves the day. Ryback is the shit and I’d feel much safer next time I got on Uncle Bud’s boat if I had Ryback with me, at least he probably wouldn’t allow any doo doo browns on board.

1.) John Matrix – Matrix is the shit! Arnold could have lead this list with 5 different characters, but I decided this was by far his best role ever. I mean is there any cooler scene in the world than when he collects all his shit and then outfits himself? Besides that he’s the baddest fool on the planet and he is totally getting airhead from that hottie that waits for him on the plane in the water. I also was already a fan of Alyssa Milano at that point and would’ve loved to have been her knight in shining armor, but I think that the four in one rocket launcher he carries around weighed more than me. Arius and Bennett should’ve known better, John Matrix never loses he only wins, and he blows tons of shit up in his way. Also, have you ever seen somebody throw a pipe through another mans body??? Didn’t think so. Matrix you are my hero and apparently you were so bad ass, they decided to make an entire trilogy based off your name, starring Keanu Reeves, you go boy!

Honorable Mention: Shaft, Harry Potter, Maximus, John McLean, Bunz, Angelo Pappas, Viper, the Gimp

NFL PreDICKtions.....AFC EAST

2007-08-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

Oh Snap, it's time to predickt....

I can only assume that you are all jivin over football right now. The Saints/Steelers game this weekend gave me more wood than I could have ever imagined, even when St. Pierre was handing it off to Najeh Davenport. The season is upon us, which means you degenerate gamblers out there need to know the skinny on whats bound to happen to each team. Thus, the predicktions were born, with a totally kickass rating system....

AFC EAST

Badassness of the City -

1) Miami - If there were only less Jews I woulda moved there five years ago. By far and away the hottest girls in the world are all stationed there, along with 90 percent of Cuba. The drinks are expensive and the dudes all suck each other off to workout videos, but who cares, if it was good enough for Don Johnson, it's good enough for me....Also, apparently OJ lives it up there too...

2) Buffalo - Somehow, this should be the worst city in any discussion about cities anywhere. But it just cannot get beaten by the low-life trash that is Boston and New York City. What a bunch of scum sucking perverts. Plus, Buffalo gave us the buffalo wing, and that created the invention of the Big Dipper (copyrighted by the BDNB Organization, if you steal it I'm pretty sure you go to jail) which will make us thousands of hundreds of dollars.

3 and 4) New York and Boston - An abundance of douche bags. Only thing NYC has going for it is that Flight of the Conchords is filmed there. That's kinda badass...Boston people make me wanna douche myself...

Team Helmets -

1) Miami - Dolphins are badass animals. They don't fuck with you like sharks do, and Ecco the Dolphin is a silly video game. The sequal Ecco 2: Tidal Wave was terrible however...

2) New England - Not basing this on their current helmets, but the money ones from the 80's and 90's with the revolutionary dude hiking the ball. It made me think, wow, these guys love America and they love football. I can dig that as I also love those two things. But lets be honest, Tom Brady would look good wearing any helmet.

3) Buffalo - First day is Bills training camp...

Dick Jauron - Ok guys, we really need to step up this year and show everyone what we're made of.

JP Losman -Please don't say I'm starting, please don't say i'm starting...

Marshawn Lynch - Man, it's fucking cold in Buffalo. It's 33 degrees and we're in the middle of August. What the fuck.

JP Losman - Please don't say I'm starting, please don't say i'm starting...

Dick Jauron - We're gonna go w/ JP as our starting guy this season so let's excited.

JP Losman - Fuck.

Lee Evans - Another year of my talent getting wasted, if I were on any other team I'd be in the motherfuckin hall of fame already.

Jim Kelly - Guys, I've decided to come out of retirement and play as QB this season.

Dick, Lee, JP - Thank God.

Marshawn Lynch - Who the fuck are you?

4) New York Jets - New York sucks my ass...

Hall of Fame Pimp-a-thon -

1) New York Jets - Joe Namath - He tried to make out with a 50 year old kinda busted commentator on national television. God only knows what he woulda done to Erin Andrews. I say rim job.

2) Miami Dolphins - Dan Marino - I met him when I worked at the Ritz in Tyson's Corner and he tipped me $100 bucks for carrying his luggage to his car. Great man. I decided it would be a good idea to bet that money on the Dolphins to win it all that year outta karma. They finished 4-12 and dicked me in the ass...

3) New England - Tom Brady - The man loves impregnating models, strippers, and actresses. He's about as cool as anyone could ever be, and I often dream about him at night in a strictly plutonic way. And when I say plutonic I mean I wouldn't mind being impregnated myself.

4) Buffalo - OJ Simpson - Is killing your wife because she's cheating on you that bad a thing. I think Nicole Brown shoulda been on trial there. Damn tramp....Question - If you could suck your own balls, would you? Discuss amongst yourselves. I say 'most definitely'.

Thus, it looks like your new AFC East champion is going to be....The Miami Dolphins!!! But I could see Buffalo sneaking in the playoffs with a wild card. Damn they got talent.

The Second Album is Always the Worst...

2007-08-08T14:08:00.000-04:00

So, I can't give much away, but the genius of BDNB has written a new song...I just want to get you people out there prepared for what could be a dousy of a tune. Once Gringo gets his lame ass in the recording studio we'll have the song posted. We're also gonna need ideas for the music video. GFY bitches...

NFL PreDICKtions NFC North

2007-08-03T10:36:00.000-04:00

We've seen how all the other guys rate their divisions, using such ridiculous criteria as "strengths," "weaknesses," and "players on the team." I'm not here to do that. I'm here to look at the real issues facing each team - food in that city, religious views, and 11th thing that comes up when you google that city. You won't find these issues in any "newspaper" or "television show" or any other "credentialed media" but that's because they don't want to talk about the truth. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the REAL NFC north predictions....

Chicago Bears

Food: I don't know that any of the other cities in this division even come close to Chicago in this category. Deep dish pizza, hot dogs, polish sausages, bratwursts. This is like 6 clogged arteries rolled into one. Careful though, you spend too much time in this city, you end up looking like the guy pictured above.

Religious Views: The Bears are Jewish. They don't spend a lot of money, yet somehow they are one of the most successful and highest earning franchises in sports. The Bears tradition is probably the oldest one in the entire league. Also, they never play games on the Sabbath (Friday night). Oh, and Rex Grossman's nose is frickin' huge.

11th thing that comes up on google: University of Illinois - Chicago. This is a school most likely filled with students who say they go to University of Illinois so that unsuspecting strangers will mistake their school for the Big 10 powerhouse. In reality, UIC is where kids go after they finish their local junior college. This is the one category that might hold back the Bears from going all the way this year.

Green Bay Packers

Food: Cheese........I'm lactose intolerant.

Religious Views: Lets see...their quarterback/face of the franchise is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. He was saved by the 12 step program. He LOVES jesus. He's about as old as the Pope.....Catholic all the way. Every priest who does the prayer for a team before the game wants to end up in Greenbay. He gets to be in the locker room of a "young" team. It's standard rookie hazing for them to be called into the priest's private office.

11th thing that comes up on google: The weather and conditions for Green Bay. This would normally be a good thing, but the fact that it is always cold and miserable in Green Bay turns it into a negative thing. There is also an advertisement on the page for a Holiday Inn in Green Bay. Picture the commercial for that one: A guy robs a bank, kills three cops trying to escape, gets put in jail, then gets butt raped by an inmate. The inmate turns to him afterwards and says, are you a professional killer? No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn in Green Bay last night.

Minnesota Vikings

Food: While researching this category for Minnesota (since I didn't know any type of food there except for ice) I came across this description of Bison Jerky: "Now that buffalo is no longer an endangered species, you can eat it." Apparently life is so barren in Minnesota that you have to eat any animal that is not being protected by the EPA. This is the real reason the Vikings have never won a super bowl.

Religious Views: Here is an excerpt describing the gods of ancient Vikings, which is amazingly similar to describing the Vikings football team. The Gods "were not all-powerful, or all-knowing, or entirely good. Like men, they ate, fought, played jokes, were deceived on occasion [by prostitutes on a boat], and eventually would die."

11th thing that comes up on google: I typed in "Minneapolis" because that is the city where the Vikings play, and do you know what the 11th site on google for that is? Minneapolis, Kansas. Google can't even come up with eleven sites about the biggest city in Minnesota! Meanwhile some of the highlights of Minneapolis, Kansas are Marley Park (with RV hookups available), Saturday night racecar driving, and the fact that the location is between two intersecting interstate highways.

Detroit

Food: Do bullets count as food? Because Detroit has a lot of bullets. Ok, fine, let's say bullets don't count. Well, I did some research on food in Detroit, and I swear to god, I found this as a list of someone's top 5:

1. Shrimp. Lots of shrimp places in the city. Yet, no shrimping near by. Hmmmm.
2. Bad pizza

3. Mexican! Real Mexican too, not just tacos and quesadillas. But only in SW Detroit.

4. Fast food.

5. More fast food.

Religious Views: This team is clearly buddhist because they bring no harm on anyone.

11th thing that comes up on google: I was really hoping that Eminem's fan page would come up, but to my surprise, it was something better - The Fabulous Ruins of Detroit. This site is exactly what it claims to be - a description of buildings that got torn down in Detroit. I can't believe this city is a popular choice to host the Super Bowl.

Predictions: Chicago will win the superbowl, Greenbay's rookies will quit the team and join the church, the Vikings will relocate to Kansas, and Detroit will burn to the ground.

Top5 Thursday!!! Favorite Bodies of Water!!!

2007-08-02T08:30:00.000-04:00

Scummy is outta town wrastling with white trash wanna-be Johnny's in fantastic Ocean City, MD. Normally the kiddo woulda put out his top5 Thursday today, however they haven't discovered the internet on the eastern shore of Maryland yet. Henceforth, I will be taking over the reigns of the glorious top5 this afternoon.

This is a big day in my life because for the past few months I've constantly thrown my ideas for the top5 towards Scummy, and they are immediately thrown back into my face (and rightfully so, most of my ideas on this subject are incredibly lame, I just throw em out there to piss Scummy off, like top5 favorite Gilligans Island episodes which actually is a pretty good top5, just not for this group of misfits). So anyway, now it's my turn bitches.

This weeks top5 will be....your all-time top5 favorite bodies of water. They can be any type of body of water from anywhere in the world. This can be based on the awesomeness of the water-skiing or the amount of 'pink salmon' you've slammed there...It's your world...

5) Caribbean Sea - This entered my top5 not because I enjoy the sandy beaches or blistering sun, but because I lost my virginity while on a cruise ship in the summer of '97. I was a young strapping boy of 16 years; she, a matured lady of 19. We danced in the copa lounge till sunrise, then made our way back to her cabana for 'daiquiri's'. It was hot that night, and her silky skin did everything it could to cool me down. She made a man outta me. Ah, summer nights...

4) Potomac River - This majestic creature separates Virginia from the District and Maryland which are connected by land motherfuckers. Thank god too, we don't want Virginians spoiling all the work that MD and DC have put into this fine country. It's also a perfect place for parking a boat at the waterfront then pooing everywhere inside the boat, which inevitably ends up in the goddam river.

3) Gull Lake - A gorgeous spot of water located in the lower left part of the hand of Michigan. This one mile stretch of crystal blue has everything a lazy ass prick like me would ever desire, and damn the ladies are fine. Nowhere in the world has more divorced 50-something women that love to hunt young single 20-something men who may or may not be a minor league pitcher for the Boston Red Sox organization (see: antifollicle).

2) McCable's Creek - A nice little creek that sat behind my old house in Fairfax...I spent my childhood smashing frogs with my hands until I realized that I could make out with easy chicks underneath the foot bridge. Nothing compares to smoking a joint and getting a handjob at the same time while your feet are nestled in a babbling brook.

1) Chesapeake Bay - I would say that 90 percent of my childhood memories are from our house on the bay, and the other 10 percent are getting my ass whooped for lighting a firecracker under my brothers pillow while he was sleeping. Well worth it though. Granted, it's probably not the cleanest stretch of water, but it does house the finest crabs this world has ever seen. And speaking of crabs, the women in this area are full of spirit and love (that is code for white-trash hooker).

NFL PreDICKtions AFC North

2007-08-02T05:53:00.000-04:00

Easily the most up for grabs division in the AFC this year, any one of three teams could emerge, and then there are the Browns. Here iss what you already know, and a few facts and insights that may be new to you.

Baltimore Ravens
Strengths: McGahee coming in at running back with a stout O line, will give them a formidable running attack. If McNair doesn't break in half and can throw somewhat adequately, they can piece together a functional McOffense. Clayton is coming into his third year at wide out and could break out this year.

Weaknesses: Mason is no longer a great option at wide receiver, leaving McNair relying heavily on Heap and Clayton. McNair is old and will die, because as Frank the Tank taught us, thats what old people do. He won't play ten games.

Douchebag Factor: Ray Ray. I somehow got sucked into going to the Ravens Redskins scrimmage last year, think football starved in August and you can understand why. Sadly, the warmups were the most interesting part of the entire "game." During team stretches, it became clear to me that God watched out for the health of Ray Lewis' muscles personally during the game. So instead of stretching with the rest of the team, God's Linebacker had one coach throwing him 5 yard passes that he would practice catching one handed, alternating hands. Great drill Ray Ray, he was also wearing the number 1 for the scrimmage, I don't know if I hate him more for this display, or that he literally gets away with murder.

Best Off-Season Move: Hands down, McGahee. F you McGahee.

Cincinnati Bengals
Strengths: A healthy Carson Palmer will absolutely light up the league throwing to Ocho Cinco and Houshmandzadeh. Rudi Johnson will remain a consistant RB, except for when I start him on my fantasy team, he likes to take those weeks off.

Weaknesses: Defense. I guess maybe they are trying the whole intimidation thing of having a high profile arrest record and hoping that will scare opposing offenses? I'm not sure what else they have in the plans. Chris Henry is out for half the year after trying to help the defense with that particular strategy.

Douchebag Factor: A.J. Nicholson, Odell Thurman, Chris Henry, Quincy Wilson, Eric Steinbach, Matthias Askew, Frostee Rucker, Johnathan Joseph, Deltha O'Neal, Reggie McNeal. For the love of god, stop getting arrested. All idiots, except for Steinbach, because we all know boating while intoxicated is the statuatory rape of drinking crimes.

Best Off-Season move: Kenny Irons will be a solid backup for Rudi.

Cleveland Browns
Strengths: Kellen Winslow is a soldier, or so he tells us, and in this patriotic time I guess that makes him good. Braylon Edwards is set for a break out year, except that no one can throw him the ball. Good O-line, but they have Jamal Lewis running for them. Really not much going on here.

Weaknesses: Jamal Lewis is still riding the coat tails of the one 2000 yard season, he has had nothing to really brag about other then that. QB's are Frye or possibly Quinn? Fans are longing for the return of Bernie Kosar.

Douchebag Factor: Ahhhh, the photogenic man named Brady. Overrated Notre Dame trash Brady. I cannot wait for him to sign with the Browns, since I hate the browns. Tim Couch can't wait for you to sign, so that people forget his name as they curse yours and tell their friends they'll be right back, they have to go take a massive Quinn. I thought the homo pics on the web, and the fact that you want top 5 money when you were drafted 22nd would be enough for me to dislike you for years, then I heard at your first public Browns appearance, the cheapest autographed item you would give cost $150. That'll warm you up to the blue collar fans.

Best Off Season Move: Moving up to take Quinn...

Pittsburgh Steelers
Strengths: Fast Willie Parker is looking to prove he can carry the load another year, and has the tools to do it behind one of the best O-Lines in football. Hines Ward is a great blocking reciever and will be a number two this year only because of the emergence of Santonio Holmes. Miller with continue to be solid at TE, and Big Ben has zero head on collisions with automobiles so far this off season.

Weaknesses: No clue what kind of Roethlisberger will show up this year, and he still hasn't proven he can win for the team, only manage games. 23 ints is not managing games. New Defensive scheme when the 3-4 has worked for so long. Better work Tomlin or you'll be gone quickly.

Douchebag Factor: Roethlisberger. Don't ever do another fat head commercial. EVER. I still cry at night after seeing that.

Best Off Season Move: Losing Joey Porter. Porter's pit bulls killed a horse last off season, and with all of the news involving pit bulls, the steelers don't need him around anymore. That is the only reason I can think of that they let him go.

Predictions: Bengals 12-4 Steelers 10-6 Ravens 9-7 Browns 4-12

MAIL BAG!!!

2007-07-27T12:49:00.000-04:00

Wow, another month has steamrolled by and the summer is beginning to become a distant memory of bad decisions and loose women (notice, those two things aren't the same thing). As is custom every month around this time, we crank open all the letters and mail bombs from you, the fans. Let's open some shall we. The following are real (fake) letters with answers from the genius of BDNB....

Hey Fellas,

I've just started having sex with this girl and she keeps making me use a contraceptive. I really like her and I think that protection is important also, but it really makes the sex fucking suck. What should I do?

-Danny from Reading, PA

Hey there Dan,

We are all of the same mind set when it comes to something that you have to strap on your dick that's not a girls mouth. It ain't good. Let's breakdown this word 'contraceptive' and show you that while the media wants you to believe it's a good thing, the science of words says otherwise....

Con - meaning against, not good, obviously a bad thing

trace - this is what you do when you can't fucking draw. my six year old epileptic neice could trace. draw the shit regular bitch.

pti - used to be THE best sports show on television. now its rarely even on and when it is it's hosted by dan fucking lebetard because Tony decided to be howard cossell and Wilbon's a racist.

ve - got nothin here. it's the beginning of the word vegan, and vegan's suck? that's not very good, ah well you get the point....condom's are for cowards

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey BDNB,

I just got realized that I got pregnant and have no idea what to do. You guys have loose morals and shallow judgement so I figured you'd be the best people to ask. Also, the guy who's the father is a major douche bag and I only banged him to get back at my ex, but I'm also super religious or something. Advice!?!?!

Melanie from Albright, NH

Hey Melanie,

Looks like youre in a bit of a pickle, but you came to the right place. Having babies is great and all but you cannot do that if the guy is a douche bag since your kid will also be a giant douche bag. The last thing this world needs is more giant flaming douche bags that will one day take over and reign supreme over the world.

***Quick sidebar here. Do douchebags know that they're douchebags? They've got to right? It's so fucking obvious to everyone it must be obvious to them. And lemme ask you this, are they proud of the fact they're a douchebag? Do they call themselves douchebags while theyre sucking each other off? I have an acquaintance or two that are major douchebags so I think I'll ask them this weekend and report my findings on Monday.

So anyway, back to your looming pregnancy. Let's breakdown another word, this time one with a bad connotation, and show you how it's not such an awful thing. The word is 'abortion doctor'....

Ab - Who doesn't love a member of the opposite sex with rock hard abs. they're fantastic. nothing not to love here.

or - Gives a person two options, which is fantastic....example. do you want to throw bags of poo at oncoming traffic OR do you want to go to the hospital and pretend we're doctors to try and pick up hottie patients. it's a win win...

tiondo - my first dog's name was Tiondo and I loved that little fucker. he was a german shepard mixed with a handful of love. you could cuddle with him one minute and then make him attack the neighbors kid who had the power wheels jeep while i was stuck with one of those lame ass mini-bikes that i had to peddle myself and the fucking seat would always fall off and i'd start crying and then my dad would hit me. damn you kevin stone.

ct - a CT, for any of you who have never been to summer camp, is also known as a 'counselor in training'. this young lady is usually between 16 and 17 years of age and is working at camp not to make money, but to have the summer of her life, and maybe learn a few things about the male species along the way...of all the women i've had relations with (huge sluts, awful prudes, pregnant women, virgins, daddy's girls, 35 year old divorcees, 45 year old divorcees, nuns, nurses, pilgrims, lesbians, tranny's, hermaphrodites, lawyers, fatties, congresswomen, jesus lovers, dominatrixes, serial daters, serial killers, cereal lovers) the CT has always been the most veracious about giving her body up to the throne of man. simply amazing

or - you already know my feelings on the word or so i wont go into that again...so there you have it, these fine people of medicine arent all that bad when you really break it down and understand where they come from. the decision is yours...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Attn: Moderator of the site bdnbforlife.blogspot.com
Re: Delinquent Practices

Hello there gentlemen, my name is Micheal McMichealson from the Blog Administration Monitoring Association, otherwise known as BAMA. After reading through your exerpts I've come to the conclusion that you are a poison to the lifeblood of the internet. Al Gore did not have you in mind when he invented the great world wide web many years ago. You are discriminatory towards every walk of life, including your own, and should have your blogging rights revoked immediately. I will give you once chance to state your argument and then I will proceed with damning you to eternal hell.

-Mr. McMichealson d.b.

Thanks Mike,

You guys work hard over there at BAMA, and we here at BDNB respect that. We have love and admoration for all sources of authority in this damn fine country. But it's like my father told me, "The scariest people in the world are those with no brain and even the slightest bit of power". Now I understand what he meant. The only reason we write this blog is because our lives and jobs are boring and way beneath us. Also, our companies have cut off many of the major websites that we had grown accustomed to (youtube, al4a.com, sublimedirectory, truckersandhoes, drudgereport, pooandourloveforpoo.com, and many many more).

None of us are actually great writers either. Our vocab is poor, our grammer is unconscionable, the pictures are plagiarised, and our jokes are only funny if we are still drunk from the night before. And don't ban our blog from the internet, no one reads it anyway....Also, Al Gore is a huge pussy who doesnt care about the environment nearly enough as he cares about the $4.5 million that he got from simply narrating a film for two hours of which he did none of the work. I also heard he's a nazi.

GFY,

BDNB

Damn you Kevin Stone...

Letter to the Tabloids

2007-07-27T09:13:00.000-04:00

Don’t Hassel the Hoff: A Harrowing Tale of How One Hoffer’s Dream Turned into a Nightmare

Dear US Weekly,

I am writing to share a recent experience from an upscale Los Angeles hotspot. While visiting with friends this past Memorial Day weekend, I noticed that we were in the company of none other than actor David Hasselhoff. Having spent the better part of my childhood watching television, Baywatch had become like a surrogate family for me and Knight Rider was the talking car I never had. Needless to say, the chance to snag a pic with your boyhood idol doesn't present itself too often, so I knew I had to act fast — Carpe diem!

I made my way across the VIP section to tell DH how he has always been my true american idol; and that, I too, wept tears of joy as Taylor Hicks was crowned the winner of season five. Along the way, I recalled some of my favorite Hoff related memories, like the time at the pool when I was saved by a lifeguard — named Mitch no less — or the time my Uncle Dwayne accidentally drank turpentine and drove into the gymnasium of my elementary school because “the car was talking to him” (Uncle Dwayne may have been the world’s biggest Knight Rider fan). You can imagine my surprise, nay my disappointment, when the Hoff told me point blank: “no pictures!”

At first I thought he might be taping an episode of Baywatch Nights, especially since he appeared to be giving full mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a woman who looked like she had just drowned. I soon recalled, however, that Baywatch Nights was cancelled in 1997, and the only “buoys” on the Hoff's mind had nothing to do with nautical navigation. I was pretty disenchanted to find out that he is only welcoming to his aging, homely female fans, and wearing sunglasses at 2am. As if all of this wasn’t enough, later that same night my friend’s attempt to discuss his favorite music album, “David Hasselhoff Sings America,” was met by equally icy reception as DH told him “don’t bother me!”

Standing there with my drink in one hand, a Jagermeister shot for Dave in the other, I felt about as small as one person could. As gripping an actor/singer as DH may be, his personality was certainly lacking that patina of goldenness he so traditionally lends his work. I guess it’s only fitting that it was Memorial Day, because as I finished off my can of red & white, I sure felt blue.

Love to all,

Silver M.
Washington DC

Top 5 Thursday: Celebrities You'd Like to Kick the Shit Out Of!

2007-07-26T13:20:00.000-04:00

It’s top 5 Thursday, and I apologize for missing this list last week. Today I touch on a topic that everyone should be able to participate in and it’s very similar to our “Celebrity DB Post” back in May, but it’s a topic that must be revisited in Top 5 Thursday, so here it is, Top 5 Celebrities you’d like to just kick the ever living shit out of, and then possibly defecate on their mangled bloody face. The rules are: Anybody that appears on a T.V. or Movie screen are fare game, but NO fictional characters, if we were doing that I could guarantee you that Harry Potter and his gang of flunkies would have some magic broom sticks shoved up their ass. I also will allow groups of people to get a beat down, an example could be to kick the shit out of all the New Kids on the Block or all the Wiggles (if you have younger cousins you know what Im talking about, these guys are fucking freaks). So be creative and have some fun, Im looking forward to seeing some responses.

Black Eyed Peas: Ok, I hate these fucking losers. The music they make is straight garbage and everyone in the group dresses “funky” (which really means weird as shit to draw attention away from their hideous faces). All their songs and videos are annoying as shit, and I almost hate the NBA simply for playing that dumb ass “Lets Get Retarded” which the NBA changed to “Lets Get It Started” to be more PC, I mean come on, make me vomit. I also hate that this group won a Grammy for “Best Rap Album”, come on now, everyone knows these guys are whiter than eminem and I don’t remember hearing a single rap in any song they ever did. Lastly, Fergie is the main source of my ire, yes she has a good body, but her face is fucking disgusting. She is a combination of Carrot Top, the Grinch, and a dirty Mexican. And I can also guarantee you that she smells or has a weird body odor that wreaks ass in the morning (Ron you know what Im talking about). So fuck you black eye peas, and since there are 4 of you and 1 of me, when we get in the ring I get to have a base ball bat. Hey, Fergie!……..Batter Up!

Joe Buck/Chris Collinsworth (Fox on NFC A team): If you look up the word DB in the dictionary you get a picture of these two tumbling dick weeds. Joe Buck is a fucking moron, I always disliked him, but his commentary on the Randy Moss FAKE mooning the crowd, put me over the top. He is constantly judgmental and he just seems like as soon as the camera goes off his face he shoves his microphone right up his poop shoot. Now on to Collinsworth……this guy HATES the Redskins, therefore I hate him. Every time he gets a chance he makes fun of Danny Snyder or even Saint Joe Gibbs. It’s actually insane if he gets a redskins game listen to what he says. He actually said “YES” one time in the booth after the skins got scored on. You know what you long neck freak, when you’re old all that extra skin on your neck is going to shrivel up and look like a beat up wrinkled vagina, so who’ll be laughing then. I hate you two fucks, you make me hate Fox (although Fox does a pretty good job of doing that on their own), and if you ever get a skins game, I turn the T.V. on mute and listen to Sonny and Sam get wasted and call Carlos Rogers Darrell Green by mistake all game.

Andy Dick: This guy is the least talented most obnoxious person on the planet. I’ve never once seen him do ANYTHING funny, even in Old School he had a good part, but overacted the whole time and made me want to reach through the screen and kick him in the vagina. Every time he’s around he just makes people uncomfortable because you ALMOST feel bad for how pathetic he is, and then you remember how much he sucks and you change the channel. I’ve always hated him, but I recently read a story about Jon Lovitz(used to hate him, now love him) beating the shit out of Andy Dick a couple of weeks ago because Andy Dick supplied Phil Hartmans wife with some cocaine after she had been clean for many years. One month after Dick gave her some blow, she went crazy and shot Phil Hartman. Now I can’t blame it all on Dick, but this goes to show you what type of piece of shit this guy is. He is the scum of the earth and has absolutely NO talent. I would love to curb this motherfucker any day of the week.

Clay Aiken (anybody ever involved with American Idol): Ok, Clay Aiken is DB #1, but come on the list could go on for days Sanjiya, Taylor Hicks, Justin Guareanie what a bunch of tools. And don’t even get me started on the judges, fucking Randy DAWG Jackson you were a replacement drummer for Journey in the late 80’s (when journey sucked). Basically Clay Aiken is the gayest of the gay and I just don’t get how he hasn’t come out of the closet (I have nothing wrong with gay people at all this guy is just a tool regardless, and yes I use the word gay a lot), so if he wants to stay in that closet I’ll break every limb in his body and just toss him in the back of his closet like Ron does with my shirts. Everything about this show sucks, and I’d like to just blow up the whole studio while they’re filming one day. It is manufactured bull shit music and because it’s ratings are soo good no other network trys to compete with it. So on Tuesday and Wednesday nights (how the fuck do they get TWO nights?) there is nothing on but this garbage. But I digress; I mainly just want to beat the shit out of Clay Aiken because I think I could tie both hands behind my back and still work him out. Fuck you American Idol!

Ray Romano: Let me start by saying Everybody DOES NOT love Raymond (except for booster). This show is the worst show I’ve ever seen on TV. Imagine this, put two obnoxious old people, a dysfunctional married couple, their 3 ugly kids, and a mentally retarded 40 year old degenerate jobless brother and then place all these people someplace in New Jersey. (Isn’t that every house in NJ?) What a bunch of crap, which is why nobody wants to be in NJ because that is a typical family there. And this Raymond guy, talk about an ego………he thinks he is the man, but have you seen him in anything since his crappy show went off of TV??? Hell no, because he’s a no talent ass clown. Raymond you my friend are the biggest dip shit in the world, and your fucking New Jersey accent and poor comedic timing make me want to cringe every time I even see the words “everybody loves Raymond” in TV guide. I continue to send letters to TBS on a daily basis to tell them to remove this garbage from TV. I hate you Ray Romano and I’d love nothing more than to pull for your fucking tongue out your mouth and stab that shit with a rusty screw driver BLEAA……..Or just sew your ass hole shut and keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you………….

Honorable Mention: Gilbert Godfry, Dustin Diamond, Seth Green, The lady that lives across the street, the lady that lives across the street’s dog, Oprah, Louis Anderson, Bill O’Reilly

Print, Take to the bathroom stall, Jerk, Repeat

2007-07-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

Kudo's to our man Josh "My butt your face Breen" who has hooked us with nudie pics of the one that got away, Marissa Miller. I've posted it as a link right here so you wont get fired, on our behalf at least. Enjoy bitches...

NFL PreDICKtions '07..........NFC South

2007-07-25T14:14:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here’s the deal. Ron and I decided to split the AFC and NFC and I luckily got the better conference (disregard the last 6 years). Our idea was to both write up our reviews of the NFC and AFC south and then compare what we had done and try to combine the two so that there is uniformity. Well in a moment you will see we both had drastically different ideas of what a “NFL Preview” should be, Ron chose to make his the “US” weekly football preview, while I chose to make up stories and impose some political rhetoric, they are both beautiful in their own right and both are sure to make you laugh, soo enjoy!

Carolina Panthers
After a disappointing ‘06 season where the Panthers had been projected to go deep in the playoffs, the Panthers rebound in ’07. In week four Jake Delhome throws his 4th interception of the first half which causes Steve Smith to bitch slap him on the sideline. At halftime the switch is made and David Carr comes out hot and leads Carolina to a strong finish winning 9 of their last 12.
Projected Record: (11-5) NFC South Champions
Strengths: Steve Smith, Julius Peppers, David Carr, Panthers are bad ass animals, I love UNC!
Weaknesses: Jake Delhome, Nobody besides Steve Smith can score, Neon Electric Blue should never appear on a football uniform, Charlotte is a fake made up city that sucks ass and is basically the same as Reston Town Center, VA.
X-Factor (I don’t know why I decided to call this x-factor, but just go with it): Many Carolina Panthers, especially Julius Peppers, are known steroid users. During this seasons home game against Tampa Bay, Peppers goes on a roid rage leading him to rip Chris Simms spleen straight out of his body, he then takes a bite out of it and throws it at Jon Gruden. This tragedy forces the NFL to test the entire Panther roster which results in every member of the team being suspended for four games except Steve Smith. During those four weeks Steve Smith goes 2-2 by himself.

New Orleans Saints
Last year this team over achieved and this year they will fall back to reality. Drew Brees epitomizes class and Reggie Bush is the fucking man. Colston looks to hit a sophomore slump and the defense just straight sucks. Remember the NFC championship game, Im pretty sure Rex Grossman threw 1 touchdown and NO interceptions on this unit, need I say more?
Record: (9-7) Wildcard? Maybe.
Strengths: Reggie Bush, Drew Brees, Sean Payton, the love and adoration of America, girls show their tits in this city for a crappy beaded necklace 24/7 (gotta be the best strength in the entire NFL)
Weaknesses: Tough Schedule, Won’t surprise anybody, Defense, Crackheads may still be hiding in the superdome, “George Bush Hates Black People” (Thanks Kanye)
X-Factor: In week 17 when New Orleans rematches Chicago, Urlacher will be like a Bad Newz Kennelz dog that just got off a rape stand. (Remember Mr. Bush’s taunt in the NFC championship game). Well it’s pay back time and Urlacher knocks Bush unconscious mid way through the first quarter. As they are carting Bush off the field, Tank Johnson jumps out of the stands, shoots Bush in the knee and then drives away and gets a DUI.

Atlanta Falcons
I thought this team was one year and three REAL receivers away from a superbowl run, but apparently in this country you are now guilty until proven innocent. Vick is an idiot, but isn’t this America? Im sorry Bobby Petrino good luck with this season!
Record: (5-11)
Strengths: Petrino, D. Hall (something stupid he’s done will surface by the end of the year), W. Dunn (just a stand up guy), Jamal Anderson (defensive rookie of the year)
Weaknesses: Federal Indictments, Strict Dog Fighting laws, Weed, DMX, Roger Goodell’s Fourth Reich
X-Factor: Ok Fuck football, you won’t hear anything related to football and Atlanta all year, so here goes my rant on the Vick situation…………….First, I hate PETA. These fucking people are the real lunatics. Don’t these people have jobs? Get a life, a job and then go eat a steak and watch a cock fight you fucking pussies. I love Vick, and really can’t excuse his actions IF convicted. But this case is soooo blown out of proportion and perspective, IF he is convicted he deserves what’s coming, but for now why don’t we focus on the HUMANS that die everyday because our health care system is in shambles, or what about that war in Iraq right now?……….Last I checked aren’t we “training” “humans” “to kill each other” every day? Sound Familiar? Think about it…………Go, W!
-Sorry about the rant, there are holes in my point of view, but I dare you to step in the ring and argue with me about anything I just stated, and if you don’t agree I hope I provoked some thought or at least made you want to go grab a steak and watch a cock fight.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ok, I’ve got two words for you Buc fans “Urban Meyer.” Gruden will be canned after a 1-8 start. This team is aging and totally sucks my left nut. (So glad the Skins get to play them again this year) It’s never a good omen when your team has 4 quarterbacks, and they all suck.
Record: (2-14)
Strengths: Pirates are cool, Cadillac is a cool name for a running back
Weaknesses: Jeff Garcia, Bruce Gradkowski, Jake Plummer, Chris Simms, Pirate Ships in the stadium=NOT cool, Tampa Bay should be home to a NASCAAR event not a NFL franchise
X-Factor: After Gruden is fired attendance drops as the team sucks. In and attempt to boost attendance Glazer (whom owns Manchester United) flys heart throb Cristiano Ronaldo over to boost attendance. ( a la Beckham) While Cristiano is in the tunnel waiting to walk out on the field Jeff Garcia puts a bag over his head and violates Cristiano’s brown eye ( I guess Garcia does quack like a duck T.O.). In a last ditch effort Glazer resorts to putting a live feed in the womans bathroom which catches erotic sex rumps by the visiting teams cheerleaders and plays it on the jumbo tron……… 2008 Hello L.A. Bucs!!! At least you have the whole pirate thing down.

NFL '07 PreDICKtions....AFC SOUTH

2007-07-24T17:43:00.000-04:00

The NFL season is quickly approaching and for fuck-sake we're excited. Besides rim-jobs it's the only thing that can get me off recently. So, we've decided to get you as pumped as we are by previewing each division in the league, and completely leaving our personal feelings out of the commentary.* We have ranked each team in each division based on what we feel is most important, not only in football but in life, and predicted the winners based on those judgements.

*The starry symbol thing means I'm fucking lying to you

So, control your urges, and read away. The first one we'll start with is the AFC South, for no reason whatsofuckingever. Also, because we wanna keep the ladies interested in the blog I've thrown in some celeb gossip throughout these previews that will be written in italics (this is italics for all you dumb bitches out there).

AFC SOUTH

Arrest History:

1) Titans - The only entities in the world that could compete with PacMan alone would be the Bengals and the NBA. And possibly Lindsay Lohan.
2) Jaguars - Maurice Jones-Drew has to have been arrested by now. And this isn't a race issue either cause I feel the same way about Matt Jones.
3) Texans - So last night on Age of Love, the new Bachelor type show where Mark 'Dreamboat' Phillipousos has to choose between a 20-something or 40-something girl, there was some serious drama. For some reason he chose to believe Amanda (25) when she told him that Jayanna (41) was talkin mad shit, even though that Amanda bitch has been conniving him from the start, and Jayanna is completely innocent. Sure, Jayanna will look like my grandmother in four years, but Amanda will always be a cunt. There, I said it.
4) Colts - Unassuming non-threatening black coach, All-American bright eyed super guy Quarterback, dorky and possibly gay Wide Receiver, and located in a city right in the middle of the goddam bible belt. They might as well be called the Indianapolis Jesus's.

Badassness of the City -

1) Titans - Holy crap these cities all really suck. No way I just gave number one to Nashville. And the only reason I'm doing that is because I think the Holy Grail may be hidden inside Carrie Underwoods pussy.
2) Texans (I guess?) - I've never been to Houston but I hear that it smells like Jersey. Only reason it beats Jax is the badass Enron guys that robbed America for their own personal greed. I would have done the same thing.
3) Jacksonville - I think the people there are described as Upper White Trash. No thanks...I mean, seriously, do you recall the one episode of the Simple Life when they stayed with that family in Jacksonville that had cult posters everywhere, and Paris was pretty sure she saw the brother and the sister making out in the shower. That's not hot.
4) Colts - Way too fucking close to Bloomington, IN. Bloomington sucks.

Helmet Logo:

1) Colts - All the other teams in this division have gay new helmets and they all stink of shit. Although Indy did steal the team, players, colors, and uniforms from the great city of Baltimore so this is not an easy decision.
2-4) The other three. They're all such god-awful helmets I can't give props to anyone in particular. It's like when Mariah Carey wore that Versace dress to last years Grammy's and EVERYONE was in shock because it did not flatter her better attributes but for some reason made her hips look like she was actually giving birth at that exact moment.
Therefore based on the above rankings I've put the calculations into a formulaic equation and devised the official winner of the AFC South for the '07 season to be -----

The Tennessee Titans! Yay Kenny Chesney!!!

Doo Doo Brown Part II: Doo Doo Brown Eyed Girl

2007-07-23T15:25:00.000-04:00

Hey where did she go,
Days when the runs came
Down in the hollow,
Making a new stain,
Drankin' and a runnin' hey, hey
Stankin' and a cruddin'
In the shitsy evening smog with
Your ass a churnin' and you
My doo doo brown eyed girl,
You my doo doo brown eyed girl.

Whatever happened
To doo doo and her logs
Flushin' down the old john
With a plunger to unclog
Sittin' in the head just laughing,
Hiding behind the captain's wall,
Shittin' and hiding
All along the bathroom stall, with you
My doo doo brown eyed girl,
You my doo doo brown eyed girl.

Do you remember when you used to stank,
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da

So hard to push your way,
Down into the commode.
I saw your shits the other day,
My how they have grown,

Cast your memory back there now
Sometime I'm overcome thinking 'bout
Making doo doo browns in the green grass
Behind the port-o-john with you
My doo doo brown eyed girl
You my doo doo brown eyed girl

Doo doo remembers when she used to stank
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da.

2007-07-23T11:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Someone is trying to kill me. Or, at the very least, someone is trying to kill someone at 2610. Saturday morning I awoke in a daze and stumbled into the bathroom. Normally I would sit in front of the mirror and flex as I wash my hands, but this time I noticed a strange smell in the air. It was gas and it was everywhere. I ran downstairs, shut off the gas, and flung open the windows. My quick reactions were thanks to lots of practice, as this was the FOURTH FUCKING TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED! WHO THE FUCK KEEPS LEAVING THE GAS ON?!? THAT”S FOUR TIMES IN TWO YEARS! Fucking ridiculous. BTW, this message goes out to everyone, not just 2610 residents, because I know the late-night crowd likes to cook. (This means you JD, aka Snack-a-saurus Rex)

So now that I’ve drafted my last will and testament I’ve thought about who might want to blow us up. Here’s a list of suspects.

#1 Ex-girlfriends: Between Pettey, Bray, and Wes there are enough hysterical women out there to fill St. Elizabeth’s. I’d put myself here too but I’ve only dated one crazy broad and she was all Looney Toons before I met her.

#2 Jim: He was sleeping on the couch on the night in question. Jim is so seriously depressed that I would not put it past him to off himself and everyone around him.

#3 The IRA: We pissed off a lot of Irish people this year and they’ve shown a knack for blowing things up in the past.

#4 The neighbors: We only cut our grass when it’s two feet tall, the hedges are usually overgrown, there was a recliner in our front yard for a month, there’s empty keg shells all over the property, there’s usually eight cars in front of the house, etc., etc., etc…

#5 The cab driver that I body-slammed in front of our house last year: He wasn’t too happy when I slammed his door shut and he was even less amused when I tossed him around like a bitch.

I know we have many more enemies so please add what you can so I can give the police a comprehensive list.

Ranking the District Celebrities...

2007-07-19T08:15:00.000-04:00

Wandering around D.C. can be a torrid blessing of the most enamoured sites in the entire world. From breathtaking monuments to cataclysmic museums, it's no wonder D.C.'s tourism industry is all hot and bothered. But for those of us that live here, there are other sites we are concerned with in the nations capital, and that would be, D.C. Celebrities. Not quite as glamourous as L.A., New York, or Richmond, but D.C. can hold its own by having some of the most powerful celebs in the world. So here is a reference for when you are out with pals and want to know exactly how big of a celeb you just saw.

A-List:

Anthony Williams - A regular in the D.C. social world, and here at BDNB one of our favorite people of all-time. Single handidly brought baseball back to the capital while the whole time saying "fuck you motherfuckers" to anyone that got in his way.

Gilbert Arenas - The only local athlete to grace the A-List, Agent Zero has put D.C. and the Wizards back on the map with his jaw-dropping three's and retarded ass comments. Seriously though, something might be wrong w/ him.

Barack Obama - The guy is the first legitimate brotha (Jesse Jackson's racist ass does not count) to run for president, and we are all behind him. Especially Scummy, who wishes he was behind him if you know what I mean.

Bill Clinton - My personal idol, and the only reason Hillary has a chance to even run for president. This man is a God. And JB got his picture w/ him...motherfucker.

B-List:

Dubya - I think if I saw the prez out somewhere I would care less. Although he does give us....

Dubya's daughters - Three years ago when they were in their partying prime they woulda been A-List, now they've settled themselves down and gotten lame. I think I may have hooked up with the ugly one at a St. Patricks party in '03, but it could have also been a random fat hurchting.

Riggins - One of the greatest Redskins ever to grace the confines of RFK, and now a radio pundit that is a mix of Howard Stern and Howard the Duck.

Tony K and Wilbon - Wilbon hates white people and Tony K is the whitest person alive. I have no idea how these guys work together.

C-List:

Sports Junkies - Would be much cooler if they didn't have kids and wives. If you're gonna do an off the cuff radio show, you gotta be able to talk about banging strippers and taking ecstacy with high school girls.

Any Wizard, Nat, or Skin - Mostly can be seen at clubs, usually at 3am the night before the biggest game of the year. The majority of these guys pretty much suck to run into if you don't have a vagina because they will big-time the fuck outta ya. Except Ledell Betts who after taking 12 shots with us at the waterfront put me in his wedding.

Random Senator - Only C-List because besides three or four of them you would never know the guy (have we let chicks become Senators yet? I'm pretty sure we haven't) was one of the most powerful people in the world. This is of course, when they're not busy killing off their mistresses.

Brent the goalie (BUB) - Half man, half animal. That's right he's a manimal. Cool on the ice and even cooler off, the man can straight dance. I haven't seen a game of his yet but it's amazing that he does so well in goal when everyone says he has a small stick.

Please feel free to add your own...

Woman Advice Wednesday: Types of Women at Weddings

2007-07-18T16:00:00.000-04:00

Its that crazy day of the week again, when I attempt to mesmerize all of you with my Wordly knowledge of ladies. I was searching for a topic this week and then I began to look at some wedding pictures from earlier this summer and it hit me. We need a BDNB guide to types of woman at weddings. So with Wedding season in full swing and somebody getting engaged every other week, I now present you a must read guide of types of woman at weddings.

Underage Drinker: Ok, this one is somebody’s cousin that is 16 years old, may still have braces on and is definitely from that one “redneck” family at the wedding. Well, most likely uncle Gordon (sporting the Sipowitz look) has been feeding her Rum & Cokes all evening long and now she’s on the dance floor freaking grandma.
What NOT to do: Go over and begin freaking her from behind, then take her by the hand and visibly lead her to the coat room (you will totally be getting kicked out of the wedding if this is your move)
What TO do: Find that one nerdy kid that is also 16 and is sitting in the corner. Go grab him, make him chug your V & T and tell him that that girl on the dance floor was asking about him. Next thing you know you’ve got two 16 year old drunks making out on the dance floor and you’ve just provided entertainment for everyone around. (disclaimer: make sure to check with the nerdy kid to confirm he and the drunk girl aren’t related)

Cougar: This one is by far the easiest to spot because she is dressed like a total whore and has eye fucked every guy in the room, including the groom. Nobody knows who she is related to, and could honestly be a wedding crasher of the female kind.
What NOT to do: Go up to her, hand her a drink, point at a hot 21 year old and ask her if she minds if you dance with her daughter.
What TO do: Eye fuck her for a while, maybe even do a little clawing motion with one of your hands to make sure she knows you appreciate the cougar in her. Once you can see the wet stain at the crotch of her dress (face it you dressed your A game and you’re a fucking stud, who wouldn’t be wet looking at you) walk on over. Don’t ask for her name, don’t say a word. Take her by the hand and lead her directly to the first semi secluded area you can find. She’ll take care of the rest, but don’t be mad at me when she literally rips your clothes off.

Hottest Girl at the Wedding: This one is complicated, she is by far the hottest girl at the wedding but is in a relationship (most really hot girls are). Her DB boyfriend is at his frat brothers wedding in the Hamptons. Pay attention, this one involves some time.
What NOT to do: Request Right Said Fred “Im to Sexy” point to her and act each part of the song out, making sure to never stop staring at her, even when you “Do your little turn on the catwalk”, then proceed to remove your shirt and poor beer all over yourself.
What TO do: Put on your dancing shoes and time to be “that guy”, dance with everyone and act like you’re having the best time in the world, hell you’re more the life of the party than that fucking bridezilla that’s crying because Uncle so and so just spilled scotch on her Vera Wang Wedding dress. When ever you get the chance make sure to dance with her, (but not creepy, leave room for the holy ghost). Every time her hand is empty go get her a drink, and every time she leaves the dance floor you leave also and make any small talk you can. Final move is the key here, when you are boarding the shuttle bus to go back to the hotel make sure you are in line next to her, she should be waisted also. While on the ride home the plan is to get her to pass out on your shoulder and when you get to the hotel your job is to get her “safely” to her room. Once in the room the rest is up to you my friend, if she’s really drunk get the name of her boyfriend and tell her that you are “insert DB name here”. After you’ve taken down the hottest girl at the wedding and all your friends are calling you the man, remember to thank ol Scummy!

Girl you wouldn’t usually hook up with, but it’s a wedding girl: This girl is usually on the heavy side, not much personality, but boy does she drink a shit ton of booze and freaks anything on the dance floor, including the DJ. But hey it’s a wedding and love is in the air, plus you have a raging boner because you’ve been staring at the hot girl all night long.
What NOT to do: Start up a conversation, tell her you think she’s really groovy and then take her home and bang her and brag about it the next morning.
What TO do: Act like she doesn’t exist accept for when you’re on the dance floor and you’re mid pelvic thrust during “Billy Jean”, give her a little wink and then moon walk your ass right up to her. Tilt your head and flash your blood shot half shut eyes and say “lets get outta here” head directly for the bathroom (mens) make your friend in the stall snorting Ritalin leave and take her into the stall. DO NOT TOUCH HER, pull down your pants and and place her hand on your balls and demand a Hand Job (that’s right Ron and I are bringing Hand Jobs back). Once she’s done, walk out of the bathroom and act like you don’t remember anything that just happened.

Single Bridesmaid: This is the “go-to” everytime you’re at a wedding. Bridesmaids are like a trophy, and all of them secretly want to get worked out that night no matter what. Girls like being looked at, and when they wear that dress they know they attract attention. Also most bridesmaids are pretty hot, I mean when you get married are you going to let an ugly girl in your wedding?
What NOT to do: Decide to get black out drunk during the cocktail hour, then proceed to eat a chicken breast and salad with your hands at a table with multiple “adults” (nobody I hang out with acts like an adult these were real adults), then get really creepy on the dance floor and at the late night go up to the bridesmaid, tell her you love her, get down on one knee and propose to her with a bottle of cheap champagne. ( you also don’t know her name) Then when she laughs and acts like its a joke you take it seriously and follow her around the rest of the night, until she loses you in the hallway to her room and you get returned to your room by hotel security and you only have one shoe on. (Sound Familiar Ron?)
What TO do: Introduce yourself and put out the vibe, but then let it go. Don’t come on too strong. When you’re other buddies try to mack it give one of them a joint, and the other a Ritalin they’ll shoot themselves in the foot after that. Dance with her A LOT, and make sure you pull a slow song (do not get a hard on). Before you get on the shuttle bus grab a bottle of wine for the ride back and give her your blazer (this is like marking your territory, once the blazer is on, all other guys back off). Party briefly at the after party, but don’t be one of the last men standing. Coyly tell her you’re tired and you’d really like to go back to your room for a night cap. The minute you get back to your room you throw her against the door and make out, then carry her to the bed and you should know what to do then. At the breakfast the next morning you’ll be in the best mood, not only because you tagged a brides maid and she still has after glow but because you woke up and fucked her again too.

Happy Wedding Season Everyone!

When Pacman Was Drunk

2007-07-18T14:23:00.000-04:00

This week marks the 2 year anniversary of Adam Jones' first arrest. Since being drafted in 2005, Pacman has been arrested a remarkable 5 more times for felony charges ranging from public intoxication to smacking bitches up. I love him and his silver grillz. To celebrate - the Ode to Pacman (sung to the tune of the Killer's "When You Were Young").

You sit there in your escalade
Waiting on some beautiful girls to
Dance so you can make it rain
You play Fat Joe
Watch it now ... dance now hoes

She doesn't look a thing like Keesha
But she moves like a prostitute
Like you imagined when you were drunk

Can we climb this stage
Man I’m stoned
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it rain on these hoes
I’ve got a trash bag …
Full of ones, dance some mo’

We done broke our bottle of cristal
On the back of some bamma that started moufin’
When we was drunk
Man I’m crunk

And sometimes I open my grillz
and end up goin back to jail
Cause we was drunk

They say Nash Vegas' water, it aint so sweet
But my crew needs a drink right now
Let's get the fuck up outta Minxx
But first take some ones from the ground

You sit there in your escalade
Waiting on some beautiful girls to
Dance so you can make it rain
You play Lil Wayne
Watch it now ... sit on my face

She doesn't look a thing like Keesha
But she moves like a prostitute
Like you imagined when you were drunk
Moves like a prostitute; change out this benji
When you were crunnnnnnnnk

I said she doesn't look a thing like Keesha
She don't have a fat ass like Moesha
But more rock than you'll ever blow

Vacation Destination Illiterations

2007-07-18T09:13:00.000-04:00

The summer is at the mid-way point and people are scrounging around for that last great vacation idea that will really end the summer with a bang. You've already been to the Outerbanks (too lame), Vegas (too hot), Charleston (too gay), Hamptons (too Jewish) and are really looking for a new interesting perspective of the American heritage that has been stowed upon you since day one. So what are your options? Let me share a few vay-cay's I've taken in my brief stint here on earth that have given me a new found adornment for these United States.

Lancaster, PA - Home of the Amish. These people are freakin whack, but apparently the real young daughters are kinda naive and will definitely put out. Especially if youre a good bowler.

Orlando, FL - Home of the Mouse. I was 10 the first time my father took me there and I'll never forget taking a picture with Chewbacca and deliberately chewing piece after piece of Bubblicious gum and sticking it in his fur. It took about 23 pieces until Chewy realized what was going on and then the pussy called security on me. Security? Youre fucking Chewbacca, at least call Han Solo or Billy Dee Williams. Anyway, I ended up going to the security fortress which isn't quite as delightful as Treasure Island, and my dad had to pay for Chewy's dry cleaning bill. I might still "legally" be allowed down there, but I haven't given it a shot yet.

Jackson Hole, WY - That's actually a joke, don't ever go there.

Some Town, NH - Home of the Queers. New Hampshire is the gerbil's teet, but don't take my word for it, head up there on your own accord. My only issue is that I love a place with crime and they don't have any. Maybe I'm alone here but being alone in D.C. at 3am on a Monday night just gives me a rush like you can't believe, especially when I'm 14 gin's deep, carrying $450 on me, and a sign that reads, "Welfare is for Pussies".

Aberdeen, MD - Home of Billy Ripken. Mid-June, 2003. Gringo and I were heading back from our old summer camp where we were attempting to coerce 15 year old girls to sleep with us cause we're just out of college. Went well actually. On the way home our car breaks down and we're stuck in Aberdeen for the evening (that would be the work of the statutory karma gods). Needless to say, the town is simply full of delight. Between the 350 square foot museum to Cal Ripken that features two jerseys he never actually wore and Brady Anderson as the ticket taker, I've never been so enthralled. There's also a bar called Stan's Pub that's owned by this guy Gus who stares at you creepily until you buy a beer or follow him into the cellar for "the tour". I picked the latter since they didn't have Bud Light.

Colonial Williamsburg, VA - Home of the Weirdo's. Going to Williamsburg is a unique opportunity that is extremely rich in history and decadence. It's cool to see where George Washington lived, and where all the rich guys kept and beat their slaves, but most of all it's just a great place to sit and relax and watch people dress like fucking idiots. They talk in funny accents and dance around the square acting like the brash citizens of a bureaucracy that has somehow withstood 250 years of ignorance. And then you go ride a badass rollercoaster. Fucking America.

Tribute to Sean Astin

2007-07-13T13:58:00.000-04:00

Thank you Sean Astin, for playing Rudy, a movie character that can make me cry like a baby three times in 90 minutes even if I was watching it with my father, Steve McQueen, and William Wallace...

Thank you Sean Astin, for being five foot nothin, a hundred and nothin, and not havin a speck of athletic ability. Yet you still became the most popular kid at your school with the help of Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore...

Thank you Sean Astin, who bears a striking resembelence to Scummy, and gives him hope that one day he can bag a chick this hot...

Thank you Sean Astin, for after making Goonies you made it cool to have asthma. Personally I never had asthma but I used to beat the shit outta kids in my school that did. I stopped this merciful act after you found one-eyed Willy's gold.

Thank you Sean Astin, who went to elementary school with Paris Hilton and therefore probably lost your virginity at an extremely young age.

Thank you Sean Astin, I was actually beginning to like the Lord of the Rings movie until your lame-ass douche bag of a character came into the picture, and I walked out. Thank god, cause I really didn't wanna like it.

Thank you Sean Astin, for not making a sequel to Rudy where you try out for the now defunct Houston Oilers, and end up befriending Earl Cambell while Warren Moon bangs your wife.

Thank you Sean Astin, for being in a movie with my idol, Corey Feldman, whom I ran into at the Whole Foods in Gaithersburg and had the following exchange:

me: You're Corey Feldman!

Corey Feldman: Hey there kiddo...(i was 24 at this point in my life and thought the kiddo greeting was a bit odd)

me: You're my favorite actor, I watch Growing Pains every freakin day.

Corey Feldman: I wasn't in Growing Pains dude...

me: Who am I thinkin of?

Corey Feldman: Probably Kirk Cameron, who incidentaly looks nothing like me...

me: Ohhhh yea, Kirk Cameron. He is one funny motherfucker. Whoa, Corey, don't buy the whole grain crackers, they're way too high in sodium. Even though it says low sodium it's a complete fabrication. If you really like hummus I would suggest eating it with a spoon, it's the healthiest option.

Corey Feldman: Can you please go away, I'm in a rush.

me: Do you still hang out with Corey Haim, you guys were fucking butt-buddies back in the dizzay

Corey Feldman: We had a falling out after he fucked my fiance and then I drove his porsche into a lake in the San Fernando valley.

me: Shit man, can you sign my organic soy milk carton...

Corey Feldman: Go fuck yourself...

Thank you Sean Astin, for everything...

New Diet Pills increases chances of Doo Doo Browns

2007-07-13T12:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, so there is this new diet pill out, which is over the counter and very cutting edge and it’s called “Alli”. I don’t know all the science behind this pill, but apparently it has some pretty serious side effects. If you consume more than 15 grams’ of fat in one meal, the extra fat forms a “oily discharge” that comes out your ass. In this article they refer to that as an “Alli Oops”. Please take a minute to read this article before you read any further.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19587389/

I decided to do some investigative reporting on this case and personally contacted the company. I asked if I could get some copies of formal published complaints of Alli users under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), god I love America. They reluctantly turned over a slew of hilarious encounters, below I have listed a few of the really juicy ones (pun intended)

Jill 28, Des Moines, Iowa

Well I was standing in line at the grocery store reading the national enquirer and I decided to have Snickers while I waited in line. I had totally forgotten about my new diet pill. I was about half way through the candy bar when I started hearing the sound of water splattering on the ground and I could feel the splashes on my feet. I looked down and I had shit all over the ground in line. Unfortunately I was wearing a skirt, and the man behind me threw up all over my grocery’s, I ran out of the store crying, and ended up shitting myself again in the car on my way home.

Lindsey 24, Washington D.C.

Well I went home with this really hot guy one night (lets call him Uncle Bud), I guess late night we must’ve eaten some greasy food I think maybe pizza. The next morning I woke up with his arms around me while he was spooning me. It was a lovely morning, but it was kind of moist around my butt. I turned over and looked under the sheets (he wasn’t wearing any clothes) and I had shit all over his crotch and the sheets, and had left about a 6 inch doodoo brown on his stomach. I was mortified. I quickly got up while he was still asleep, erased my number and name out of his phone and got the hell out of there.

Rhonda 17, Compton, California

Im a track star for my H.S. so staying at a low weight is very important to me. We had our regional finals this past week and I run in pretty much every race, but the 100 meter is my best race. Before the race I must’ve eaten something over 15 g’s of fat, but to this day I still don’t know what it is. When I bent over into the blocks my stomach turned over into knots and it felt like death, when the gun went off I exploded out of my stance. At that exact moment I lost total control of my bowels and could feel shit just exploding out of my ass and was slipping out of my spandex and rolling down my leg. As I churned my legs faster and faster the shit started flying off of them and onto my competition behind me. When I won the race I turned around and half the racers was covered in my own feces and vomiting on the track. I was later DQ’d for “using a substance to distract my opponents,” Thanks a lot Alli.

Debbie 26, Washington D.C.

I was out at my favorite club Chloe one night and I was dancing around having a great time. Well apparently sushi and soy sauce has more fat than I thought, because I had a little bit of gas that night. But I was in black pants and was pinching my cheeks each time I farted to make sure no juices came out with that god awful stinch. Well I was sitting on my friends lap and I let a fart slide out. To my surprise I ended up shitting all over his leg, and he could feel and smell it. He jumped up and yelled “DOOODIEEEE” and everyone went running. It was horrible, I got escorted out and was told never to come back. When I tried to get a cab some greasy arab told me when I got in that I smelled like shit and he made me get out. I was utterly mortified.

Well those were some real stories from the company, it’s amazing the price we pay to lose weight. I myself am going to just start shitting myself all the time and will then just say “My bad, it was an Alli-Oop”

Dude, I'm not that bad (A Letter from Aaron Rowand)

2007-07-13T09:04:00.000-04:00

Dear sports fans and media,

Look up my statistics for this season. Go ahead, do it. That's right motherfuckers, I'm batting .310 with 43 RBI's. Forty-three. As in "Aaron 'The Governor' Rowand got laid 43 times on the road this year because he's the illadelph mack-daddy". Just look at that hottie in the picture up top. You can't find ass like that outside of the all-star game.

And what do I get in return for bringing the "ill" back to "Philly"? I get an at bat when it's bases loaded with 2 outs in the ninth of the All-Star game and we're down by one. I get a pop out to deep right and a camera that pans immediately onto Albert Pujols, who didn't get the at bat. I get people on the streets of America saying "Aaron Rowand? I mean, Aaron Rowand???" all because they thought Pujols could get the hit and not me. I get disrespected.

I'm sorry I hit the ball 20 feet short of a grand slam. Really, I apologize. It should have been you up there, swinging at K-Rod's fastball with urine running down your leg and shit stains on your sliding pants. What right do I have to get an at-bat? All I did was get All American honors at Cal St Fullerton, lead the White Sox to their first World Series in 88 years, then throw my face into the centerfield fence in Philly just so I could catch a fly ball in May. But you? You've been Microsoft Office trained, lead your company to solid 1st quarter earnings, and got employee of the month back in April. I'm sure you could get ahold of a 92 mph slider, you fat fuck. Have another cheesesteak.

I can appreciate that Albert Pujols is a fine hitter in his own right, but still, it's an all-star game. That means everyone who made it is an all-star. Including me. And Freddy Sanchez. That's why you're lookin' at a picture of me, not you, partying with Steve Perry. That man taught me one thing - don't stop believin'. The Governor will be back. You're all gonna just have to deal with it.

Sincerely,

Aaron Rowand

Top 5 Thursday: Greatest Inventions!

2007-07-12T12:07:00.000-04:00

Top 5 Thursday is back with a vengeance, and I’d like to thank our guest writer of last week’s top 5, big up to the Antifolicle. Now it’s time to get back to the basics and begin a debate over the top 5 greatest inventions of all time. Now, Im not going to put any restrictions on this list, but it’s safe to say that this is not the place to list electricity, the wheel, fire, or the internet. All of which are valid and important inventions, but they not fun to write snide and lude comments about. This top 5 list is more for things like Jessica Biels Ass and the web-site Adult Friend Finder. So please take a moment, read over mine and then try to top my 5, because when you see #1 you’ll know you can’t top my list.

Ritalin: The wonder drug of our generation. Im pretty sure in 50 years we will be referred to as the “Ritalin Babies” instead of Generation Y or some other gay name. Since as long as I’ve been alive Ritalin has been around in a big way. I used to have to herd all the “hyper active” kids to the clinic after lunch and stand with them while they all took this magical pill. I was never on it, because my mom didn’t believe I had a problem, but anybody that knew me, knew I couldn’t sit still and enjoyed running into things. (things haven’t changed, but I didn’t have the butt sniffing fetish then) As we got older kids starting using them to study, I remember in college we popped about 3 of them and I was awake through 72 hours of my finals week, I failed all 5 finals, but at least I wasn’t tired. And now I “hear” people take them to drink more booze on weekend nights, I’ve even “heard” that some people snort these little wonders. Now, I of course know nothing about that, but I sure as hell do know that if I did try that I bet I could drink 20 beers, 10 V and T’s, 5 Royal Flushes and still kick every ones ass in Wii bowling while enjoying an immensely engaging conversation about the 2008 presidential elections. Wow I bet that would be fun! So to you Ritalin I salute, you are my wonder pill.

Toilet Paper: First and foremost we’re not talking about 2 ply or any TP you find in a public bathroom, that stuff is horrible and usually leads to B.A.S. worse than Taco Bell on a Sunday Morning. Im talking about Cottonelle or any really soft stuff that you could basically sleep on. I enjoy pooping a lot, I enjoy talking about poop a lot, I even know that the Silver Mox enjoys pooping in Triscuit boxes, but the one thing we always over look is that little joyous white roll that keeps everything relatively neat and clean around my rim. In the olden days I assume they used the back of their hand (done that camping, pretty fucking disgusting) or maybe some sort of paper or maybe nothing at all. Im sure it stank like shit back then and lots of people had a plethora or dingleberrys. So in the #4 slot I give big ups to toilet paper, not a flashy pick, but a necessary pick. I would like some toilet paper to use this advertisement “Toilet Paper, Preventing Bleeding Ass Syndrome since 1880”

Cranium: Ok, who ever came up with this game is a fucking genius, fuck you Einstein and Edison you don’t have shit on this mastermind. He combined Trivia Pursuit, Pictionary, Play-Doh, Humming, and Charades and made it into one fucking game, simply mesmerizing. I play this game whenever and wherever I can and will take all challengers. I would like to mention that this game caused an all out war in 2610 one night. After the R-Left and Ron cheated the big W and me out of a clue, we erupted (disclaimer: Big W blatantly cheated also). I threatened to quit, Ron ran outside crying, the R-Left threatened to kill me, it wasn’t a pretty sight. Of course the Big W and I ended up winning, but the tensions were high for about 3 days after that, and honestly I don’t think the R-Left is still really over it. So Cranium you my friend are the magical game that can pit roommate against roommate and friend against friend and cause an all out war, and may be responsible for countless deaths in third world countries, but in the end you are an invention for the ages.

Birth Control: Ok, I think you know what im going to say and im going say it anyways “condoms are for cowards” yup it is a motto of BDNB and we hold it near and dear to our heart. But honestly nobody in BDNB should be having a baby right now and in general Im not sure if any of us should ever pro-create. So we rely on this magical pill to be our safety vest. We just assume all woman are on this pill from the heavens ( I think the irony of using “heaven” when Catholics clearly don’t believe in contraception is hilarious to me) and we go about our business banging everything we can without putting on one of those tight constricting bags. I mean even girls honestly admit that sex sucks with condoms, it feels like shit, and if you’re drunk there is NO WAY you’re going to be able to bust a nut. I do understand that Birth Control doesn’t prevent STD’s and that’s a bitch, but we here at BDNB are professional gamblers, not just at cards, but in life! So B.C., next time Im balls deep and she says “you need to get a condom” my response will be “no I don’t, you’re on the pill……right?”

Charles Andrew Bray: Born at 4:20 am (no joke, hahaha) June 19, 1981 the world was given the glorious invention of the man for the ages, a real guy’s guy, somebody with purpose. ( I have no idea what im doing with my life) I am here to make all of you guys look better. When we go out just stand next to me and you should be able to usually hook up by default. Once the shirt comes off and first beer drips down my chest, you just have to look at a girl and tell them Im a retarded kid you take care of, she’ll love it. And if she doesn’t buy that she’ll at least look at me, then look at you and see what she thought was a 6 turn into a 9. I my friend am a wing man that rivals goose and that my friends is my gift to you.

No seriously, Im the fucking man, I will out drink, our party, and out fuck anything in sight. Don’t ever test me because you know I can’t turn down a dare. I am also special (according to my Mom) and don’t you forget that. Big night tonight lets throw down!

Top 5 Thursday is a wrap, lets see what your top 5 is!

My Cover Letter

2007-07-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

To Whom It May Concern,

You should hire me because, seriously, I'm a great guy. Maybe you don't think so, but trust me buddy, I know so. Just ask my parents. They tell me all the time how special and wonderful I am. Would my parents be lying to me? Are you fucking calling my goddamn parents liars? You son of a bitch! If I ever get to meet you in person, I'm gonna smack you in the face the way you smack your dick every night since you can't get laid, you bald fuck.....................Ok, sorry, I apologize. That fight was my fault. Don't know what got into me. But once you see how awesome I am, I'm pretty sure you're gonna forgive me anyway and then you're gonna give me a kickass job with a nice starting salary and an office with a view.

First off, I graduated from a big name university. You're not impressed? Do you know how hard it is to get any studying done in college these days? I don't know what it was like in your day, but we've got a lot going on now. There's greek life, football season, basketball season, women's rugby season, pre-party, party, after-party, hawaiian theme party, pimps and ho's party, concerts, formals, finals, and guest speakers. And we get wasted for all of them. Plus, I was social chair for my fraternity and that meant a lot of drinking before anyone even got there. Look, I was going out boozing four nights a week (not including weekends), I experimented with drugs, didn't show up to class very often, and I still passed 65% of my classes! This shows that I can handle a lot of responsibility. I know how to juggle a busy schedule and I know how to entertain clients. I also know how to smoke a bong and chug a beer at the same time (I put this on your application where it said "Additional Comments").

Ok, so after college I worked in an interactive environment that was highly dependent on socializing and also involved some accounting skills, as well as a touch screen. That's right, I was a waiter. (Does the touch screen thing count as experience with Microsoft Excel? If not, I apologize for marking "yes" on your application) I really learned a lot on this job, mainly how to deal with people's shit. Old people always seem to complain about how stupid other people are, but I acquired this knowledge earlier than most. Hopefully you're not one of these idiots and you'll realize how goddamn smart I am.

Oh, I just thought about the time I went backpacking through Central America. We were going to go to Europe, but I blew it on a bar tab one night. It's a crazy story, I'll tell it to you sometime....Anyway, I went to Central America. That shit ain't easy bro. People down there, they speak weird. And the food, man that stuff tastes strange. It was there that I learned my most important skill - survival. I survived. Wish I could say the same about that guy in Guatemala who rented me a motorcycle, but what can you do? I was desperate and there was no way I could pay for the damage I did and also afford a plane ride home. Not sure what this has to do with the position at your company, but I thought you'd appreciate that I have some solid "water cooler" talk.

Make me an offer and I'll give you a counter and we'll work something out. Then maybe we can go out for a drink or twelve. Just hit me up on my celly.

Your boy,

Gringo Starr

Woman Advice Wednesday: Types of Girls at Different Sporting Events

2007-07-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

It’s Wednesday afternoon and you’re bored, time to brighten your day with a little advice about the ladies from ol Coach Bray. I apologize for my hiatus from the blog this past week, but I was busy in Arizona pooping in pools, pouring drinks on myself at weddings, and watching Big Red beep as she backed up. But I digress……..Last week Ron and I went to a baseball game with Ron’s Dad (whom by the way is the funniest man I ever met, and loves off the cuff jokes) Anywho, Ron and I noticed an abundance of smokin hot babies walking around everywhere. And I'm not talking slutty whores, I'm talking grade A bring home to mom and dad and give you road head on the way over girl, you know the type you could date. We actually decided that the talent level at the game was higher than the talent at most bars we go to (not say much considering we go to whitlows a lot). So with that thought in mind Ron and I decided this Wednesday’s blog should be a guide towards the types of women you find at different sporting events.

Enjoy!

Baseball: This girls name is Elizabeth and she loves baseball because her daddy used to take her to all the games when she was a little girl and daddy was pissed he didn’t have a son.

Pros: Good Girl, All American, Wholesome, Amazing Body, Great Face, You automatically go up 2 pts when you walk in the room with her on your arm.
Cons: Prude, Total Bitch, Loves Sex and the City and she’s a “Carrie”, gives HJ’s not BJ’s, not into threesomes.

Football: This girls name is “The Sailor” and she loves football because she went to a big time football school and has a few brothers. She also banged her high school quarterback on the 50 yard line after a game, and has gotten tag teamed by the VT Hokies secondary in Cochran hall (get some Macho).

Pros: Hot, but in a slutty way, easy, drinks and curses like a sailor, takes it in the two, get’s drunker than you so when you start drooling it’s not nearly offensive because she’s done pissed herself (which I find sooo hot)
Cons: She’s banged one of your friends and will probably bang another, she will get you in a fight with a fan of the opposing team, probably has contracted some STD...she is a loud and obnoxious bitch

Hockey: This girls name is Debbie (or dumpy) and she loves hockey because she bangs one of the players, I mean honestly who the fuck goes to Hockey Games? She sits around the rink cheering her man on, she doesn’t drink or eat and seems put together.

Pros: Minx in the sack, can put up with watching hockey so basically she’ll watch anything, submissive, doesn’t get cold (why the fuck are all women cold?)
Cons: Might fart on your lap, has been known to be a downer, likes back ups, dances inappropriately at weddings (which is pretty tough to do considering I pour beer all over myself)

Nascar: This girls name is Kylie and she’s been going to races ever since she could crawl. Her momma taught her how to flash her fun bags, while her Pa taught her how to give a Jeff smoker. She loves fast cars cause she’s a fast lady and because of all the inbreeding she’s dumber than Corky (that retarded guy from “Life Goes On”)

Pros: You can convince her to do anything, her body is amazing because she knows that’s her only ticket out, studies karma sutra and her brother helps her practice, is game for threesomes.
Cons: Incest really isn’t that cool, buck teeth are not hot, she is white trash, she will bang your brother, uncle, and dad at your wedding.

Soccer: This girls name is Maria and I have no idea why she likes soccer, Im convinced nobody really likes it, but because it’s the only entertaining thing to watch in most of Latin America they all just follow each other there and yell. GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL

Pros: She can’t understand what you’re saying, Latinos are hot, she can hook you up with great weed, makes great tacos (not pink tacos you sickos, I legitimately think somebody that makes good tacos has a gift)
Cons: Smells bad, drives a Celica with rims, lives in Mexico, has killed somebody over a red card at a soccer game once, drives everywhere with 40 people in her car.

Softball: This girls name is Chris (not short for anything, she legally changed it) I really don’t know what went wrong here, or any background information

Pros: There are none, she is a lesbian. Not the hot threesome type either she’s basically a super bull dyke that also teaches gym at a middle school
Cons: You receive one kick in the balls for even going to a softball game

4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest: This girls name is Bertha and she ate your dog while you weren’t looking. She is a competitive eater in her own right, except she’s all endurance
Pros: You can pick fights and she’ll beat people up, you can stand in her shadow to cool off while at the beach, if you were on that plane that crashed in the Andes in the movie “Alive” you good eat her for up to 2 years and not go hungry
Cons: Not really sure if I need to go here, lets just say raising skin to find other parts of the body is not very hot.

So there you have it kiddies, another Woman Advise Wednesday! So next time you’re at a sporting event remember these horrific stereotypes and I can guarantee you’ll see these types of ladies.

Post a comment if I may have missed some types, I was thinking Gold Cup and the Golf Tourney probably had some interesting types, but I missed gold and don’t remember Gold Cup! Cheers

The Internet Hates Fun...

2007-07-10T10:40:00.000-04:00

So, I recently came upon the following website and when typing in our blog name came up with the following reasons that we're rated NC-17 (which I find perplexing since my 14 year old cousin loves this site). Also, I'm not allowed to talk to women under the age of 18 anyway by order of the federal judge of Bucks County, Pennsylvania, so this really doesn't shock me too much.

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
shit (17x)
ass (11x)
fucking (8x)
fuck (6x)
sex (5x)
dick (3x)
slut (2x)
sexy (1x)

Now personally, I don't think this is all that bad. Goodfellas says the word 'fuck' over 350 times yet it only gets an R rating. Striptease has boobies flying all over the godforsaken theatre, and only gets an R rating. Brokeback Mountain shows two men sodemizing each other for 90 minutes (Seriously, I was forced to watch it after I lost a bet, and it's not half bad...except for all the ass-fucking scenes, which just about ruins it) in the most procarious of positions and does not hit the NC-17 level.
When I was 16 I was doing every drug imaginable, flicking off cops, j-walking, shooting cats with crossbows, throwing empty beer cans in the local Rabbi's yard, fucking girls that hadn't been to communion yet, taking tags off mattresses, skateboarding on 495, and stealing women's clothes from department stores so I could dress up and dance in front of the mirror like I was Audrey Hepburn. And this was all before blogs were even invented, so obviously they had no part in me being the crazy teenage I was.
I also ask you blog-o-meter, since when is 'sexy' a foul word and not a compliment. Maybe it's because the one time we used it was to describe a 12 year old boy, but that still confuses me.

So now I say this to you rating system, "Go fuck yourself you fucking shit dick ass sluts. Sex is sexy."

Because brilliance often needs a rest...

2007-07-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

We here at BDNB are taking a much needed rest from the blog for this week in lieu of the holiday and lack of posters that are going to gay weddings. So you can count this as vacation time although Scummy will probably use these as sick days. Fuck on, Fuckers.

I also leave you with a picture of a midget fucking a blowup doll. Enjoy.

***Update: When I say "posters" I mean people who write posts. Not actual posters that you put on your wall. Damn you people are retarded.

Detox Diatribe : Welcome to Playboy Michelle

2007-07-02T08:31:00.000-04:00

Mondays fucking blow. I am not talking like the secretary in Office Space saying "sounds like someones got a case of the Mondays." I'm talking about my weekend started on Thursday so now my eyes look Asian, and there is a 90% chance that I still reek of booze which is why no one will talk to me until noon, type of hating Mondays. The only thing that is worse: the death march that is sports until football starts. Here is what I'm talking about:

Sportscenter Who is Now: Really? A bracket for who is the most marketable athlete? A one hour preview show with the brackets being broken down by Stu Scott? (Yeah I watched it, that Stuart Scott is so amazingly hip with his tough street lingo that he really knocks my socks off) This show is the equivalent of what my bowels leave in the work bathroom after my Monday morning coffee, the type of shit that you take and then find things to do near the bathroom so you can watch people's expression of pure terror as they squeeze out of the door. I award myself bonus points when they walk in, and quickly come right back out because they'd rather hold it.

Sporstcenter: My Wish: Sensing a theme here? Touching stories, really, but I was ok with them the first time they ran. The hour long special of all of them back to back? Thats horseshit. I would much rather see replays of last years Arena League Football. ANYTHING football at this point makes us happy, can't you just give us a little???

Michelle Wie: I actually thought you might have figured it out when your trainer said you wouldn't be playing in any more Men's events. Good thing you overruled him on that one. Then you had to pull out on the 18th hole with the LPGA so that you didn't get dq'd for the year? That is the equivalent of hitting the reset button on Tiger Woods, and I even feel guilty when I do that... The good news is, you're hot. You've been hot since you were 14. Is it wrong that I still fantasise about you being 14? Anyways two more years, and you can cash in with a Playboy spread, then get the hell off of my TV for the rest of my life. I'll buy the issue and that is all I need.

61 days till the Hokies kick off... Happy Hangovers everyone, don't forget to vote on ESPN for Who is now...

Major life choices were made today, and I think they are golden...

2007-06-29T12:32:00.000-04:00

I've decided I'm going to become an inventor. I feel like this is my calling, and I'm going to pursue it. As of now my resume does not include anything that remotely resembles any history of inventing, but you know what, that doesn't matter. Because when you're an inventor, you work for yourself, like an artist or a street pimp.
Picture this scene if you will...
I'm at a bar with three friends and two smokin hot ladies step our way, which means one of us douche bags will be going home sans pussy.

Girl 1: So what do you guys do?
Friend 1: I work as a consultant.
Friend 2: I work for the government doing something.
Me: I'm an inventor.
Girl 2: You can invent me anytime.
Girl 1: Shut up Girl 2, get your own man. Stop whorring in on my new inventor guy. Take the stupid consultant.
Girl 2: I always end up with the rabbit ear'd consultant, for once let me throw my titties into an inventors face, it's always been a dream of mine.
Friend 1: I don't have rabbit ears
Girl 1: Shut up Friend 1, you do so. They're fuckin huge. I just saw you at the grocery store the other day posing on a box of Trix you fat fuck.
Friend 1: I'm not fat
Girl 2: Honestly, Friend 1, you're kind of fat, you should go to the gym with the inventor, he's got a hot bod. It's like he invented the gym or something.
Friend 2: I get paid $28,000 a year. With benefits!
Girl 1: Oh goodness Friend 2, that's just great, can your Dental plan buy me a fucking Land Rover? It can't. Well fuck off then. The inventor makes $28,000 an hour just by standing there looking hot. Lets go have sex in the bathroom inventor boy.

I imagine it will go down somewhat like this, maybe not exactly. You can't predict the future you know, but this feels pretty accurate. So, now I'm going to go tell my boss I'm quitting my job, buying a book on Thomas Edison, taking a shit, then a nap, waking up and inventing something bodaycious. My first idea is a rocket launcher that goes into your tennis shoe so you can run faster. I've already emailed the U.S. Patent office about it, so you will get sued if you try and steal it. I can smell your jealousy from here...

Top 5 Thursday: Athletes

2007-06-28T10:34:00.001-04:00

The task of guest writing the Top 5 came to me today as ol Scummy is living it up in God's forgotten state of Maryland. Since I'm running on the first week of my two weeks notice, I was able to allocate the time, but what subject? Top five porn sites? Sports teams? Bars to get laid at? I finally narrowed it down to Top 5 backup goaltenders' wives, when Ol Ron convinced me to broaden it a touch. So here we go, Top Five Favorite Athletes. If you need rules on this one, you're a douche bag. No one is picking fictional characters or cartoons, just your five favorite athletes that you grew up watching or reading about.

1. Ray Bourque: All class all the time. Not close to as good as Bobby Orr, the best hockey player of all time, those that say Lemeiux or Gretzky can fuck themselves, but I never saw Orr play. Bourque was the heart of the great Bruins teams of the 90's that never managed to pull it together. Probably the only player other the Nomar that I didn't hate for leaving Boston. Seeing how I'm the only one on this blog that watched hockey I'll stop there.

4. Pedro Martinez : I don't care that he talked shit about the team management, Pedro was the Red Sox. He was fragile as hell, but the little guy could throw. The best winning percentage of any active pitcher with over 200 wins. Pulled pranks on everyone in the club house to keep things light, and most importantly, he had his own personal midget that he brought around with him. I can only pray to have that some day. (Or start hanging out with Tommy Fuqua)

3. David Ortiz : (Could have been you here Damon, you friggin pole smoker) He was nothing on the Twins, then coming to the Sox in '03 he suddenly turns into the most ridiculous clutch hitter of my time. Game winning hits through the '04 playoffs finally made it bearable to be a Sox fan.

2. Michael Vick: He made college football at VT what it is for me. The first game I went to see I heard some guy say that we had a pretty decent freshman quarterback. Then I watched him do flips all over the tenacious defense that was JMU. The undefeated season that VT had that year, and the ridiculous show that he put on against FSU was just incredible. (Favorite play would have to be faking going out of bounds against WVU to set up the game winning field goal.) He may be as big of a fuck up as his brother now, but at VT he was GOD.

1. Ricky Bobby: Dude won a race going backwards, battled imaginary fires, and had a smokin hot wife. What is not to like? I too hate the french, love to go fast, and picture my Jesus as a little baby Jesus when I say grace. No other athlete out there turns left like Ol Ricky Bobby.

Honorable Mention: Bobby Orr, Barry Sanders, Manny Ramirez, Carmelo Anthony, Gerry McNamara, Chris Marcus

Woman Advice Wednesday: Opening and Closing Lines That Help You Get Ass!

2007-06-27T09:01:00.000-04:00

It’s that time of week again boys and girls, time for advice from Ol’scummy on issues relating to getting some ass. I would like to mention that I have no idea why anybody would listen to me when it comes to woman issues, as I spend most of my time with my nose up their ass and then jerking off later, but every once in a while I do hit gold, so listen up bitches! (Last weekend I hit gold)

Our discussion today revolves around that opening line that gets you into the conversation and the closing line that gets her home. Below I have set up some scenarios to use in which lines work best in each situation.

Scenario 1: You see a pretty girl that is from a conservative family and definitely went to one of the D.C. area private schools. She got convinced to leave Smith Point for a night and finds herself lost on the patio at Sequoia
First: Go to the Bar, buy a cosmo and walk straight towards her
Opening Line: Excuse me, I noticed you were standing alone and I really thought this Drink would match your Chanel purse!
Follow up topics: Your Dad’s fake beach house in the Preserve in Bethany, your fake boat in Annapolis, you’re a Venture Capitalist and graduated from Dickinson (big schools weren’t for you), lastly mention going to Smithpoint all the time but have never seen her
Closing Line: You seem very interesting and this place Bores me, would you like to go home and see my wine cellar?
(If she gets in the cab with you the deal is done, but get ready this girl is either a super closet freak that might break you, or you’re ending the night with a sloppy hand job that you make her stop and end up finishing yourself.)

Scenario 2: You see a Hot Girl that is dressed slutty but is reserved, she is doing so because she just broke up with her boyfriend, she is already buzzing, but is still holding her booze well. Move quickly many other dudes are noticing these same tells.
First: Go to the bar, grab a double RBV (if she asks, it’s a single)
Opening Line: You look like you could use a drink, long week?
Follow Up Topics: Guys suck, relationships are tough, weed, your fake lawyer job, how great the weather is, weed, how much you love being single
Closing Line: This really isn’t my scene, I’ve got a ton of good beer and a shit load of weed, lets go get fucked up together and see the sun rise.
(This girl is going to be fun, smart move is to go for the kill immediately when you get home, get it out of the way then have a late night smoking session and then bang again while you’re both too stoned to even remember it)

Scenario 3: You see a smoking hot girl, dressed like a total slut, one eye is barely open and she is totally wasted, she is already talking to some dudes, time for reinforcements.
First: Screw a drink fill a cup up with straight vodka, hold the ice
Opening Line: Hey you’re Hot and I like you! Here Chug this water! (keep it simple she is wasted)
Follow Up Topics: You are rich, you have a large house (planning on taking her to Brad’s), you come here frequently, Bud is the captain of your boat, you moonlight as a vampire
Closing Line: I have a hot tub
(when you get home make sure to fake clog your toilet, sometimes these girls have a tendency to drop a doo doo brown, but she will also be a handful in bed, so bring you’re A game)

Final note: If you haven’t noticed the key is to always be offering something besides yourself, distract them from ever thinking that you know they are really going home for sex. The biggest mistake a guy makes is “lets go home and hook up” unless it’s your gf, usually on the way to the cab a female always has this inner voice that makes her feel like a slut, but that inner voice doesn’t say anything about substance abuse. Enjoy! All three of these girls can be found at the waterfront Friday’s and Saturday nights!

MAIL BAG!!!

2007-06-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

Wow, another month has passed and I have accomplished absolutely nothing, and for some reason feel no remorse. That's life I guess. Well one thing I have done is open a shit load of fan mail, mainly from bitches asking where we go out in D.C. or 15 year old kids asking where they can score some weed. Here are some of the wilder ones, with responses...

BDNB,

I am starting my own blog and would like some suggestions on how to make it just right. I am a journalism major and currently editor at a small paper in my town, but blogging seems like a different facet altogether.

Brian, Sandusky IN

Hey Brian,

Let me kindly explain something to you. None of us have ever written an essay, a novel, a statement, a letter, a synopsis, a quip, a quibble, a thesis, a dissertation, or a motherfuckin composition. This shit doesnt take talent, you just write what youre thinking, cuss a few times, mention boobies, and then make fun of the general public. The fact that you have writing talent makes me think you should stick to something you're good at, like gay sex.

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Hey Guys,

Do you have hairy chests or backs? And what is your theory on guys who shave their chests, personally I think it's NOT HOT!

Lisa, Sandy Springs MN

Lisa Baby,

Guys who shave their chest are either a) Gay or b) morbidly Gay. There's no two ways around it. Even if your chest looks like a gorilla's pussy, you cannot shave the shit. Take some scissors and trim it down, that's no problem, just put the damn razor down. You can even break out the Nair if you're so inclined, just watch the pubes. And while I'm on the subject, for the love of god you ladies need to stop shaving your crotchal region completely. I'm sure some sick bastards may love it, but personally I don't want your pussy to bring me back memories of when I played seven minutes in heaven with Kristie Lambert in the sixth grade. Leave some fucking hair down there.

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BDNB,

I'm going out on a date tonight, and I want some advice on how to get lucky with her since I really like this girl. Also I'm a sophomore in college and I still haven't lost my virginity. HELP!

Ron, Athens GA

First off Ron, you might be gay. I'd look into that before you really delve into other issues. So, you are in quite the quandary my friend, and lucky for you we're here to help. There are certain girls whom we try and sleep with the first night, and then there are the one's that we would like to court, or date if you will. If a young lassie sleeps with you the first night (good score buddy) you cannot, under any circumstance, date said girl. Because the rest of your life you will be wondering how many other dudes (and believe me, it's always way more than you think) she got banged out by on the first date. So you're just gonna have to let em go at that point.

On the other hand, if she blocks your junk that first night and you still like her, you may have the makings of a great thing going. So take her out again, and give it another shot. She may block on the second date as well, which will just get you more intrigued, so carry on. But if that fuckin bitch doesn't put out on the third date, kick her prude ass outta bed and delete her number from your phone. Because if she's gonna make you wait for sex, then she'll own you in every other department in your relationship.

And to help you plan your date, take her to a Chevy's. You're fuckin welcome...

Tuesday Morning Tirade!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-26T09:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, it’s Tuesday morning and in my opinion the worst fucking day of the week. Monday Im drunk most of the day so I don’t even realize Im at work until about 3:00, and at that point all I have left to do is take a shit, do a soduko and leave work early. Tuesday is really the day that bites my ass, and because of this Im going on a Tuesday morning Tirade directed at Traffic. Today’s traffic sucked my right nut and Im pissed about it. I also kept missing the funny part of the Junkies which also made me angry. But honestly the only reason we have traffic is because of retarded drivers that don’t pay attention and drive passively. At least 5 times today I passed some big fat Hurctings that literally were busing grazing in a trough of cereal that they had built to fit the size of their fucking dashboard, and if it wasn’t food then they were of course on their cell phone and that puts me through the roof. I began throwing pennies at this DB in suspenders thinking he was a big timer today. Well let me tell you something hot shot, yeah you may have just closed a deal that is worth more than my salary this year, but I just put a nifty quarter sized ding in your brand new beamers, so guess what, Go Fuck Yourself. Maybe Im just an arrogant prick (the word definitely should replace maybe) but I drive like an in control maniac that knows where they need to go and is going fast. If everyone did that, the world would be a greater place. So to all you morning commuters I feel your pain you are not alone. I also get just as frustrated because it always seems like bad drivers are ugly. (one time a really hot girl was on her phone and for some reason it didn’t bother me, I actually pulled up next to her and drove slowly staring at her) So tomorrow get a roll of pennies, crank on the junkies and enjoy that 20 minute commute that is 2.7 miles.

Side note, I am also on a Tirade towards Ellen Barkin and Steven Sodenberg for not showing me some tits in last nights Oceans 13, you CAN NOT have a cleavage dress on and purposely keep letting the straps go down and not at least show me a bra or something, you my friends are on my shit list.

Top 5Thursday: Game Shows

2007-06-21T09:42:00.000-04:00

Ok, here we go again, this is now a staple of Thursday’s on the BDNB blog so you know the deal. There is really only one major stipulation and that is the game shows can not be reality based. No survivor or Paradise island, we’ll do another one dedicated to just reality. So think back to your child hood years and dig up some gems and let us all know why you liked it.

Enjoy!

5.) Gutz – This was my shit, I don’t know what it was but I loved this show. I think maybe I liked it because the contestants were 10 when I was 12 and I knew I could’ve kicked all there asses had I been on the show. And If I had been on the show I would’ve been Andrew “the cougar hunter” Bray. Did you ever notice they always had sweet animal related names. I also wanted nothing more than to win a piece of the Agro Crag and bring it to show-in-tell and probably get an H.J. in the castle on the playground by Susan Decker for it.

Interesting Tid Bit: The official Ref was this British chick named Moe, and she was a deceptive piece of ass. She wasn’t much to look at, but had a nice body and a sweet accent. And if she’s anything like the only other female Mo I know, than she’s obviously easy as shit.

4.) Singled Out – This was by far and away the best dating show on T.V., “Studs” was a close runner up. I liked this show for one reason and one reason only………..Jenny McCarthy!!!!!!! I was kind of at that age when girls made me really excited and she totally did it for me. Honestly Im trying to remember what the show was even about and Im drawing a blank. I just remember a loser guy co-host that always broke my concentration at and inopportune time. Jenny I still love you and hope we can be together one day. By the way, I think the game show actually sucked now that I think about it.

Interesting Tid Bit: Jenny was Playmate of the Year that Year and now she dates Jim Carrey, she clearly made some poor career choices, but Singled out wasn’t one of them. When Jenny left, Carmen Electra came in, god MTV execs are geniuses.

3.) Family Feud – How could you beat a team game that pits family against family that has stood the test of time? Remember old Dick Dawson trying to make out with everyone including the men in the 70’s, to Crazy Ray (I shot myself) in the 80’s and 90’s, to dumb ass Louie “What” at the turn of the century and now they have that total DB that was Tim Allen’s butt pirate on “Tool Time.” I honestly love everything that this show stands for, and it’s a great game to play at Christmas when you’re dad has had one too many and pretends to be Dick Dawson and can barely read the cards so he makes shit up!

Interesting Tid Bit: This has and always will be a racially motivated show, I personally have never seen a Hispanic, African, or Asian family win, and usually they lose REALLY bad. Simple answer for this is they only poll White Red Necks from West Virginia. I was watching once and they polled people on “Terms of Endearment” and I shit you not the number 5 answer was “Sis” and the number 6 was “Mamma”!

2.) Jeopardy – I have definitely watched more than any other game show, and I love flexing my brain muscles in pure domination every time I play. Righteous Left, Ron B, and EL Kick ‘OR, know all about my masterful skills with Trebektron 3000. Everything about this game is fantastic even down to the Final Jeopardy music that you can’t help but hum too (tried getting a hummer too it once, she couldn’t pull it without laughing, A for effort though). Try playing a drinking game to it, because usually it doesn’t matter to blurt out dumb ass responses, but when a beer is on the line things get tricky.

Interesting Tid Bit: The one draw back for this show are the stories these pathetic losers come up with, and the sad thing is these people were interesting enough to make the cut, some people are smart as hell but don’t make the cut because they’re not “TV Friendly” Jesus Christ they must be hideous. Next time they’re about to talk, turn it on Mute and make up your own story. Usually I play Alex and he’s usually pretty critical of the contestant’s looks.

Alex: “So Anne, Im reading here your single, fat as shit, and still a virgin?”
Anne: “Yeah it’s pretty bad, I eat a lot and masturbate even more”
You get the idea…………..

1.) American Gladiators – Greatest Game Show EVER made. How could you not enjoy watching amateur athletes getting their ass whipped in games designed for them to get their ass kicked? When I was younger we re-created every game they had (except for the gay one in the steel balls) in my basement and it was the shit, we even wore old lacrosse helmets and beat the shit out of each other with sticks. This was also Joe Theisman and Mike Golic’s jump off to Monday night football, way to go guys! But lets be honest the bread and butter of this show are the Gladiators, I love them all and the names are amazing, but nobody is better than Nitro and Zap and I’ll argue this until Im blue in the face.

Interesting Tid Bit: I had no idea woman in the late 80’s were so hideous. The woman contestants all look like 15 year old pre pubescent boys with mullets or jerry curls. I actually threw up a little bit in mouth watching one of them climb up the cargo net.

Who wears short shorts?

2007-06-21T09:20:00.000-04:00

As many have already heard, we here at BDNB have a strong “relationship” with the H-Back of the Redskins, Chris Cooley. Last September we “hung out” with him at ESPNZONE in D.C. for approximately 45-50 minutes enjoying many frosty lagers, while Chrissy shared stories that made us feel slightly inferior. (This feeling lasted about 20 minutes to which we immediately felt badass again).

Well fast forward eight months and we see him gallivanting on PTI wearing John Stockton shorts while Brandon Lloyd is suddenly wishing he was spandex. First idea, call him. Fellow BDNB’r Jeffery finds his number in his phone and gives him a ring. For the next 90 seconds, Jeffery attempts to remind Chrissy how we met while he politely agrees that he kind of remembers us. Then we make fun of his pants. Then we ask if Bill Cowher is going to be the coach next year. (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know who Cowher is). Hilarity ensues. Finally, the conversation ended, or so we thought. Apparently Chrissy doesn’t know how to turn his cell phone off, and the next two minutes were spent listening in on him notifying his friends that some loser just called who he doesn’t know. There may have also been something about him soliciting gay sex*.

*Not a true statement, but then again it was noisy as shit and we could barely hear him, so he coulda said anything. Apparently, Chrissy was at a party at 4pm on a freaking Thursday. Not like we can talk since we were mid-BBQ and each of us were already four pints deep. And we have real jobs.

So I’m gonna give you some tips Chrissy about dealing with the harsh realities of the NFL. First off, you’re gay. Stop trying to be a professional badass. You’re an H-Back on one of the shittiest teams in the NFL, get over yourself. Second, stop trying to grab national attention by wearing bizarre outfits, you’re not Portis. Or George Micheal. Third, and most important, you need to improve your social exchanges with fans. We don’t really want to hang out with you, we just want to score easy chicks because we’re hanging out with you. So hook that up next time.

Also, we hope that you have a real shitty cell phone plan cause we kept the phone on for about an hour and a half…

Women Advice Wednesday: How to Score A Foreign Chick

2007-06-20T14:36:00.001-04:00

As a man of international mystery, I always get the same question when I return from some exotic country where I have travelled: "Tell me Gringo Starr, what were the chicks like there?" This is usually followed up by some ridiculous rumors about how they heard that an asian girl's poon is sideways or that Costa Rican chicks have coconut shells for breast implants. Don't get me wrong, I love answering these questions and bragging about my sexual experiences. But it's time for you guys to find out if it's true for yourselves. You wanna know if those rings around african chicks' necks mean that she can give really good dome? Go for it. Even if you don't get to travel out of the country much, you can still find plenty of scary, exotic ass in our own country (so long as G Dub doesn't actually build a fence around the borders). Gentlemen, it's time to discover the truth for yourselves about ladies from different countries. I give you THE STRATEGY FOR SCORING A FOREIGN CHICK.

General rules:

1) You're an American. Everyone hates you. Going into it knowing this is a big advantage.
2) Ask them about their country. It should go without saying that chicks like to talk about themselves. Of course, you need to be careful here. One question to a Central American chick about the island of Honduras and you're fucked (sidenote to you uncultured DBs: Honduras is not an island).
3) Have them teach you their language. Your accent goes from redneck to adorable.
4) Open up your wallet and spend some money on her. You're an American. You're rich. Everyone hates you. Going into it knowing this is a big advantage.

The Latina:

This is a personal favorite because, yes, they are amazing in bed.

Pros: Ridiculous bodies, passionate lovers, having a girl call you "papi" is the single greatest compliment you have ever received, sexy no matter what they look like, will wake up in the morning and make you breakfast
Cons: LOVE to get pregnant, their hips get WAY too big after 25 years old, they talk spanish so fucking fast, and they will wake up in the morning and make you and your 6 children breakfast. Ouch.
Advice: These girls love games. No, I'm not talking about scrabble. You have to pursue them for months. But its a big payoff, so stay patient. Just make sure you use your own condoms, she's probably poked holes in hers.

The Asian:

Pros: Compared to a Chinese guy you are hung like a pro basketball player, they worship you, they stay looking 18 for their entire lives
Cons: You can't understand a single thing they're saying in their language (and in your language too for that matter), they all look the same, you've felt bigger tits in elementary school (but not recently, or so you pleaded to the judge)
Advice: You are their Green Card, so be careful. These chicks are not very much fun, but they are good to come back to when you are 65 and all the american chicks are fat and nasty.

The African:

Pros: Sleeping with a black girl makes you a badass
Cons: You flat out will not be able to score with a black girl, so forget it anyway.
Advice: Your dick is small compared to a black guy's, so why bother really?

The European:

Pros: Sexually curious in ways you never imagined, give you great stories to tell about your "backpacking adventure through europe", you can have a great smoke in bed afterwards and they dont mind....in fact, they'll probably bum you one of theirs.
Cons: Europeans think they're better than you so you will probably be a dissappointment to them in bed, you can't afford a date in europe because the dollar is not as strong as it used to be
Advice: Bang them when they come to the U.S., it's much cheaper than going there and you're bed is much nicer than a cot at a hostel in the ghettos of Luxembourg.

The Canadian:

Pros: She's easy to get in the sack and has a total inferiority complex because you are from America
Cons: Her accent sucks and she probably will be wearing something with that stupid fucking maple leaf on it
Advice: If you're intimidated by other foreign chicks, this is a good warmup. Think of her as a game of pepper before you actually have to go out and play a real game of baseball.

Doodoo Brown

2007-06-20T12:09:00.000-04:00

Well the north side of Arlington
Is the smelliest part of town
And if you go up there
You better just beware
Of a woman named doodoo brown

Now doodoo more than trouble
You see she stand bout five foot nine
All the downtown ladies call her brown eyed girl
All the mens just stare at that behind

And its bad, bad doodoo brown
The baddest crud in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And stanker than a junkyard dog

Now doodoo she a stinker
And she like her fancy clothes
And she like to wave her stank ass cruds
In front of everybodys nose

And its bad, bad doodoo brown
Lays the baddest crud in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And stanker than a junkyard dog

Well Saturday bout a week ago
Doodoo shootin vodka/ice
And at the end of the bar
Sat a one man stall
And ooh that throne looked nice
Well she cast her eyes upon it
And the trouble soon began
And doodoo brown learned a lesson
bout messin with the toilet of another man

And its bad, bad doodoo brown
Baddest crud in the whole damned town
Badder than old king kong
And stanker than a junkyard dog,

Well doodoo took to fightin
Then pulled her drawers up off the floor
Doodoo looked with a face of relief
As she lost 10 lbs no more

And its bad, bad doodoo brown
The baddest crud in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And stanker than a junkyard dog

Coming to America

2007-06-19T14:16:00.000-04:00

So this is Gringo Starr, checking in for the first time. On July 1st, I am moving back to America on a permanent basis after 2 years in Costa Rica (which was after 1 year in Taiwan). I have to say, I'm a little apprehensive about the move. For starters, I've missed out on American Pop Culture for several of my prime 20-something years. Who is going to want to hang out with some guy who hasn't seen a reality tv show in 2 years? For the rest of my life, when anyone talks about some nasty chick on American Idol and how she sang the hell out of 6 covers of Stevie Wonder, I'm going to be clueless. I mean, what chick wants to date a guy who has owned the same nokia phone for 2 years where you could change the covers on it, but you couldn't actually do anything but make a phone call???? They should make a reality show about me and call it "Douche Bag Tries To Learn About American Culture Again". It would kind of be like Borat, except not as funny and with a stranger accent (you try spending 1 year in Asia and 2 years in Latin America. You end up rolling your L's).

One thing that I am going to need to adjust to again is the need to be on time and showing up to things when you say you will. In Latin America, you tell someone you will be somewhere at 7 and you end up there in November. Nobody gives a crap. At first, this was frustrating because it was hard to make plans with anyone. But then, I realized that I could skip out on anyone I didn't actually want to hang out with. I could tell them "Yes, I will be at the ballet concert at 8pm, I will meet you in front of the Will Call." But what I'd really do is go to the casinos until 5am, not call my "friend", and when I saw him next I'd ask him how the concert was and with a lisp he would say "Fantathtic. Leth do something thith weekend." And then it would start all over again. For this, I say "God Bless Latin America."

I've decided to make a list of pros and cons for moving to the States again. The cons are in parentheses after each pro.

1. Sportscenter in English (I'm no longer the best athlete in the country and will no longer make it into top 10 plays of the week)

2. No more rice and beans (I gain 30 pounds in a month from fatty foods)

3. I'm cultured and will thus score with chicks (Who are we kidding? What American girl wants to talk to a skinny short guy with a goatee?)

4. I can show off my new salsa dancing moves (The only place to show off dancing moves is in Spanish Harlem and despite a few years in Latin America, I will still stick out like a sore thumb in Harlem)

5. I am going to start earning a salary that is above minimum wage (I can't really think of a con against this except that everything in the US costs a minimum of 500 dollars, whereas Costa Rica's GNP last year was less than 500)

If you can think of any other pros or cons, just let me know. In the meantime, if you happen to run into me over the next few months, do me a favor and don't tell me anything about what happened in the following TV shows because I will be catching up on them: Sopranos, Entourage, Lost, Mamma's Family, and Price is Right.

Don't worry, 26 is the new 25....

2007-06-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

Here at BDNB, we fully support individual accomplishments and personal gains. We are in no way a team oriented group, which is why today is such a big deal. It’s Scummy’s birthday!!! A day to relish in the limelight that is yourself, and receive undeserving accolades (and shots) from friends who are probably talking shit behind your back. And why? To make ourselves look cool by comparison.

In the festive cheer that is Scummy’s birthday, today will be relegated to postings celebrating the birth of the hairiest man alive. So, I have changed the lyrics to his favorite song and posted them for all to see. I’d apologize to Skynyrd if I could, but….

Now if he leaves here tomorrow….
Would he still remember to pee….
Into his pants for no reason at all….
Cause for some reason toilets are real hard to see…

But then he shaved his back for you girl,
And it looks freaky but he acts the same…
Cause Scummy’s back is as slick as a girls now,
But his Scumminess you cannot change…
Lord, knows he cant change.

Bye, bye, to all your polo’s,
Your parents got you more so now we’ll take…
Then we’ll hack into your phone records,
And blame the whole damn thing on Kate….

You fucked up your shoulder and have no idea how,
Now no sports and on the bench you stay…
But please don’t take it so badly,
You threw like a girl anyway….

And this scummy you’ll never change….
No, no, he can’t change….
Chaiaiaiaiaiaiaange…. (silly guitar solo)
Cause he’ll go and pee his pants now,
And this Scummy, you cannot change....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKER!

Seabass said that?

2007-06-18T10:42:00.001-04:00

This question came up at a meeting last week so I thought I would send it out to the group to see what everyone likes to drink. Lets say you're only allowed to have 3 different kinds of beers and one specific liquor drink for the rest of your life, what would they be?

Beer
1. Guinness
2. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
3. Heineken

Liquor
Bombay Sapphire and Tonic

Top 5 Thursday: Fictional Characters You'd like to Have A Drink With

2007-06-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

It’s that time of week again, when the weekend is in sight and you know tomorrow you’ll do nothing at work, so here’s another Top 5 Thursday for you to mull over. Topic today is Fictional Characters you’d most like to have a beer with. I need to add some stipulations to clear things up. First, DO NOT PICK A GIRL, a beer does not mean SEX. This is strictly a test to see who would be fun and entertaining to have a beer with. Second, Cartoons are out, how the hell can we add cartoons, this isn’t Roger Rabbit. And lastly the person selected willingly wants to spend time with you, so even if you picked Jason Voorhees he would put down his machete for an hour to have a beer with you.

Oh, MAJOR STIPULATION, because of their ultimate coolness I have banned two people from appearing on this list. Dylan McKay and Pete Mitchell. I mean who wouldn’t choose these two guys to have a beer with? It’s kind of too obvious. I would’ve alternated Dylan and Pete for all 5 choices, obviously giving the nod to Dylan for the final slot. Next time I have a royal flush, this one’s to you Dylan!

Final Disclaimer : Luke, Kevin Federline is NOT a fictional character, PoPo Zao!

Enjoy!

Jeff Spicoli- I figure I’d ask Jeff to pick me up in his old beat up VW Van and we’d head straight for the Starboard. I think the ride in itself would be pretty amazing considering it would be too smokey to see the road. Spicoloi is a champion amongst boys when it comes to smoking and drinking and I know he’d get along great with Starboard's Megan. He and I have a lot in common besides partying ways, he has an issue with wearing a shirt in establishments so I guess we’re kind of like two boobs in a bra. At the end of the day I think we’d both go curse out Mr. Hand and then jerk off to Phoebe Cates, oh what a day!

Chris Moltisanti- I think this is the only serious one because I don’t have anything planned except to just observe this work of art in live form. We would be at the Bing of Course, just for some scattered eye candy. I would also request that he be on H the entire time, and hopefully Furio is watching the door for any bad guys (the old furio, not the pussy “oh I love you Carmella” one). I would imagine that between being told great whacking stories, alongside his deep thoughts we could have some amazing conversations about the history of the world. Remember when he was asked if Adam and Eve were before dinosaurs, let me refresh you………..
"T-Rex in the garden of Eden chasing around Adam and Eve? Naw....they said it was a paradise."
You’re the man Chrissy, best character on the best show ever, and at least you got to go out to the best song they ever did on the show “comfortably numb”

Chaz- This guy is a fucking pussy magnet, he came up with the greatest rule book ever and somehow flipped it to work at funerals. I thought Ron and I had no Soul, and if that’s the case than this guy is Lucifer himself. I think Chaz could be a big hit at Lib Tav on a Friday night in a robe with his nunchucks, and we would sit and mack babies all night long. Late night dinner at his house for some meatloaf and then out I go. Rule #777 Taking your shirt off at bars works, but only if you believe it will. Thanks Chaz!

Bunz- I need to go get hard with somebody, so if any man can show me the way it’s Bunz. I figure he can hook me with some of those glow in the dark contacts and we can go rob some club in NYC and then roll over to one of Jay-Z’s spots and pop some Cristal. (Soul to Soul “How Ever do you want It” will be playing on a loop the entire time), then when it’s time to sniff butt, he will bark at the girl after she see’s me getting a good whiff. We will then smoke the biggest blunt you've ever seen and Sincere will make a cameo. He also told me he had plans later in the night to fight his dogs against some guy named Ron Mexico, so it should be a sweet night.

Chunk/Sloth- HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!! Ok, I know this is kind of cheating but I would’ve picked Sloth, but nobody can understand that fucking retard except Chunk, and getting to watch Sloth eat Baby Ruths and wiggle his ears while chunk does the truffle shuffle will make me pee my pants unintentionally. Plus can you imagine sloth after 5 shots of cuervo? Not to mention watching Chunk puke all over the place from shots, and it won’t be fake this time you fat fuck. I really don’t think I’ll say a single word to either of them, but the shear entertainment value of this dynamic duo is unbeatable. Im not sure what bar we'll be aloud to stay in longer than 5 minutes, but I've got my money on Rhino as our best bet.

Honorable Mention
Jack Ryan
Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn
Bodie
Tweeter
Rick James (Played by Dave Chappelle, not the real one “you know what I want”)

Just like every Thursday please post your top 5 in the Comments Section!

Is that a diamond in your pocket or are you just...whoa, yeah that's definitely not a diamond

2007-06-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

So Scummy and I watched this movie Blood Diamond last night, and I gotta say, I don’t think I care about the atrocities that happen in Africa with these diamonds. Sure I get the point of the movie, that families are being murdered in cold blood because a few deviant individuals that are trying to make a buck. And when you go to the store you’re supposed to ask for non-conflict diamonds in order to keep the smuggled diamonds out of the country. Well the movie didn’t sell me, and I’ll tell you why…Jennifer Connelly never showed her tits. I mean nothing. Not a nude shot, not a bra shot, not even a shot of her in a negligee laying on her back with her arms over her head (you know what move I’m talking about, it’s the bees knees). And we’ve already seen em in Requiem for a Dream, so it’s not like it’s anything new for us. The whole movie you’re thinking about how excited you are to see those bad boys you completely forget about the diamonds entirely, and then end up enraged when she leaves the Leo and big black guy fully clothed.

If you want to make a movie that has a message, don’t cast a hotass actress that’s already shown her tits in a movie and then keep her dressed like a nun for 135 minutes. It’s not gonna get your point across. Also, can someone please make a movie where there is a gratuitous sex scene during the closing credits, so we can leave the theatre feeling happy and fulfilled. If there’s anything wrong with Hollywood today, it’s that there is a lack of sex in movies. And not nearly enough Paul Walker.

Woman Advice Wednesday

2007-06-13T10:43:00.000-04:00

I’d like to start out this fine Wednesday morning by discussing some interesting revelations made last night by Ron and I while we were having a great smoke and watching the most painfully boring NBA finals game ever. Thanks a lot David Stern you fucking DB, the Suns would’ve made this shit a lot better, or at least Rasheed and his ash tray head would’ve gotten ejected for going crazy, but I digress……..

Ron and I have recently removed ourselves from long term death (relationships), and Ron has recently found himself being sucked back into one, we both realized this when he lied to a girl to get off the phone, when I was like “what the fuck are you doing on the phone at 10:30 on a Tuesday night with her in the first place?” Now this is not an indictment on Ron, as I’d love to tag that ass he’s working on right now, but it’s important to note that all we want is to Tag ass, NOTHING ELSE! I mean a random movie night, followed by sex is ok. Or a random dinner followed by a blow job works to. But I think you get the primary theme we have going here. We’re not sure if it was the beers at the ranch or the great smoke but we came up with an age chart of what to expect from a girl depending on her age. So please sit back enjoy and take detailed notes.

BDNB Gospel: Book of Scummy: Chapter 1

1-17 – Ok I don’t even think I need to go here, statutory rape is illegal and BDNB is all about lots of illegal shit, but this isn’t one of them. Stay away at all costs, regardless of how good that ass looks. In a moment of desperation think of that guy in Atlanta, he went to jail for it, and he was only 18.

Local Hangouts: Playgrounds, Amusement Parks, Arcades, High School

18-24 – Ok, this is your “wheelhouse” whether she’s in college or a young professional this girl cares about nothing but slamming cosmos, dancing to 80’s tunes, and riding cock. They are usually naïve, immature and dumb (sound like anybody you know?) because so are you and all your friends so it’s much easier to relate to a younger chick. This girl is also very easy to manipulate and wowed by your “career path”. This girl realizes that she is young and in the peak of the way her body looks so she flaunts it for everything it is. You do not have to respect this girl AT ALL, she doesn’t even respect herself and she’ll justify this period in her life as her “wild days” just make sure you get a ride before she turns 25.

Local Hangouts: TOTS, Ballroom, Sorority Houses, Third Edition, Your Bed

25-30 – WARNING!!!! This is the bad time. Any girl that is post 25 has had three important things happen to her that has drastically affected her carefree whorish ways of the past. First, she has worked for 2-3 years and has realized how miserable the working world is and has decided she never wants to work; so she needs to find a wealthy man while she still looks decent so she can be a stay at home mom. Second, she has turned 25 and see’s 20 in her rearview mirror and knows in another year or two; another 20 lbs will be on her rear. Third, she has been in at least 3 weddings and at each one she gets more scared that she’s never going to find “the one”. All of these things culminate in the Perfect Storm of what I call “premature falling in love”. This results in cling on bitches that don’t understand that unlike girls us guys age like a fine wine, and as we get older there’s just more tasters in the world for us. So if you bed one of these girls, it is acceptable to take them to breakfast but then you IMMEDIATELY take them home, couch time on a Sunday could bring the L bomb out by the time the sopranos are over. The next week its ok to drop and email, NOT A PHONE call. The next time you are allowed to call her is from Good Guys Saturday night, when you need to get some ass, and then repeat the Sunday routine. After the third week of doing this, cut bait and run, or else you’re going to feel really bad when she says she loves you. Lucky for Ron and I we don’t have souls and run this charade for months at a time.

Local Hangouts: Whitlows, Coffee Shops, Weddings, Your Office

30-40 – COUGARS!!!!! Yeah Baby! These are a fine breed; they have probably been married once hate men love sex and are collecting some sweet alimony. Or she never got married, is a power freak and makes bank. Either way after sex she’s paying for breakfast. These girls, no WOMEN, know what they want and stop at nothing to get it. They’ve been around the block and know all the tricks, and are just grateful to get some live meat steak. If you do go home it is important to remember that they picked you because you’re younger and they want the energy and vigor of a 25 year old, so be ready to pull at least 3 that night and 2 in the morning. So if you’re looking for a cougar don’t beat off that day, or you may run into problems. Other than that, enjoy the hunt!

Local Hangouts: Liberty Tavern, Harry’s Tap Room, Sequoia, Your Mom’s Book Group

40-Up: Honestly don’t go there, yeah her tubes are tied so you don’t have to wrap it up, but then again condoms are for cowards so this doesn’t apply to any member of BDNB. It also sucks because if she’s still looking for dick at 45 and isn’t married she is a total whore and it’s going to feel like throwing a hot dog down a hall way. Stay away, and if you do make the mistake never speak of it, we won’t high five you.

Local Hangouts: Hospitals, Bingo Nights, Funerals

Big Time

2007-06-11T14:21:00.000-04:00

Ace - Nothing unusual here. Solid big time. You may also use "All-star"
Boss - Sometimes confused with being cordial to someone. It’s not. "Buddy" is also acceptable
Chief - Bartenders love this one. Feel free to switch it up with "Champ", "Cowboy" or Comrade
Doctor - Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but it sounds funny
Ese - Se habla espanol?
Fella - A traditional form of big timing
Guy - See Fella
Hoss - Sorry, No Huckleberry. Rule #23: You can not big time more than 2 syllables
Iceman - Something you say to a guy who's pretty cool but you still hate him
John/Johnny - Works for anyone, regardless of whether or not their real name is Jonathon
Killer - A blatant form of big timing. Use this with people you see twice a year from college. Or "Kid"
Lady - Very effective for big timing a girl
Man - See Buddy. But don’t be afraid to interchange this with "Mister"
Nucka - Be careful who you say this around
Old man - Good for big timing an adult that you don’t know
Partner - Another traditional big time. You can replace this with "Pal"
Queen - How to big time a $3 bill
Rock star - A universal big time
Sport - Try to use this one when talking to members of opposing softball teams. For big timing tall people use "Stretch" and if anywhere near a body of water "Sailor"
Tiger - Fairly standard big time. Change it up a little with "T-bone"
Uncle - See Old Man
Vinny - Similar to Johnny.
Waldo - This is how you big time a dork. If he wears glasses, it’s a double big time. Pettey may use "Wippersnapper" and now Wes and Tom Sawyer can use "Huckleberry" but no one else
X - just X. It’s like you don’t know the name. It is a huge form of big timing.
You - It’s just that. Hey you. Big timing classic that is much underused.
Zippy! - Usually used in a loud forceful manner to db’s who are mouthing off and need to be put in place.

late additions: Soldier, Pops, Hombre, and Dawg
**thanks to the three people who compiled this list, you know who you are

Thank you Ralph Lauren

2007-06-08T13:14:00.001-04:00

Thanks Ralph, for all the wonderful shirts you've given us throughout the years.

Thanks Ralph, for that tiny emblem of a guy riding a horse hitting a ball with a mallet. I'm not sure how the fuck they play polo, but I know this, I wanna learn.

Thanks Ralph, for putting so many different colors and styles together that you can own 50 polo's and still not have enough.

Thanks Ralph, for creating a shirt that is hated by 80 percent of the population, but just happens to be the 80 percent that I'd never want to associate myself with anyway (side note: we don't make fun of your leather trench coats, 40 pounds of jewelry, and denim everything so shut the fuck up if we wanna pop our collar).

Thanks Ralph, for those nifty shorts that have the emblem all over the place. Even though I don't own a pair, when I see em, I respect the man wearing em.

Thanks Ralph, for every time I have one of your equine shirts on and a bangin ass sorority girl from Jersey, Northern Virginia, or Ohio says "Hey, I really like your shirt".

Thanks Ralph, for those nights when 15 of us guys head to the same bar, and many of us are donning the same exact shirt. Do you change? Fuck no you don't change. Why? Cause fuck them. It's 85 degrees outside, I think you can lose the sweater vest douche bag.

Thanks Ralph, for creating a shirt I can spill my gin and tonic on, and still look magnificent.

Thanks Ralph, for making a shirt that I can steal from my friends closet and then when he asks me if that's his shirt I can say "no, i've had this for years" and there's nothing he can say because he can't disprove it.

Thanks Ralph, without your shirt I would never have fucked that nurse in Adam's Morgan who said my new red and white striped polo was one of the best she's ever seen, and I told her I'd let her borrow it which forced her to invite me back to her place where not only did I bang her on the kitchen floor, but I did it while she had on the shirt. Damn I miss that shirt though...

Thanks Ralph, you could easily charge $120 a shirt and we'd still buy em. Fuck it, $150. And trust me, we can afford it, that's why we wear the shirts in the first place, to promote our wealth.

Thanks Ralph, for everything.

Top 5 Thursday: Greatest Movies

2007-06-07T14:14:00.000-04:00

Ok, boys and girls its time we start a Thursday tradition, called Top 5 Thursday. From now until we get arrested for slander I will be posting a topic and then listing my top 5. We have already explored top 5 greatest albums, so we now move to the obvious……Top 5 Favorite Movies (excluding porn). I hope everyone posts their top 5 and this is a good jump off point for drunken debates at Thursday Happy hours, because we all know until we’ve all had 10 beers and Scummy’s shirt is off, we don’t talk to girls. So enjoy!

Here is my top 5 in order, and I have also listed and Honorable Mention just because I love movies.

1.) Braveheart – Greatest movie ever made, you can’t watch that movie and not want to go kick some ass and bang some French princess. I think if I ever met somebody named Longshanks immediately after seeing that movie I’d cut his balls off just like he screwed old William Wallace over. Also, ever since we found out Mel Gibson was a drunken Anti Semite, it brings a new level to his rage in this movie.
Best Character: The Crazy Irish guy, obviously!

2.) American Beauty – I don’t know exactly what it is, but I love this movie. Every actor has an amazing performance, the music is great, writing phenomenal, dark humor on point and I love going outside on one of those cold autumn days when you can feel the electricity in the air and watch a bag just blow around for hours, while Im fucked up. There is a deeper meaning to this movie and I think I enjoy something that makes me think.
Best Character: Lester Bernum post discovering Weed. Lifting weights, smoking weed, and working at a drive thru, Could it get any cooler? (pay no attention to the statutory rape thing)

3.) The Godfather – Anybody that disagrees with this knows nothing about movies. This is in every critics, directors, and actors top 5, it’s truly that good. Good thing Burt Reynolds didn’t get that Michael Corleone role, because I think it would’ve bombed had that been the case. But who can fuck with Marlon Brando? Nobody except a tomato garden. If you haven’t seen this movie GFY, you don’t deserve to ever read this blog again.
Best Character: Lucca Brazzi, if you read the book you know what Im talking about, because the movie didn’t do him justice.

4.) Old School/Anchorman – I know Im cheating here, but I reserved one slot for a comedy and in the end I couldn’t make the call. I think it’s safe to say that Will Ferrell makes both of these movies. Frank and Ron really know how to steal the show, whether Frank has forgotten his birthday or Ron agrees to disagree, Im a fan. Both movies tail off at the end, but hey nobody is perfect, but these are our generations Animal House.
Best Character: Frank the Tank is a God, and like any man he knows that once it touches the lips it tastes too good to make it to home depot or bed bath and beyond. Cock….. Balls!

5.) Top Gun - Could’ve gone a lot of places with my fifth pick and it’s subject to change from time to time, because my top three will never budge. But I can remember watching this movie when I was 5 and built a fake airplane and fought alongside maverick and goose, I also remember doing the same thing when I was 21 in the frat house with Murphy but hey we’re idiots. Point is, Maverick is every mans hero and every woman’s desire. Gotta love that they kill off goose, he sucked, and Ice man is Val Kilmer at his best. What a great movie and even better U.S. Air force propaganda, GO REAGAN!
Best Character: Maverick, I loved banging my H.S. GF to “take my breath away”, still pop chub when I hear that, stay clear if you’re ever around me when that song comes on. “We’re gonna have a good night tonight Maverick”……
“Always”

Honorable Mention: Goodfellas, Departed, Caddyshack, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Belly, Gladiator, Scarface, and Interview with a Vampire (just because Im taking notes on how to be a vampire)

Please post your top 5 or make fun of mine!

Big and Rich

2007-06-07T13:55:00.000-04:00

Ok. After much humiliation and persecution from Big Ron Bermuda – I call him Big Ron Berms – I have decided to peek out from behind my little silver mox hollow for a minute. Actually, who am I kidding? I am writing this simply to move the BDNB Press Conference blog down a notch and out of sight. Without further ado…I ask you one simple question: What is the theme song of your being?

With the ACSL division C playoffs in our sights, I think there is no better way to hype than to trot on to the field to your very own song. ACSL = Arlington County Softball League. I love acronyms, plural half-words and abbrevs. See “Berms”. This is a response sensitive blog so please respond back with that magical tune that gets you stiff. If I see enough, I will burn a CD and ask Coach Scumbucket to play it while announcing our names through a bull horn come playoffs. And don’t try to steal ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy’ cuz it’s mine!

BDNB's First Press Conference

2007-06-05T13:56:00.000-04:00

Ok ok everybody.... please settle in. In recognition of the two week anniversary of our two day anniversary, we have decided to call together a little press conference. I have to say I am quite impressed with the turnout today, a few faces that we weren't quite expecting. I'd like to thank you all for coming out, especially Ms. O'Donnell, Mr. Shatner, and Mr Scott.

Well, there really isn't much else to say here as an introduction, you folks have gathered the gist of what we are all about here, cocktails and getting our tip wet, so I guess we'll open it up to questions. Who is first?

Yes, Ms. O'Donnell.

"How do you gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, justify the fact that you lie to women to get laid? Don't you find that a little bit pathetic?"

Thank you for putting the sausage down for a second Jabba. Now I can't speak for all of us here, even though I'm pretty sure I do. None of us have any problem with that at all. Any of the girls that we take home at night are already out with the mindset to get laid. All we do by lying to them, is give them the satisfaction that they are slobbering up the social knob if you will. Do you think they really want to be going home with an alcoholic blogger?

Ok, From the Obvious Douchebag that has never been laid.

"Where do you guys get off, making fun of everyone else. Have any of you ever actually accomplished anything?"

I'm sorry ODBTHNBL, could you speak up and repeat?

"Where do you --"

We heard you the first time, shut up, get out, ROWYCO is down the hall.

Yes, Mr. Shatner.

"Picture yourself, on a boat in a river, with tangerine trees, and marmalade skies"

Are you serious? Do you have a question sir or did you just come here to butcher Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?

"Suddenly, someone is there, at the turnstile, The girl, with Kaleidoscope eyes"

Please get him the hell out of here. How many times do we have to say, Shatner is not allowed at any BDNB functions.

Lets continue, Yes Mr. Scott?

"How do you feel about Gary Sheffield's comments. As a talented group of upper middle class white men, does his blatant racism offend you as he himself often complains of racism?"

Seriously Stu, who the fuck are you looking at? Does ESPN not pay you enough to fix the lazy eye there chief? Its getting ridiculous, get it fixed. In response to your question, no Mr. Sheffield does not bother us at all. We find it amazingly fair that someone like Imus gets fired for a stupid comment and berated by the likes of Rev. Jackson and Rev. Sharpton, but yet barely a peep is made when ol Sheff fires off at the mouth. We love and embrace Gary.

Next question.

Gary Sheffield Has a Problem with Aliens....

2007-06-04T12:56:00.000-04:00

Gary Sheffield has decided to come out and say that black people are limited on rosters in the MLB because Latin players can't speak English and are therefore easier to deal with (we're waiting for your response Mr. Barkley). The fact of the matter is that the Sheff has had these theories for quite some time now, and BDNB has records to prove it. The following is a conversation from when Sheff was on the Yankees last year that may provide some more insight to his uncontrollable desire to be a fucking racist....

Sheff: Doctor Torre, can I get a word?

Torre: Sure Gary, and I'm not a Doctor, we've gone over this before.

Sheff: Well I ain't gonna call you Sir, so Doctor it is. Don't be a fool Doc.

Torre: How can I help you today?

Sheff: Look, I've been feelin like dis league is bein taken over with Matsui's and Martinez's and I'm sick Doc. I can't take it. I know there's brotha's out there who can throw the cheese or hit the squash ya heard? We need to peep the minor's and get some of my people up in here.

Torre: We have a fairly diverse team here in New York Gary, there's players of all nationalities. I think you're being way outta line actually.

Sheff: You off your rocker Doc? We got me, and the steroid boy. And besides that everybody is outside the border ya heard? Jeter, A-Rod, Moooosina, these bitches from overseas. We need some black-ass on the squad or we ain't gettin no rings. Can we get Bernie back, he ain't doin shit. Or Reggie Jackson, I just saw him on Oprah and the brotha looked good.

A-Rod: Um, Sheff, I'm actually American, I'm from Florida.

Sheff: If by from Florida you mean you swam from Cuba when you's was four....You're about as black as Theo from the Cosby Show. Or Jamie Kennedy. Name me anotha brotha whose name ends in Z, ya heard?

A-Rod: And Dave is from Michigan, his parents are both from America as well. I know because we stay in his Kalamazoo bungalow whenever life is getting me down.

Jeter: Ooooh, let's play Hide and go Tickle!!!

Sheff: What the fuck is that?

Jeter: I'm 'it' first!!

Sheff: And how come all deez foreign bitches got translators, but none of dem is a hot Latin or Asian bitch. We need more poon in the dugout, I been sayin that for years. It's fuckin sexist is what. And no cheerleaders? I fuckin hate dis sport.

Torre: Sheff, you're a high profile athlete, go out and get your own ass. Bring Damon along with you so we can find out if he's gay or not.

Sheff: All's I'm sayin Doc is that you only have deez foreign gay-boy's on the team cause dey can be controlled, and us brotha's can sometimes act like wildcards so we get no lovin.

Torre: What about Bernie, he was on the team for years and never caused a problem. The fact is that the game of baseball is gaining increased interest in Latin and Asian countries and is dissapating here in America while other sports gain more speed. It has nothing to do with racism. It's simply a supply and demand issue. I think I'll give a call to Cash-man to see if we can buyout the rest of your contract and get you the hell out of this city once and for all.

Sheff: That's wrong Doc. I'm just tryin to step up and be the black leader I always been. And you just tryin to hold a brotha back. Fuck it, I'm leavin. I wanna go play for Ozzie Guillen anyway, now there's a black man I can relate to.

A-Rod: Um, Sheff, actually....You know what, nevermind, have fun in Detroit. Don't forget your .265 career average either.

Fake Jobs that Can Help you get Laid

2007-06-01T09:53:00.001-04:00

Over the past few years BDNB’rs have been innovators of making up elaborate stories of what our professions are in order to convince a girl to go home with us. We have received mixed results ranging from laughter, disgust, and moans of ecstasy. Below I have decided to list our personal favorites and highlighted pros (things you need to focus on) and cons (pitfalls that end your night with a drink in the face). Good Luck and happy hunting!

Pilot- What girl can resist giving air head at 50,000 feet?
Pros: Cool Uniform, travel the world, Dangerous, free plane tickets, descent money
Cons: You know nothing about flying besides where the safety exits are, so don’t say ANYTHING related to the actual art of flying besides, “I still get awe struck at 50,000 feet when Im on top of the world looking down,” she’ll take it as a metaphor for when you’re on top of her later that night.

Aerobics Instructor- I just assume that Shaun T gets a lot of ass, so this must work
Pros: You’re in great shape, you’re MOE-KNEE in bed because of superior dexterity, you don’t work long days, girls love working out, and you can use your Hip Hop Abs moves in the Club
Cons: You’re fat and look nothing like an aerobics instructor especially after your 15th Bud Heavy and you have Buffalo Wing sauce on both cheeks, you wear a leotard, and 99.9 % of all male aerobics instructors are gay and all women know this.

Navy Seal- You’re a killing machine and you know how to slay some pussy
Pros: Bad Ass, great with weapons, good swimmer, babies LOVE men in uniform, you’ve killed 59 people and have totally detached yourself from a single emotional feeling so she knows it’s a one night stand.
Cons: You don’t have a bad ass tattoo and after your 7th drink in 30 minutes your shirts off and there is drool flowing from the right corner of your mouth, she’ll realize that the only shots you’ve been firing were So Co Limes.

Tennis Player- Babies love athletes and considering your physical stature only tennis or golf is remotely believable
Pros: Sponsored by Lacoste, Know Roger Federer, Always Traveling, Make lots of money
Cons: There are none, this has a 100% success rate, just make sure your world rank is someplace over 100 just to make it believable

*Bonus : Tell her your buddy is a net boy and that he professionally grabs balls for a living, it’s worth a laugh that will guarantee a sloppy make out.

Mafia Soldier- Jackie Jr. (need I say more?)
Pros: Dangerous, easy access to drugs, carry a gun, you own many stylish Track Jackets, you’re a tough guy, people are afraid of you (especially her DB guy friend trying to cock block you)
Cons: She may turn you over to the FBI, you’re greasy, you have to start or end each sentence with “eh”, you picked up VD from some whore at the Bing, and you are 100% dying early (but you might be able to use the “Im going to die” angle in your advantage to get one last bang, be creative)

Vampire- Honestly if a girl believes you’re a vampire you can totally bang her in the two
Pros- you can fly, you’re from Transylvania, a coffin is a cozy bed for two, great outfits, extremely high libido, cool accent
Cons- can’t go out in the day time, can’t touch her if she had garlic for dinner, the blood fetish doesn’t go over well

*In the event she believes this she might technically be retarded and you might be charged with some form of rape so be weary, BUT on the flip side claiming to be a vampire will most likely cause a great laugh and then she will say “no REALLY what do you do?” And you of course are a Pilot.

Good Luck, Please post any other possible professions.

MAIL BAG!!!

2007-05-29T15:55:00.001-04:00

So, recently we've been receiving some interesting fan mail (hate) at the BDNBforlife corporate (non-profit) headquarters (2,500 square foot house w/ five roomates). Many of these letters are from creditors although some are from porn sites that we accidentally put our real address down when signing up because we were too drunk and horny to realize that might be a bad idea, and magazines looking for another year subscription before they send out more homeless black men to steal our money. But a few letters from adoring (belligerent) fans somehow sneak by on the most random of occasions. Here are a few of these questions with audited responses from the crew....

Hey Guys,

I'm a 17 year old kid from North Carolina and I've recently decided to skip college and go straight into the minors in an attempt to play professional baseball. My parents think i'm being irrational and I'm in serious bind. Any advice would be appreciated.

Paul (Wilmington, NC)

---Hey Paul, first off change your name to Paublo and maybe you have a shot at making it. The majors are being overrun with Japanese and Latin ball players, and although there is nothing wrong with this, it just means less opportunities for the white man (we have it rough) and the black man (too athletic for the sport). If I were you I'd hit the books, try and get into any decent school in your state (ECU does not count), buy a few polo shirts, make $45,000 till your 30, and develop a drinking problem so incredible that you completely ignore it even exists because, 'all your friends drink as much and they seem okay'.

Dear BDNBforlife,

I've recently met a girl and her pussy looks like it could be that of a 60 year old woman. She says it's because she's a professional bike rider and the spandex shorts she wears has torn off the majority of the labium and skin from the outer vaginal wall. She has nice tits though, what should I do?

Brent (Harrisonburg, PA)

---Brent, we're not sure what those things you mentioned are, but personally I would run like hell (although she may be able to catch you on her Huffy). There are so many sets of cans out there that in no way should a nice rack make up for the fact that her baby-maker looks like a canoe stuffed with damp towels.

Dear BDNB,

I was wondering what your top three favorite foods are and why? I have no opinion of my own on anything and because of my self-esteem issues I'm extremely anorexic and would like to begin eating again. Thanks!

Stacy (Millington, MA)

----Sta(rving)cy, my personal three favorite foods are listed below. Also, can I have your number.

1) Pasta - When you put noodles, meat, sauce, wine, and wine together it just makes everything in the world seem right. Plus, I get to talk in a fake Italian accent when I cook it.

2) Gravy - Not sure what food group this is in, or even exactly what it is, but I like to categorize it as "a soup that you pour on stuff". I've recently begun putting gravy on everything from cereal to my hair. What do you think holds it up slick...

3) Steak Sandwich - If two of em are good enough for Fletch, then it's good enough for me. And it just sounds manly saying it too, instead of the alternative, "Philly Cheese Steak". Hold the tomatoes too, I don't fucking eat fruit.

Let's keep the questions coming people....Till next month!

Top 10 Dewey Moments

2007-05-29T14:37:00.000-04:00

Well, the weekend of debauchery is done and it is safe to say that “We Are Dewey Beach”, I was impressed by everyone in attendance and also very happy with the performances that many of you gave. I have decided to list my top 10 moments of Dewey beach and I really hope that all of you can add some that I may have missed to this list.

10.) Picture of Wes pooping in a urinal at Jam Session
9.) Wadi claiming “condoms are for cowards”
8.) The Righteous Left telling a 10 year old girl with a vacuum to come up to the house and party
7.) Scummy peeing himself on the deck, and also rubbing his nared ass on multiple woman at North Beach
6.) Random girl on the beach showing off her boob
5.) Jim calling the girl he brought home a whore, which she was because she got FB’d at her wedding by the black guy from Burnt Sienna that sings the Montel Jordan song “this is how we do it” (she was a generous 3)
4.) Ron Bermuda baracading the door while he had a tennis match going
3.) Peter “thumb in the bumb” just checking her oil level
2.) Late night Hip Hop Abs with Shawn T, Josh’s demonstration and Silver Mox’s prank calls
1.) Fluff pouring a bottle of Champagne on his head Sunday at OUR bar next to Megan and OWNING the Starboard for that glorious afternoon

Twas the Night After Dewey

2007-05-29T13:56:00.001-04:00

Twas the night after Dewey
And all through A-town
No BDNB
Could hold their food down

Recounting all the spending
And the FB-ing that was done
All 4 days of partying
Had blurred into one

As I lay in my bed
For a solid 18 hours
I dreamt of Starboard Megan
And Fluff's magnum champagne shower

"So what do all you boys do for work?"
We are tennis stars, vampires & DC's biggest jerks
When down in the basement arose such a clatter
Fluff had brought home a lady, and Jim found one much fatter

..........somebody continue this....my brain is fried.......

Twas the Night Before Dewey

2007-05-23T22:19:00.000-04:00

Twas the Night Before Dewey
And throughout the town
Eleven BDNB ers
Dreamed of how they'd get down

Scummy had his bottle
Nestled with him in bed
With a plan of leaving work at 10 am
To go fill his meds

Silver Mox had out some paper
Trying to get it just right
Can't wait to hear about
His plans for a great late night

Ronny B couldn't wait
To throw out the new single game
Can't wait till the first baby
Tells him his Bermuda shirt's lame

Wes Daddy slept happily
Feeling his slimmer body was MOE - KNEE
All this time in the gym
Better pay off with some Pepperonies

Jim was two days behind
His team playing for state
Too bad that line
Won't help him get laid

Pete White lay passed out
Wine left in his cup
Can't wait to hear his mouth
When Bermuda tells him hes Mic'd Up

Kick wore his jacket
Lovin the leather
Can't wait for the first girl's face
Who he denies the pleasure

Fluff slept quite easily
after a round of masturbation
knowing that all looked forward
to some emotional conversations

Luke Flipped off the light
Rockin to Ol K Fed
Can't wait to see the poor bastard
Turn from Bright white to Lobster Red

Burnsy slept tight
Knowing being single in Dewey is money
But don't talk about anyone he hooks up with
'Cuz Dude its not funny'

Soon it will be Tuesday
And no one will be able to open their eyes
And all we can manage at work
is to blog about the best weekend of our lives

Pull my finger

2007-05-23T13:03:00.000-04:00

Quick lil tangent from the music posts with a workplace phenomenon that everyone can relate to: the person you don't mind farting around. I sit in a small room with four people, two dudes and an Indian chick who just works all day and says nothing. At first it was a bit confining, especially with people I don't know too well, but I've gotten to the point where I can talk about sports and how much work sucks with the guys. My relationship with the Indian chick remains very basic to say the least, and it's now at the point where whenever the guys leave I just start farting. Last week I was nice and waited until she left the room, too, then I unleashed some raw eggs only to have her come right back with another Indian chick and they sat down, immersed in the stench of excrement, and started talking work in Hindu although it may have been about my gaseous poo. And right now it's just me and her, so get ready Indian girl, here it comes in 3... 2... 1... and now back to music!

Dewey CD for Greatest Weekend Of Our Young Lives

2007-05-23T11:11:00.001-04:00

With the music theme going, I was chatting with Silver Mox on G-Chat (I.M. was soooo college) and we were discussing music for the weekend. Im honestly sick of my Ipod so I decided we should make the ultimate mix. Please place comments below with some of your requests to make the cd. Hopefully I can get 17 tracks on a solid cd

Also if anybody has a boom box we need one

As of right now the only songs I have down are:

"Straight to the Bank" 50
"Never Gonna Give You Up" Rick Astley

Please comment with your thoughts

If you only had 5 Albums for the Rest of your Life!!!!

2007-05-22T14:44:00.000-04:00

This is an interactive post, I am a little curious to see what everyone would pick. I would like to know if you were stranded on an island and all you had was a CD player that never ran out of batteries and you found 5 CD’s floating from a plane wreck; which 5 CD’s would you most want to have?

Compilation and Greatest Hit Albums do not count, also if I see any reference to a boy band, you will be banished from ever using this site again, and YES Wes that does mean Maroon 5.

1.) Dave Matthews Band- Crash (Best Album of our Generation, Yes Under the Table is a close 2nd)
2.) Pink Floyd- Dark Side of the Moon (If I can't grow some trees I may regret this one)
3.) Notorious B.I.G.- Life After Death (double CD is clutch and edges it past Ready to Die)
4.) Outkast- Atliens (Aquemini was close, but this isn’t horse shoes or hand grenades)
5.) Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Stadium Arcadium (once again the double CD is the key here, and I love listening to “Wet Sand” while peeing myself in sand)

Ok, so I know I forgot some key albums, I like too much music to ever think I could limit it to just 5, but there it is and Im standing by it. Can’t wait to see Wes’s list:

1.) Green Day
2.) Maroon Five
3.) Green Day
4.) Lil Wayne
5.) Straight to the Bank
*disclaimer, Wes thinks any album made during the 90’s was by Green Day…….BURN!

Happy Anniversary!!!

2007-05-21T15:47:00.000-04:00

Today marks the Two-Day anniversary for the blog BDNB, also known as BDNBlog. What an historical occasion this is, and to celebrate, we're going to look back at some of the great moments of the BDNBlog....Hold on to your seats!

The original blog from Oldirtyfluff concerning the facets of the male tanning world really jump-started what would inevitably become one of the greatest blogs of all-time. And who could forget T-Mac's rain blog and Therighteousleft's best state blog. These were instant classics!

And then there were the down times. For instance, the first blog entry that was obviously put together too quickly and almost warranted a deletion from the administrator, Oldirtyfluff's blog about wearing a suit. But that period of the blog quickly dissapated as Scummy threw out two amazing blogs that were eliquently commented on by the entire gang of Big-Timers. Who knew six 20-something upper-middle class white males would be so poised and sure of themselves. I know I didn't...

Let's all hope that these boys can keep up the frantic pace they've been on for the past two days (work days that is, Saturday and Sunday do not count as days but rather as nuggets from heaven) and that we can expect to see many more abrorious and capatriaric snippits of knowledge in the near to late future....

Food at Strip Clubs?

2007-05-21T15:10:00.001-04:00

Food at a boobie bar is some sort of paradox that is an enigma to me. When I arrive at a strip club the only food Im looking for is a Boob Salad with Hair Pie for desert. But every time I go to a strip club (which isn’t as frequently as I like because I always have sandals on) I am amazed by either a.) a food item b.) the old man eating the food or c.) the totally unsanitary situation at hand. I watched a dishwasher/cook walk out of the bathroom and I almost booted on the spot. I mean a strip club bathroom is the stickiest room in the world and the man preparing my food just used those facilities? Strip clubs are odd places to begin with but the entire issue of food just shoots me through the roof, I mean seeing naked girls hump a pole is sexually appetizing, but it doesn’t make me yell at my 45 year old past her prime waitress (whore) and say “Hey babe, I’ll have the Spaghetti and meat balls!”

So with this in mind I now give you my top five favorite experiences with food in strip clubs, each of the following will some how be related to the food, person eating the food, or unsanitary issue.

5.) Camelot (Washington, D.C.) – Camelot is a true gentleman’s club with high talent girls, but because of this talent they have an unusual amount of Old Man Regulars (OMR’s) My last three times in there and the times were (9:30 pm, 4:00pm and 1:30 am) I saw the same old man eating what appeared to be a club sandwich and soup. I was utterly repulsed when I realized he was slurping some clam chowdah which clearly had some special sauce to it. So next time you’re in Camelot look to the far back right and my special OMR will be eating some disgusting Boobie Bar Bites.

4.) Velvet (Richmond, VA) - Velvet is a classy strip club by the lofts in Richmond. You may also know it as that hell hole that has a R.I.P painting of Princess Dianna on the side of the building. But I know it as “Catfish Sammiches.” My good friend the Silver Mox along with my other good friend Rudy used to hit up Velvet on Saturday afternoons just to eat an open catfish sammich. For a while I thought this was some joke and some way to tell me they were spending there time munching on some muff with the cat and fish reference. But oh know, this place sells a disgusting catfish sammich and the Mox can prove it.

3.) CCR (Crystal City, VA) – CCR is not a true gentleman’s club that sucks because the girls wear pasties. But what I found the most impressive was this is the only strip club that has a menu outside advertising their dinner specials. Most normal strip clubs have a list of slutty stage names, but not CCR, they pride themselves on a good meal along with a raging hard on. My three favorite dishes that I saw on the menu were, Chicken Parmigian, Sheppard’s Pie, and Meat Loaf with Mashed Potatoes. Nothing says sex like Meat Loaf!

2.) Southern Exposure (Does it Matter?, WV) – First and foremost this was the strip club that any man from Va Tech has intimate knowledge of. Let me tell you how fun Amateur night is. I’ve ranked this story above the other three simply because this place is so near and dear to my heart. We were enjoying ourselves immensely when I realized there was a bowl of peanuts on the table with us. Now I thought to myself a.) how long have they been here? b.) how many sick perverts have touched them? So I turn to my good buddy and dare him to eat one, this guy being the idiot he is stuck his hand in the bowl and tried to pick up one, but when he picked up one a ball of about 15 came out and were stuck together. I have a good idea what the glue was holding them together, word to the wise avoid communal food at boobie bars.

1.) Good Guys (Washington, DC) – After striking out at Town Hall or the Deck there is no better place to go than Good Guys. This is the type of place to come if you like tattoos and piercings, but also the type of place where you can get away with some heckling and light banter. Face it, these girls know they’re busted. Well me and Mox ( I guess mox sounds like a total perve considering he made two of these stories) went out back to a catwalk to have a smoke since you can’t smoke in DC anymore. While we were enjoying a Great Smoke (GS) we both looked down and saw a food cart where they obviously cart food in from a delivery. To our horror a 3 foot rat jumped off the cart and scurried away. As we gazed closer there were three 3ft rats scurrying all over the place. We quickly threw our smokes and ran inside (as Im scared of large rodents) and checked the food menu to get a good laugh. We quickly saw the word hamburger that will now always be known as a “Rat Burger” and you can ask for it to come with or without the tail.

Dear Diary: Love AJ from the Crazy House

2007-05-21T09:09:00.000-04:00

What is the purpose of life? Why are people so mean to each other, don’t they get that this is all a big nothing? It’s so depressing, but most of all Im bored out of my mind. It sucks in here. I jerked off 23 times yesterday, unfortunately that only took 23 minutes. Blanca always seemed annoyed with how quickly I would be done then I’d demand her son’s teddy bear, roll over and begin sucking my thumb. But screw her and her Puerto Rican posse, Im over her and moving on up. I’ve got some gangster friends now and we form like Voltron and shit. We burned this tool’s foot with sulfuric acid it was soo sweet. If only my dad had seen me then, he would’ve been proud. We aren’t allowed to do much in here, I play with legos a lot which is pretty sweet, I also have watched Lion King a lot and have made some parallels between my relationship with my dad and Mustafa and Simbas. Don’t really see how my dad is going to get trampled by a bunch of Impalas and shit, but I know if he did I could step up and rule his crew. It would be soo sweet going to the bing and setting up a train set with Bobby and playing with them all day. I’d have mad respect and total street cred because of how tough I am now. Just yesterday I banged this total crazy girl in the closet, she kept telling me to pull her hair out, and for that one minute of chaos I turned her head into a replica of uncle Jr.’s.

But honestly I would like to come home soon, I mean it’s cool in here for image and all but I really miss my mommy. She is the best person for me; she still cuts the crust off my sandwiches. She also picks out my clothes for me and takes me places. We are pretty cool I refer to her as my “roommate” and not my mommy when Im around my Voltron crew. And honestly I’ve never told anybody but I would totally bang my sister if I had the chance. Didn’t you guys see her dancing for Finn at the beginning of Season Six part A ( I was secretly taping that, it was soo sweet).

Well it’s about time to head to my therapy session and I traded the bulimic girl a slice of pizza for some weed for me so I can self medicate, and let me tell you how funny it is to watch a bulimic girl it pizza. It’s down and up quicker than I get my nut, which is pretty impressive.

Celebrity DBs

2007-05-19T12:46:00.000-04:00

I want to open the subject to conversation. You know the feeling, sitting at the corner of the local bar, you're making fun of other DBs and hollering at babies. Suddenly, the air gets sucked out of the room as Johnny, who only got into the frat because his slightly cooler brother squeaked in two years before, walks into the room and makes tracks directly towards you. Its uncomfortable, ruins the night, and drives you to drink more because you know this piece of shit will want to talk to you about "old times" the entire f'n night because no one else in the bar will give him the time of day.

But you know that this has to go on in Hollywood as well. Clooney and Pitt are kickin it at the Playboy mansion, who walks in and gives them this same feeling? Does Jason Biggs even have the balls to approach them? And who the fuck let Jason Biggs get into the grotto? So, who are the top Hollywood DBs?

(In no particular order...)

- Jerry Ferrara - Seriously, this kid is actually Turtle. He just somehow fell into a pile of luck and now has the ability to get laid by girls 100 times out of his league. Good For You.

Jan Levinson's Hangers

2007-05-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's just me, but I really have a thing for that Melora Hardin
She is the walking definition of a cougar (hot, 40, fakes, likes to drink). Actually I might even call her a puma or a panther because I tend to think they are a bit more graceful. I haven't felt this way about a TV character since Kelly Kapowski guided me through puberty. If anyone has pictures from last night's episode please post. And if you have any nudey ScarJoh pics please send them directly to me.

I'm a Big Winner...

2007-05-18T13:27:00.000-04:00

So some idiot decided to try and rip off the government (and the schools, don't forget the schools) by forging a lottery ticket to give him winnings of $500,000. What a pussy. First off, if you're gonna rig it, go all the way. What the hell is half a mill gonna buy you this day in age? A butt-scratcher that's what...

So I thought about what I would do if I won $500,000 in the lotto. (Also, I think the odds are better for me to win that money in the lotto then actually making it with hard work and dedication.) I would love your thoughts as well...

1 - Give it to charity. That's a joke, charities are for suckers. I would buy a charity and take all the money that's donated to the charity and put it towards more lottery tickets in an effort to win more free money.

2 - Different hooker a day for 2,500 days straight. And all six seasons of the show T.J. Hooker on DVD.

3 - Use the money as my entrance fee into any posh D.C. country club (that one is actually real).

4 - Buy a boat for $450,000, drive it drunk on the Potomac, keep extra 50 G's in a briefcase on the boat to bribe cops who want to put me in jail, get another G&T...

Top Five States

2007-05-18T13:10:00.000-04:00

1. Virginia - Home of the first place BDND softball team
2. Wisconsin - Beer and cheese aplenty
3. Florida - Sun and babies
4. California - Sun and babies
5. Nevada - Vegas

Honorable Mentions: Alaska, Alabama, Arkansas, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Idaho, Kansas, Montana, Missouri, Michigan, Minnesota, New Mexico, Washington, Oklahoma, Oregon, North Dakota, South Dakota, West Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah, Vermont, New York, Maine, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, Ohio, Hawaii, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Texas, Louisiana, Nebraska, Wyoming

Rain = Hurting

2007-05-18T12:50:00.001-04:00

Rain is my least favorite form of precipitation. Traffic is bad enough and rain only makes it worse. One drop of rain and my commute doubles.

Here is a list of things I love that rain ruins:

Boating
Softball
Nats games
Ballroom

On the subject of male tanning

2007-05-18T12:11:00.000-04:00

So the topic of Males going to tanning salons came up last night, and I thought BDNB should address the only acceptable reasons for a guy to fake bake:

1: Said person is gay, honestly, if what you do for fun is take meat stick up the ass, you might as well get cancer and end it as soon as possible.

2: You are already terminally ill. After seeing Moltasanti all pale in the casket, I know I want to look good when I die, so if you develop something that will take you within a year, I feel you can tan. Plus, your friends can take bets on what will kill you first, the brain tumor, or the skin cancer.

3. You are going to the Caribbean in the middle of Winter and dont want to burn there. I did it in high school, so I have to give myself an out.

4. You are really fucking ugly. Might as well be tan and ugly, and that way people make fun of you for being really tan, not for being really ugly.

5. You got a free tanning pass at Mister Days while blacking out on rbv's, and have a discolored patch on your chest that you want to blend in before you go to Dewey Beach for Memorial Day. It's free so why the fuck not. Go fuck yourself.

Feel free to add more.

food for though

2007-05-18T10:52:00.000-04:00

What is more powerful than God? More evil than the devil? Rich people need it. Poor people have it. And if you eat it, you will die?

BDNB

2007-05-18T08:56:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the first posting of the BDNB Blog. Guarenteed to bring sure-fire entertainment and sensational journalistic palpitude. Go fuck yourself.